musicgirl315
we sit in class one desk closer than before
aware of his breathing and mine
so much i sometimes stop just so we're off sync
i cant look at him but i feel it
the tension between us that is sometimes punctuated by
a shared laugh at something the teacher said a few seconds later than
everyone else.
and this is stupid it's like
not even a big deal right?
his hand was warm on my back when he gave me that compliment and
i can feel it now even as we're another desk apart but
i dont even think he's that cute
so why would i even care.
i dont even want this to go anywhere because maybe if i let it then i'm just feeding into the same shit everyone else is about not being complete without
someone else. and maybe i just feel lonely.
tired of being the third. and fifth. and seventh wheel and maybe ninth soon.
tired of school and this high school feeling college and my own room and yoga and food and tea and theology and clothes and the weather and wanting to be my "best self" and it's like
give me something to fight for.
im praying so hard sometimes and wanting to be over this feeling but
nothing ever comes. i love traveling but im thinking that there's nowhere else i want to be and here's not where i want to be either because i just feel like i need some truth now.
it's hard to be alone when everyone pairs off and the sparks snap
across the room between everyone
but me. and i feel guilty because i know im young and this is part of a bigger plan and it's not my timing and maybe i want to go overseas so do i even want a relationship but this shit is sometimes too tough to deal with.
so he's here and im here and i dont even want something to happen with him but maybe with someone else. i need courage and i need something to fight for.
presented.
every day to the world
as if we're meat
be sexy
but not too sexy
be confident but
not bitchy
what are we doing
why doesn't this happen
i mean it's not like it has to be
broadcast everywhere
like Facebook
and twitter messages that appear from people you dont care about
but i think it's time for something to happen and
it just isn't.
make a move already please
both of us wanted to speak
wanted to make contact with
another life form who may or may not end up being just like we thought
someone who we could fall for maybe
he was the object of my desire
the person i thought might break the spell
of going so long without a boyfriend
it was such a possibility that both he
and i threw away
like a broken object
why do i just do this all the time.
when meeting some guy.
cook up some plan for us
jane austen had it right when she talked about a lady's imagination but
seriously this is annoying
at best
rise and shine the day is here and you've got to just get up and face it.
don't think about how much you don't want to go to your 8 am.
don't think about how you don't have that cute guy in your class anymore like you did last semester.
don't think about the fact that you feel like wearing sweats again.
just eat some food and drink some coffee.
underneath it all what are we really. i mean really. when we peel back the makeup layers of foundation and concealer and mascara and take off the labels that define us, we're more alike.
being a local is supposed to give you some credibility but i just feel like i want to be a newcomer somewhere no not somewhere a lot of places i want to see the floating lanterns and the ocean again and where i was born in cali
oh soon it'll happen i'm sure
when the nights get long and the homework gets longer and your brain just keeps wanting to stop it all and just breathe
and sometimes im just tired of waiting for soon
i mean we're a society of instant gratification so why cant i have it now
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