orangefish2
When she opens her eyes, first Thing in the morning, she feels the familiar fatigue rushing over her. Turning her limbs heavy and her mind foggy. Like every other day for three months now. There are better days, but they are always bad. It's been so long since she felt... well rested, energized and... herself.
If she got out of bed within an hour, it would be her biggest accomplishment for the next two weeks for sure. When she found the strength to shower, she deliberately avoided to look in the mirror. The woman who looked back,was a stranger. A shell without a soul.
A mind without a purpose.
One day, she's not sure how, she steps outside. Not thinking about her actions, just slowly walking down the stairs trance-like. She's sitting there at the bus stop on the bench, a minute walk from her house door. Everybody avoided her, no one sat down next to her, even spared her a glance. Her last shower had been a while ago and yet, she couldn't care less. She took those steps all by herself.
"You care about him, don't you?", he asked after following my gaze.
"I used to." I say and try to swallow the feeling of guilt that overcomes me everytime someone only just mentions his name. Truth is, I still do.
And now.. after all these years... he is right in front of my eyes.
"Well, the way he's acting means, he probably doesn't care about you either."
I know that. There's nothing to change that now. Not even the bittersweet truth that made me leave in the first place. I didn't have the Courage to tell him back then, I ain't gonna tell him now.
"Yeah, well he's history anyways. I don't care." I lied. Like I always did when someone asked about him.
Sometimes in my dreams, you are still here. Alive and well and breathing.
And rarely, when I am out and about... Someone resembling you crosses my path, and for a second I imagine it being you. That you faked your own death and are living a happy life now. Once the stranger turns around, reality crashes down on me. You are gone and I won't ever be able to see you smile again. To see you truly happy, one last time.
You made one rash, but final decision and erased yourself from existance.
"Are you out of your mind? You can't go public with this thesis!"
"I am not crazy and it isn't a thesis anymore! I proved it! And I will give my statement. I am a physicist, a man of science. If I don't go public with this, someone else will. You know that it's only a question of time. There will be someone else who finds out. You know that as sure as I will. "
"You want to end up like Oppenheimer then?"
"Don't be ridiculous. There simply is no-"
"-If you take credit for proving it, Oppenheimer can rest in peace because you'll take his place. An atomic bomb is nothing compared to what they'll do once they find out-"
"For christ's sake, stop interrupting me! My decision is definite. I will inform the public within the next two hours. There is nothing you can do to stop me, so will you please be so kind as to get out of my way?"
You used to be a big part of my life and I thought we'd get on a little longer. Reality hit and time had moved us apart faster then I imagined.
It's been three years and sometimes it feels as if we'd last seen each other only yesterday. But then I see Pictures of you all and realize, it's been much, much longer.
You are the ghosts of my past, but of the good kind. sometimes, when I walk past a place we used to hang out, I still see us there. Young and naive with such a cute, but sadly wrong perception of the world. At some point, adulthood had caught up with us.
And we started seeing each other less and less, until we slowly stopped. We parted on good terms, though we never really said goodbye. One day, we just weren't in contact anymore. but that's life, I guess.
You never know when it's going to be the last time.
This love was in the making for two years and finally, we've made it.
We made it this far and now I can't shake the feeling that I will never love the way like I used to, the first time around. It's by far over, thank god, but while it lasted it was... quite different.
I had the breath-taking, knees-shaking kind of experience. The one where your face flushes when you think about him almost every hour or when you wake up from that dream where you almost kissed and are too giddy to go back to sleep again. Our first and only kiss had been short-lived, but dear god it had almost killed me, because my organs had jumped around inside me.
The second time is very different. We do much more together. We've known each other for two years after we finally hit it off because we were both too shy for our own good.
And now when we kiss, there are no butterflies or dancing organs. There is your smell, your protective arm around me and your breath against my neck. It seems we move automatic, no matter what we do. In a way, I quite enjoy it. Our relationship seems effortless.
But this dull and distant voice keeps calling out to me.
Was that really it?
"Leave. Now". He shouted. "There is no way we both are coming back."
"I am not leaving you behind." Henry answered firmly. Did he really not know? After all these years fighting beside him?
"You are not staying. This was an order."
Henry laughed. "Acting like my superior is not gonna change my mind. If you are staying, so am I. Together. Like always, comrade. "
They looked at each other then, ignoring the blasting sound of the heavy artillery from their enemies. "Why?" he asked. "You could leave right now. You can make it. My leg is wounded, I got shot in the chest. I can't walk and you can't carry me without getting hit. You can make it on your own. Go home, Henry. Live a better life. Find a woman to marry, get a family. Don't throw your life away for me."
He shook his head. It's been years and he didn't know.
"You are my life ", he answered.
Everything after is just permanent silence. No more gunfire. No more war.
Finally, he understood what peace felt like when he ultimately voiced his feelings after all these years.
There are so many memories that come to my mind when I read this word.
The first one was when I learned skiing. Sunny and almost a little too warm, sunlight glittering in the snow. I was careless back then. A child who didn’t know any better.
The very uneventful day I learned windsurfing is also part of those memories. There was absolutely no wind, I was floating in stagnant water, waiting for a hint of a breeze that never came. It was still a very beautiful day in late august.
Or the time we went swimming. 5 Teenagers and a breathtaking view of the city skyline you could overlook from the pool. And what did we do? We didn’t even look twice at the glittering buildings of our city as we fooled around and threw water balloons at each other.
Of course there are not so pleasant memories too.
The moment where I told my parents I would quit my studies because I did not want to work in this kind of field is one of them. It was in the middle of July on their balcony and I still see the disappointed glimmer in my mother’s eyes. It will probably never wear off.
I remember sitting on the swing on the last day of elementary school. It was the first time I had to say goodbye to my classmates. I would never see most of them again. We all went to different places afterwards and we never had a class reunion.
The day I heard of your death was a warm, illusive day in March. After a cold winter, the temperature was finally rising. We didn’t even need to wear a coat. The weather was just like that two weeks later, when we all came to your funeral. No coats, no bright colors. Just grey and black everywhere.
I remember holding back the tears and breaking down almost right after closing my house door back home.
I recall them all. The good, the bad and the worst days of my life.
To survive the bad days, I keep the good memories in mind. To always cherish the good days, I will never forget the bad ones.
There are so many memories that come to my mind when I read this word.
The first one was when I learned skiing. Sunny and almost a Little too warm days, where the sunlight glittered in the snow. I recall the careless Feeling of my childhood days.
The day I learned windsurfing. There was absolutely no wind and we were floating in stagnant water, waiting for a small breeze that never came.
A time I can't quite place, but I was lying by the lake, watching the last sun rays dissapear behind the mountains.
There are darker, not so pleasant memories too.
The moment where I told my parents I would quit my studies because I did not want to work in this field. It was in the middle of August on their balcony and I still see the dissapointed glimmer in my mothers eyes. It will probably never wear off.
I remember sitting on the swing on the last day of elementary school. It was the first time I had to say goodbye to my classmates. I would never see most of them again. We all went to different places. And we never had a class reuinion, years afterwards.
The day I heard of your death was a warm, illusive day in march. After a cold winter, the temperature was finally rising. We didn't even Need to wear a coat. The weather was just like that two weeks later, when we all came to your funeral. No coats, but no spring colors. Just grey and black everywhere.
I remember holding back the tears. The moment I closed my house door, I broke down on the floor, crying.
Yes, I recall them all. The good, the bad and the worst days of my life.
I keep the good ones to survive the bad days, and I Keep the bad ones to cherish the good days.
Your aura seemed to draw me Close to you. We easily got along, and though there were some Moments that were far from simple, right now I'd say we are in a good place. I like you and you like me too. I want more, as do you. We're getting there.
Still..
Those dreams where I choose him over you - they're not stopping. I don't want to want him. There is no future for him and me.
You are the one who's right for me. Who will be there, no matter what. The person I could rely on without a doubt.
Why can't my heart get that? Why is it so hard to let go?
"It's love", the voice in my head tells me over and over again.
"Anything else is whishful thinking. "
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