richpee

richpee

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"Quiet on the set!" Francis called out. "Aaaand...action!" Jake trudged onto the cratered wasteland of the moon landing site wearing the giant banana suit, muttering "I am a serious actor. I have done Shakespeare in the West End. I had a successful Broadway career." "Listen," said Francis, "Since Godfather Part III, I can't afford to be proud either. Just read the lines like they're scripted. This toothpaste won't sell itself."

Hunter snapped his fingers. Elwyn stood to attention. "Take this arrow from my bow and run it over to that target!" Elwyn complied. "No; not there," Hunter continued, "stick it a touch off-center of the bull's eye. I don't want anyone to think I cheated."

Charles sat by the willow tree, taking in the bucolic scene. The pigs were square dancing with the crocodiles, who wore their best overalls. Even the ho's got down. It was a real hoedown. Then a meteor hit the earth, and everyone suddenly forgot how to stay alive.

Instead of writing about branch, I decided to draw a branch. I'm a branch drawing maniac. The results are on my tumblr. am I allowed to post the link? It took longer than a minute to draw. I hope I don't get shot. Don't worry; I'm a good oneword contributor. The link's friendly. http://richpee.tumblr.com/image/47846713152

crust

Ted set down the crust of his bread and overlooked his breakfast bounty. The orange juice fresh-squeezed. The cereal freshly milked, and the grapefruit half freshly fleshed. The only thing missing was the cherries. But it would be weeks before the transport ship would bring them from Earth, and his oxygen would run out by then.

Gerald pulled the lever on the generator and watched it crackle to life. The monster's electrodes sputtered and sparked. Eyelids fluttered as the dead flesh reanimated. "I'd like a milkshake" it said. "Vanilla is fine." 30 minutes later, Gerald returned from the Transylvania McDonald's with a vanilla milkshake. He presented it to his creation. The monster removed the lid, raised the cup, and threw his head back, since it wasn't well-attached. The headless torso shrugged and poured the glop of milkshake down its esophagus and down the back of its neck.

epic

"OMG, it was epic!" Ashley said to her friends. "You should have been there. Tommy Masterson was walking into the lunchroom and he slipped on a puddle of gravy, his head hit the sneeze guard, he broke his nose and there was blood everywhere!" Her pause was met with a chorus of "Ewww!" "That's disgusting!" and "That's gross!" from Tiffany, Shanna and Charlene, respectively as they ate their expensive imported Blutwurst sandwiches.

wagon

"Circle the wagons!" Billy Bob called the other boys to the center of the driveway, "there's girls approaching!" The other boys pulled their little red wagons to circle around as Becky Bob and Sarah Bob passed by the crabapple tree at the corner. "You ain't gonna get us with your girlie ways," Billy Bob shrieked, "We're protected!" "Whatever you say," Becky Bob laughed and spat tobacco juice at him. "But we're still gonna take your money when ice cream truck gets here."

The function of a spoon is to get 20 servings, or rather one large jar of Nutella from the jar to my mouth. The function of my mouth is to enjoy the hell out of said nutella. The function of my digestive tract is to break down carbohydrates and fats, absorb nutrients, and try desperately to prevent the explosive sugar shits that will result from such a diet.

odds

At odds with the Universe due to the Republican primaries, God thought He'd go on vacation to Tuscon. He found a nice little bed and breakfast at the foot of a mountain. On the first day, He had a nice continental breakfast (He loved the nice home made marmalade on rye toast) and spent the day skiing. On the second day, He visited an Indian reservation to learn of their culture. Fascinated, He stayed for a few days, but felt He was wearing out his welcome when He suggested the local shaman keep Kosher. On day five, He stopped by the Scientology headquarters downtown, and of course He spent day six laughing His heavenly ass off. And of course, on the seventh day, He rested with a jug of tequila and a fruit acid facial.

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writing since 2010 · 415 entries · 405 days shown up

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“"Without my cell phone, I wouldn't be able to call for help," said Wile E. as he plummeted earthward off the cliff. Thirty seconds later, the fire department had arrived, in the nick of time to sprea…”

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