Comments Posted By terradi
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The sound, unmistakable and all wet-squelchy feeling fills me with dismay. Usually I know better, usually I don’t head out for lunch, and certainly usually I know better than to get something with condiments on it where a splash or a careless spray is a possibility. Not on a work day.
I take a breath and look down, assessing the damage.
Mustard on white.
Not my best work, that’s for certain. Though maybe with a bit of cold water or a strategically-buttoned jacket no one will notice back at the office.
» Posted By terradi On 02.21.2019 @ 7:20 pm
The smile I wear is etched on my face. Fine and taut and delicate. I wear it and I hold my breath, hoping that it doesn’t shatter. Because if this smile comes down, if this facade that I have constructed that tells everyone I am fine comes down, I don’t know what happens next or how I proceed.
There isn’t room, not in your world for who I am without that mask on. And so I hold onto it and hope it stays intact for another day.
» Posted By terradi On 02.14.2019 @ 7:59 pm
It’s more of a sometimes thing than anything else. It’s not like I need it. No, really, I’m okay without it. Or at least I’m pretty sure that I’m okay. Not needed. Not addicted. Not necessary. Just fun. Yeah … just fun. I’m okay. I’mokayI’mokayI’mokay. Pleaseletmebeokay. I’m NOT okay. I’m not okay. I want to stop but I don’t know how to.
» Posted By terradi On 12.13.2018 @ 7:13 pm
Can’t. Breathe. The crush of people around me closes in. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. Too many bodies. Too much pressure. Too many casual breaths and glances. Too many people looking away and pretending that we’re not in touching distance. That we’re not casually touching.
I need out I need out I need out I need out.
Dear gods. Why do people take subways? Why do they do it every day?
» Posted By terradi On 04.13.2018 @ 7:21 pm
Belief, I tell myself, is the thing that matters most. Not what I came here with, not what everyone keeps telling me my future is destined to be — but belief in my ability to do this, to be this, and to become this thing I have decided I want to become.
I can do this, I tell myself.
This is within my grasp.
I take a deep breath and sit down, pencil in hand, ready for the final test.
» Posted By terradi On 12.19.2017 @ 12:26 pm
So many things to put in, so little space. Buckets feel like a metaphor for life sometimes. I am surrounded by endless possibilities, endless things that I could make happen, but I only have so much space and then I am out.
I think I need a bigger bucket, but they appear to be in short supply.
» Posted By terradi On 11.01.2017 @ 5:25 am
The bars are not real. I know that, though I feel them brush against my skin as I strive to move forward once more. The bars are only in my mind. He was kind enough to explain that to me as he departed, leaving me to my fate. And yet knowing they are not there is different than actually breaking through them. Feeling the slap of hard metal against my skin, the crushing of nerves until all is agony is enough to keep me back.
The bars are not real. But they still seem to be real enough to serve their purpose.
» Posted By terradi On 02.05.2017 @ 7:31 pm
I listen because that is the safest way. Not to get ahead as we once believed it might be. But simply to survive. Listening, following orders. Not questioning or thinking too much. All of these are things the Executives favor. All of these are things which help to increase our chances of survival.
Of course, nothing is complete or absolute. There is always the chance that by whim or cruelty they may take action, simply to remind us all that the fear is alive.
That is why today I choose another way; another path. That is why today I rebel.
» Posted By terradi On 01.27.2017 @ 7:55 pm
This is the way it has always been. The way it always will be.
These are the words used to brick people in; to chain them to things they don’t like. To justify the unjustifiable when logic cannot be used. These are the words used to ignore sense and rationality for the sake of emotion, primal and unreasoning.
These are the words that hem me in.
» Posted By terradi On 01.03.2017 @ 4:34 pm
A new year. A new chance. This time I’ll do better. This time I’ll keep those promises. This time I’ll do it — no more drinking, no more smoking. I’l be okay. I can do without them. I’ve done it before, granted never for very long before that urge sets in — no. I can do this. I have to do this. I worry that I’m running out of time and that this might be my last chance.
» Posted By terradi On 01.01.2017 @ 4:52 pm
The heightened passion, so evident in the halls between classes, it settles down here. Furtive glances, passed notes. Occasionally the daring held hands. But they dare little more under teacher scrutiny. For fear of mocking. For fear that their romance, as fragile as it is, might be subjected to peer judging and humiliation. For fear that maybe underneath it all he or she doesn’t love as them as much as they hope.
» Posted By terradi On 12.31.2016 @ 10:30 pm
Every nerve screaming with fire. Pain. urgency as my lungs are about to burst. My legs quaver and wobble but I musn’t stop. If I stop, if i look back, pause, or hesitate for only a moment, they’ll be upon me. And what happens after that puts more speed to my flight. Freedom is elusive, but as long as I am running, I may still have a chance. As long as I’m moving I might still get free.
Once I stop, everything will stop. And for me it will never start again.
» Posted By terradi On 12.29.2016 @ 7:46 pm
Flashing lights, cheers, and trophies. The resounding sense of victory and the cries of teammates as they celebrate the impossible. They’ve won. They’ve really done it.
I watch it all from afar. Knowing that if that one kick had gone the other way, it would have been me there, the center of attention, the crown star of a celebration. But not this time — not today. I watch with my teammates from the sidelines in a dazed sort of mind, still attempting to process that this time it wasn’t us.
» Posted By terradi On 12.24.2016 @ 6:35 pm
Lurching, the train straggles on, rocking its occupants gently back and forth as it continues to cross between city to city. The young child sitting next to her mother begins to nod then falls asleep to the lullaby of the train’s motion and sound.
» Posted By terradi On 12.23.2016 @ 3:41 pm
I am one.
Except maybe when sometimes I’m not. I mean, everyone has off days here and there right? And to have one bad day doesn’t mean that they’re all bad days. And what does I am one mean anyway? Who made up this whole meditation thing.
I am one.
Really now … is that something that was added when they changed it over to English? Is it a literal translation? Or a general attempt because I can’t imagine Sanscrit translates over to English that easily. I mean, there has to be an absolute ton of variation between the two languages. Are they even on the same language tree?
» Posted By terradi On 12.20.2016 @ 6:52 pm
“If stubbornness could kill ya, you’d be dead.”
The words floated up to Mari as she continued her ascent up the rock wall. The angle was steep, one of those outward curves that required you to defy gravity if you wanted to hold on. She’d already tried and failed on it four times, and was warming up for a fifth. She grinned, wedged her foot in a promising-looking crevice and grinned down at her climbing partner.
“Long as this rope holds, pretty sure I’m good,” she replied.
The far upper left. Weird angle. Have to stretch. Might work.
» Posted By terradi On 12.19.2016 @ 3:29 pm
The tiny dial looks far too dainty to navigate the world, I think to myself as I hold it aloft, watching it hover and flit gently back and forth as I twisted it towards North. There. In the distance, towards the tallest of the icy peaks on the path ahead.
With a sigh, I reshoulder my packs, and begin the long trudge down from the plateau and then onwards and upwards towards the great peak.
» Posted By terradi On 12.18.2016 @ 12:44 pm
I skim my fingers along the spine of the book, a listing of places and locations, destinations and travels all far too numerous to visit within my short lifetime. So many possibilities … so many limitations. To go everywhere, or to go only a few places and to know them well? The doors beckon within the pages of this fragile book as I try and decide.
» Posted By terradi On 12.16.2016 @ 7:16 pm
Ahh. Domestic house panther, that’s the life for me. Free food, all the water I can drink, and someone to scoop my litterbox regularly, feed me treats, and get that itchy spot juuuust behind the ear. All of these things I like. I even tolerate when they don’t quite get the itchy spot or when they get it just enough that it gets even more itchy. But what’s up with the tummy rubs. Eugh. That’s just not nice.
» Posted By terradi On 05.09.2016 @ 6:58 pm
Abundance sounds like such a good thing. Until you have too much of it. Found this out the hard way with the replicator on Thursday. Seemed innocent enough, thought I could walk away for just five minutes and leave it running without issue. Then five minutes became fifteen and fifteen became twenty because I found one more thing I just HAD to do (can’t leave the official lab mascot hungry). Anyhow … if you want a box of cookies … or maybe say two hundred or so I’ve totally got you covered.
» Posted By terradi On 04.28.2016 @ 7:12 pm
Chosen. It is one of those words that carries a lot of weight. It comes with the expectation of honor, of purity, or being exceptional; worthy. It marks one as elevated in the community — one who serves a greater purpose; a higher calling.
Until it doesn’t. Until one falls or fails or doesn’t quite measure up to the legends in everyone’s mind which chosen are supposed to be. Like I did.
» Posted By terradi On 04.09.2016 @ 5:59 pm
Science is simple to me. It is or it isn’t. It’s a theory with strong backing, or it’s a theory which is yet to be tested. You can decide what’s true or not true, what’s useful or statistically significant versus what is just caused by correlation or the placebo effect.You can throw away an old proven theory, but only if you have a new one which does a much better job of explaining the phenomenon which the old theory proved.
Science doesn’t worry much about right and wrong, good or bad. That’s in the hands of the humans that conduct it.
» Posted By terradi On 04.02.2016 @ 12:41 pm
Oh I know it’s not the sort of delivery that I’m meant to be writing about right now, but let me tell you, there are days where I fantasize about some sort of delivery from all of this. An instant win, instant gratification. Instant decision that I’ve worked hard enough and that life should be easy from this point on.
Which is what we all fantasize about, to varying degrees, I guess. The idea that our hard days might be over and it’s all easy from here.
» Posted By terradi On 03.19.2016 @ 2:32 pm
Silver flash, the morning light hitting the pan, making its scratched, battle-hardened surface look like a precious commodity rather than the tool that it was. Just for a moment, I pretended that I held treasure in my hands and not a tool. But there was work to be done, breakfast to be made. And for that a tool was a thousand times more useful than some pretty bauble.
» Posted By terradi On 03.15.2016 @ 7:55 pm
Reflecting always brings to mind for me a pool. Still, silent, and unsullied by debris or any other sort of clutter that might muck up one’s view. Reflecting is the activity of quiet minds or quiet moments in a day.
Reflecting is, in many ways a luxury. Especially for those of us in turbulent times, or in pools where everything is not so crystal clear. Might be that one day, after it’s all settled down we get our chance to look and to see and to decide if we did the things we should’ve. But seeing that in the moment it’s happening … well, that’s something else entirely.
» Posted By terradi On 03.09.2016 @ 6:39 pm
I am … everything around me, about me, and within me is falling apart. Ever since — no. Can’t talk about it. Can’t think about it. If I think about it it will catch me and things will be worse than they are now.
Must keep moving. Must keep thinking. Must keep doing things fast enough, even if they’re mindless so that it doesn’t catch up to me.
» Posted By terradi On 03.02.2016 @ 7:19 pm
“The scientific method is –”
Laughter rings out at something the kid in the last row said. I didn’t catch it, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to.
“The scientific method –”
A cell phone plays a phrase from one of the latest pop hits. Someone forgot to turn their phone to silent before class.
“The scientific –”
“Miss, I’m bored. Can we play on the computers now?”
I sigh. Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to show up to class.
» Posted By terradi On 02.24.2016 @ 6:26 pm
Trevi stared down at the swath of destruction, her mouth wide in horror. Where tall trees had stood there was nothing but kindling and matchsticks. The river had swollen into a thousand times its original breadth, burying everything under a muddy veil of silt. Even the stones themselves seemed to have been shifted and rolled about where they weren’t scorched or exploded into smaller bits.
Whatever had done this was bad. Very bad.
» Posted By terradi On 02.19.2016 @ 9:01 am
Together … together we might stand a chance. Together, if we were able to unite as a single front we could be unstoppable.
Problem is, legion is a word that applies best to fantasy and this here is reality. Even when everyone wants what’s best, no one agrees on what that ‘best’ might actually be. And so we fragment, and in pieces we lose all the strength that that whole might have.
The idea of an unstoppable unity is a lie.
» Posted By terradi On 02.18.2016 @ 11:18 am
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The clinkety clanking of all things in motion surrounds me. Everything moving! Everything going! DO! BE! BECOME!
The noise, the call to action the — all of it really is such a cacaphony of noise and action and sound and everything else that it freezes me in place.
As I beg for just a moment of silence so that I can THINK the mechanisms race on.
» Posted By terradi On 02.16.2016 @ 7:56 pm