Comments Posted By orangefish2

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fatigue

When she opens her eyes, first Thing in the morning, she feels the familiar fatigue rushing over her. Turning her limbs heavy and her mind foggy. Like every other day for three months now. There are better days, but they are always bad. It’s been so long since she felt… well rested, energized and… herself.
If she got out of bed within an hour, it would be her biggest accomplishment for the next two weeks for sure. When she found the strength to shower, she deliberately avoided to look in the mirror. The woman who looked back,was a stranger. A shell without a soul.
A mind without a purpose.
One day, she’s not sure how, she steps outside. Not thinking about her actions, just slowly walking down the stairs trance-like. She’s sitting there at the bus stop on the bench, a minute walk from her house door. Everybody avoided her, no one sat down next to her, even spared her a glance. Her last shower had been a while ago and yet, she couldn’t care less. She took those steps all by herself.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 05.05.2018 @ 3:20 am

care

“You care about him, don’t you?”, he asked after following my gaze.

“I used to.” I say and try to swallow the feeling of guilt that overcomes me everytime someone only just mentions his name. Truth is, I still do.

And now.. after all these years… he is right in front of my eyes.

“Well, the way he’s acting means, he probably doesn’t care about you either.”

I know that. There’s nothing to change that now. Not even the bittersweet truth that made me leave in the first place. I didn’t have the Courage to tell him back then, I ain’t gonna tell him now.

“Yeah, well he’s history anyways. I don’t care.” I lied. Like I always did when someone asked about him.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 04.27.2018 @ 9:47 am

reaching

Sometimes in my dreams, you are still here. Alive and well and breathing.
And rarely, when I am out and about… Someone resembling you crosses my path, and for a second I imagine it being you. That you faked your own death and are living a happy life now. Once the stranger turns around, reality crashes down on me. You are gone and I won’t ever be able to see you smile again. To see you truly happy, one last time.
You made one rash, but final decision and erased yourself from existance.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 02.17.2018 @ 12:58 am

physics

“Are you out of your mind? You can’t go public with this thesis!”

“I am not crazy and it isn’t a thesis anymore! I proved it! And I will give my statement. I am a physicist, a man of science. If I don’t go public with this, someone else will. You know that it’s only a question of time. There will be someone else who finds out. You know that as sure as I will. ”

“You want to end up like Oppenheimer then?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. There simply is no-”

“-If you take credit for proving it, Oppenheimer can rest in peace because you’ll take his place. An atomic bomb is nothing compared to what they’ll do once they find out-”

“For christ’s sake, stop interrupting me! My decision is definite. I will inform the public within the next two hours. There is nothing you can do to stop me, so will you please be so kind as to get out of my way?”

» Posted By orangefish2 On 02.07.2018 @ 10:50 am

ghosts

You used to be a big part of my life and I thought we’d get on a little longer. Reality hit and time had moved us apart faster then I imagined.
It’s been three years and sometimes it feels as if we’d last seen each other only yesterday. But then I see Pictures of you all and realize, it’s been much, much longer.
You are the ghosts of my past, but of the good kind. sometimes, when I walk past a place we used to hang out, I still see us there. Young and naive with such a cute, but sadly wrong perception of the world. At some point, adulthood had caught up with us.
And we started seeing each other less and less, until we slowly stopped. We parted on good terms, though we never really said goodbye. One day, we just weren’t in contact anymore. but that’s life, I guess.
You never know when it’s going to be the last time.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 02.03.2018 @ 8:57 am

automatic

This love was in the making for two years and finally, we’ve made it.
We made it this far and now I can’t shake the feeling that I will never love the way like I used to, the first time around. It’s by far over, thank god, but while it lasted it was… quite different.
I had the breath-taking, knees-shaking kind of experience. The one where your face flushes when you think about him almost every hour or when you wake up from that dream where you almost kissed and are too giddy to go back to sleep again. Our first and only kiss had been short-lived, but dear god it had almost killed me, because my organs had jumped around inside me.
The second time is very different. We do much more together. We’ve known each other for two years after we finally hit it off because we were both too shy for our own good.
And now when we kiss, there are no butterflies or dancing organs. There is your smell, your protective arm around me and your breath against my neck. It seems we move automatic, no matter what we do. In a way, I quite enjoy it. Our relationship seems effortless.
But this dull and distant voice keeps calling out to me.
Was that really it?

» Posted By orangefish2 On 01.29.2018 @ 5:04 am

order

“Leave. Now”. He shouted. “There is no way we both are coming back.”

“I am not leaving you behind.” Henry answered firmly. Did he really not know? After all these years fighting beside him?

“You are not staying. This was an order.”

Henry laughed. “Acting like my superior is not gonna change my mind. If you are staying, so am I. Together. Like always, comrade. ”

They looked at each other then, ignoring the blasting sound of the heavy artillery from their enemies. “Why?” he asked. “You could leave right now. You can make it. My leg is wounded, I got shot in the chest. I can’t walk and you can’t carry me without getting hit. You can make it on your own. Go home, Henry. Live a better life. Find a woman to marry, get a family. Don’t throw your life away for me.”

He shook his head. It’s been years and he didn’t know.

“You are my life “, he answered.

Everything after is just permanent silence. No more gunfire. No more war.
Finally, he understood what peace felt like when he ultimately voiced his feelings after all these years.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 01.17.2018 @ 8:21 am

sunlight

There are so many memories that come to my mind when I read this word.

The first one was when I learned skiing. Sunny and almost a little too warm, sunlight glittering in the snow. I was careless back then. A child who didn’t know any better.

The very uneventful day I learned windsurfing is also part of those memories. There was absolutely no wind, I was floating in stagnant water, waiting for a hint of a breeze that never came. It was still a very beautiful day in late august.

Or the time we went swimming. 5 Teenagers and a breathtaking view of the city skyline you could overlook from the pool. And what did we do? We didn’t even look twice at the glittering buildings of our city as we fooled around and threw water balloons at each other.

Of course there are not so pleasant memories too.

The moment where I told my parents I would quit my studies because I did not want to work in this kind of field is one of them. It was in the middle of July on their balcony and I still see the disappointed glimmer in my mother’s eyes. It will probably never wear off.

I remember sitting on the swing on the last day of elementary school. It was the first time I had to say goodbye to my classmates. I would never see most of them again. We all went to different places afterwards and we never had a class reunion.

The day I heard of your death was a warm, illusive day in March. After a cold winter, the temperature was finally rising. We didn’t even need to wear a coat. The weather was just like that two weeks later, when we all came to your funeral. No coats, no bright colors. Just grey and black everywhere.
I remember holding back the tears and breaking down almost right after closing my house door back home.

I recall them all. The good, the bad and the worst days of my life.

To survive the bad days, I keep the good memories in mind. To always cherish the good days, I will never forget the bad ones.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 01.07.2018 @ 1:17 pm

There are so many memories that come to my mind when I read this word.
The first one was when I learned skiing. Sunny and almost a Little too warm days, where the sunlight glittered in the snow. I recall the careless Feeling of my childhood days.

The day I learned windsurfing. There was absolutely no wind and we were floating in stagnant water, waiting for a small breeze that never came.

A time I can’t quite place, but I was lying by the lake, watching the last sun rays dissapear behind the mountains.

There are darker, not so pleasant memories too.
The moment where I told my parents I would quit my studies because I did not want to work in this field. It was in the middle of August on their balcony and I still see the dissapointed glimmer in my mothers eyes. It will probably never wear off.

I remember sitting on the swing on the last day of elementary school. It was the first time I had to say goodbye to my classmates. I would never see most of them again. We all went to different places. And we never had a class reuinion, years afterwards.

The day I heard of your death was a warm, illusive day in march. After a cold winter, the temperature was finally rising. We didn’t even Need to wear a coat. The weather was just like that two weeks later, when we all came to your funeral. No coats, but no spring colors. Just grey and black everywhere.
I remember holding back the tears. The moment I closed my house door, I broke down on the floor, crying.

Yes, I recall them all. The good, the bad and the worst days of my life.
I keep the good ones to survive the bad days, and I Keep the bad ones to cherish the good days.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 01.07.2018 @ 1:01 pm

aura

Your aura seemed to draw me Close to you. We easily got along, and though there were some Moments that were far from simple, right now I’d say we are in a good place. I like you and you like me too. I want more, as do you. We’re getting there.
Still..
Those dreams where I choose him over you – they’re not stopping. I don’t want to want him. There is no future for him and me.
You are the one who’s right for me. Who will be there, no matter what. The person I could rely on without a doubt.

Why can’t my heart get that? Why is it so hard to let go?

“It’s love”, the voice in my head tells me over and over again.
“Anything else is whishful thinking. “

» Posted By orangefish2 On 01.03.2018 @ 9:27 am

ringing

It was a phone call that ended it all.
Not because we broke up over a phone conversation. It was different.
My rington “Into Deep” from Sum41 that I used ever since high school, disturbed our daily life. I’ve been waiting for the call and here it was. I immediatly recognized the caller ID and picked up. You looked up confused at me when I left the room, but you stayed behind.
When I returned, you simply looked at me questioningly. I nodded.
You inhaled with a slo nod and turned around.
I got the job.
And I would be leaving you and our life within a month.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.23.2017 @ 10:45 am

offer

It’s hard to leave after taking up this offer. I found a myself here in these last two years. Myself and a family. It’s not goodbye forever, I’m sure.
But it will be the last time someone comes asking for my help. The last time I complain about the Buggy programs and the dry air. Or the cleaning woman when she’s starting to vacume clean at 7 o’clock once we all started working. Even though she’s been here for two hours already.
It will be the last time I get the call to leave early. The last I hide my stuff in the plant next to my desk, because in those two years I was still too lazy to organize myself the key to my locker.
It’s strange to think about it. I’m seeing things through rose-coloured glasses, i know. Because I complained about those things just two weeks ago. You always miss what you can’t have anymore, I guess.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.22.2017 @ 9:59 am

altitude

It was a remarkable expierence. As the plane sped up, she was pressed firmly into her seat and for a millisecond, her breathing stopped as the machine rolled up the wheels and she was completly seperated from land for more than just a few seconds at a time.
The altitude increased and soon the city was just a tiny visible spot under her, that slowly disappeared under the clouds. Just as her earthly worried seemed to become smaller every minute.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.19.2017 @ 10:01 am

louder

Bang. Bang. Bang.
He had promised her, he’d be home for Christmas. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world”, he’d written in his last letter.
It was two weeks from now, his leave was granted and the plane tickets were booked.
For two months he’s been looking forward to seeing her again after so long.
Taking the picture of her out of his pocket, he leaned his gun against the damaged wall beside him.
Bang. Bang.
“I don’t know if I am going to make it, my love. I’m so sorry”. His magazine was already empty and the gunshots outside just wouldn’t subside.
Footsteps were heard just outside the wall. They were coming closer.
Bang.
He didn’t look up when the door opened.
******************
In the end, he didn’t break his promise. He’d never promised he’d come back healthy, but he did return to her.
His chest ached and his head felt heavy, but when he opened his eyes again, she was there, leaning on his bed and holding his hand in hers.
“You came”, she whipsered and even though it hurt like hell to speak, he managed to creak out a faint
“Always.”

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.17.2017 @ 8:15 am

concerned

When you didn’t show up in School on Monday, nobody could reach you. You didn’t answer your phone and your parents didn’t either. I thought you threw in the towel because the finals had gotten the better of you and that you were out there enjoying the day, spraying “fuck School” on a wall.
On Tuesday we still hadn’t heard from you. On Wednesday our teachers didn’t ask us to try and call you anymore. We didn’t really think about the reason why.
On Thursday you still hadn’t turned up. We wrote another message on Facebook. “We are worried about you. It’s okay if you gave up on School, but disappearing like that is extreme. Please let us know you are alright. .” No answer came, as was to be expected.
Friday came around and within the first lesson, our teacher picked us up from our different Project Groups. We were almost running along the aisle, because she was walking so fast. We knew it had something to do with you. We just didn’t know how bad it would be.
Once we were all sitting down, she broke the news. Took a deep breath before speaking and told us, you had comitted suicide Monday morning and had died in the hospital Tuesday night. I will never forget my classmate’s loud scream right after.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.09.2017 @ 7:06 am

plead

“You are making a huge mistake”, she begged me. “You won’t ever be able to return from this.”

Turning around one last time, I found a thousand questions in her eyes that I was not ready to answer.
Maybe one day I could forgive myself for all of this. But not tonight.

“Perhaps I don’t want to.” I said and closed my eyes before the first tear dropped down her cheek.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.08.2017 @ 4:15 am

welcome

As I left the apartment, i looked down to my feet. One last time I looked at the brown door mat, we picked out together, two years ago. We never liked it, always wanted a funny one, that would make people laugh, once they entered. But we could never agree on one, and that’s why at some point, we bought this simple, ugly mat while shopping for groceries.
We had been in such a hurry that day, buying everything for the meal we planned with our friends that very evening.
Right now, my feet were still, not wanting to leave just yet. But I felt your gaze pierce through me from behind, so I started to walk away from our –
No. It would be your door from now on.
I was not welcome here anymore.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 12.03.2017 @ 7:47 am

daisies

“Take this with you, when you go. So that the last thing you will ever see, is something beautiful.” She had told him. Not even an if in that fucking sentence. Even she believed he would not return from this battle. Even she had made her peace with his death. How come she could do that so easily… when he could not? Yes, he had been a brave soldier for as long as he could remember, but he had always been on the winning side. Always had the better numbers. But today he would share the frontline with only a few familiar faces again. Faces everyone around him was sure he would see for the last time. They all would soon be nameless corpses on the ground anyways. And for what did he fight anyways? A king he had never met.
He was looking at the flower this very fateful morning when he decided to leave his armor behind and went for the wine and his usual clothes. I am not going to die today, he had told himself. His king can fight his own battles from now on. He made his way out the door and ran as fast as his feet could take him away from the battlefield. The flower stayed behind in his old house, for he decided that dying was something he was not really in the mood for. At least not today.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 08.17.2017 @ 7:37 am

mercy

He was standing right at the edge of the podium. Axe in Hand he waited for the next candiate to arrive. It was the lover of the princess, the reason of recent gossip. In just under 20 minutes, he would no longer be. Was it right that he had to kill him?
A man who had done nothing wrong but to love the wrong woman?
His thoughts were interrupted when said man entered the scene. A grim look on his face. Without a word he placed his head right where it was supposed to go…off.
And with one fast movement, he ended yet another life.
But he was no judge. He was just an executioner, trying to get by.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 05.29.2017 @ 6:28 am

shore

I remember like it was yesterday. My first time on a beach. It was with you. And it was anything but romantic. On the northest point of Denmark on a cloudy november day. It was cold and the sand in the dunes we had to walk through to get to the shore was wet. Once we reached it, there were three dozens of dead jellyfish. I didn’t get my romantic, happy memory with you that day. Just like I didn’t get a romantic and happy life with you.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 05.11.2017 @ 9:06 am

butterfly

It was a sunny afternoon in march. The last snow had fallen and was about to melt away for good. Daylight stayed longer every day. A butterfly was bathing in the sun on the balcony. The first sign of spring. This long, cold ass winter was over. Finally.
And even though a bird ate the beautiful insect an hour later, life still felt pretty good.
Even if the butterfly didn’t get so see another day, the bird wasn’t hungry anymore.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 04.10.2017 @ 7:27 am

resident

A resident looks outside the window, watching the children play outside. She remembers her childhood, the times she was the one, running around without a care in the world. She was a child back then, not a single worry on her mind. It was different now.. Everything was. She would never be this careless again. She would never feel at home. That time was over. What was to come, was unclear.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.27.2017 @ 10:25 am

towers

He ran up the narrow path, leading to the top of one of the towers. In the background, he heard the alarm bells ringing and people on the streets, screaming and running for shelter. “They’re coming for us!”he heard one of them shouting, which only spurred him on. Sprinting even faster than before, he jumped over the last stairs and sprinted to the observation deck to see for himself.
He saw them, closer than he thought, riding on their horses with their red flags high in the air, and their swords ready to attack. The streets were empty now, people hiding in their homes and cellars, in fear of a force that couldn’t care less about them. They didn’t need anything from the ordinary people, and yet they’d still kill them. All of them, inlcuding the young boy on the tower, who was frozen in fear as he watched them enter and leave one house after the next, not bothering about the blood that was dripping off their swords.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 05.25.2016 @ 7:25 am

noticed

“I wasn’t getting any better. It was not what I wanted to do with my life anymore.”

“You gave up.” he said, looking at me with a stern expression.

“Maybe I did.”

“You regret it?”

“No. It may sound like a lie, but I am happy. With my average life, average income and average friends. I’ve imagined the extraordinary, the impossible for so long, that this- this feels really good. Because it’s…”

“Easy.” he finished for me. “You promised. You promised you’d never stop trying.”

“But I did. And you know what, even if you don’t believe my excuses, I do. I am happy and that is enough. I can’t chase after the impossible. I will never be happy that way.I am not that naive anymore. Time passes, things change. Get over it. I am not the person you knew and we are not friends anymore. You have no right to critisie my life. You are no longer a part of it.”

“I noticed.”

» Posted By orangefish2 On 04.26.2016 @ 6:28 am

twist

You are going down the hill to your cousin’s house,having been called to help out with the new furniture. Stopping at the red light, you wait until the traffic light turns green, telling you it’s safe. Only that, that day, it wasn’t. Taking three quick steps forward, you don’t see the white car speeding up behind you at the intersection. You feel it, before you see it.
It hits your hip, knocks you off your feet. Your head hits the concrete, face foward. You feel dizzy for a moment, but other than that alright, so you get up, holding yourself upright on the hood of the car. Looking down on it, you notice red drops covering the innocent white color of the car.
You realize it’s your own blood, before your feet crumble and you fall down again.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 04.06.2016 @ 8:07 am

outsider

You started out as an outsider in school,though, as we found out later, you had some friends outside of it.You were a bit weird, kinda funny and quite alright. We never were and would become friends. We got along anyways, you sat next to me and we always had to do those partner works in class together.
I remember when you stopped sitting next to me, because you’ve been hanging out with people. You found friends after two years. Life seemed to be good for you. Or so we thought.
I will always remember the last time I saw you, M. It was two years ago, a Friday in March, a warm and sunny day. You were leaving school campus. We were in our last year and my best friend and I talked about our plans after graduation when you were walking by with your new group of friends. We waved, but deep in conversation, you didn’t notice and dissappeared around the corner. And for me, forever.
On Monday you didn’t show up at school. Tuesday, still no sign of you. Our teacher asked if any of us had heard from you. We didn’t. Wednesday, – a strange feeling was forming between us. We thought you had decided to drop out of school. Thursday, we had our most important test, you still weren’t there. When we wanted to talk to our teacher right before it,she quickly sprinted around the corner, ignoring us. It was weird.
Friday, she told us you were dead. Committed sucide on Monday. Fighted for you life till Tuesday. Died in the night to Wednesday.
This was two years ago. You still are not forgotten. And even though you don’t live on, you live on through all of us. You will never be forgotten, as long as we, as I – live.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.23.2016 @ 11:08 am

endless

You are not the person you used to be and neither am I. We haven’t seen each other in a long time and while time and space keeps us apart, you will always have a place in my heart. I don’t know you anymore and you have no idea who I’ve become. And month after month, I keep forgetting things about you. I can’t remember how your joyous chuckle sounded like or where the dimples on your face showed when you were laughing. The sound of your voice is slowly fading from my memory. There is one way to recall… I could watch our videos of our travels together. I could reach out to you, but after all these years I doubt you’d answer. I miss you.
The ” you” I knew. And I decided to keep missing this version, because I liked and loved it.
I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t like the person you’ve become. Or worse, if you wouldn’t like me. This endless pining is what I’ve decided to do. Because it’s easier, because it’s enough.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.22.2016 @ 8:26 am

angels

I never believed in angels. Creatures with white, wide wings, living in heaven (in that I actually haven’t believed in either). Heaven, for me, was just people trying to make themselfes feel better about their limited and finite time. One moment, and then we just disappear. Forever. Into the unkown. And because that was a pretty… uncomfortable thought, people created the idea of heaven – or reincarnation. Because that way, their life wasn’t finitely. I never needed to know where I would go after my death. I didn’t need to. Because I wouldn’t be there anymore…
But things changed when I got the news of Michael’s death. 19 Years old and dead. Bam. Gone. Just like that.
When I was facing his grave, his (it still feels weird to say it, even after two years) coffin – where the only thing of him left was – it was the first time in my life where I wished something like a heaven or reincarnation existed. Because it didn’t seem fair to me. His mind, his life force… it was gone. Forever. And since then, I make myself hope that there comes something after. Something that maintains his spirit, his soul. Because he had been incomparable. He made me a better person. And that can’t just be lost. It has to outlast somewhere.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.20.2016 @ 12:20 pm

pan

She poured the pancakes dough in the pan, while music was playing loudly in the background. She sang, not very good to be honest, the lyrics. She was crying, but it was alright. She was healing. It had been two days since she had spent more than a minute in the kitchen. She hadn’t trusted herself with the knifes after her breakdown. It was going to be okay.Not right now and certainly not tomorrow. But she swore to herself that she would fight.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.15.2016 @ 6:40 am

reflecting

When I cleared up the drawers of my desk the other day, I found it. Your plectrum. It made me think of the time I brought back the shot glasses I had bought for you in London. Maybe I should have told you that there was glass inside and that the packet was breakable when I gave them to you. And I know you didn’t intend to let it slide out of your hand on purpose when my hand touched yours. Reflecting back to that moment , seeing the splinters again on the parking lot, your surprised and regretful expression – I played it cool then. Apologized even, that you couldn’t have known. And you couldn’t have.
But what I didn’t tell you, was how it hurt.
And when I stuffed the plectrum into my knick-knack box – I wondered if thinking back to you would always hurt. If my heart would always shatter into a hundreds of pieces. Maybe I should have thrown that piece of remembrance away. But just like you kept the biggest piece of glass with the logo on it, I kept that little piece of you. Maybe the next time it wouldn’t hurt that much.

» Posted By orangefish2 On 03.09.2016 @ 2:35 am

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