Comments Posted By laughalot

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fiery

Our love is fiery. It consumes every fear, melts away every doubt. I’ve never been more sure of anything. When you pull me close, I have never been more safe.

» Posted By Laughalot On 12.02.2014 @ 7:08 am

July

July has been weird for me these past two years. July 2011 was vacation. I contemplated and became very close to attempting suicide. I was starving myself, throwing up and hurting myself. I kept it all inside. I was a skeleton dying on the inside and starting to die on the inside too. July 2012 was also vacation. This time anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, suicide, self harm and depression were out in the open. Many relapses had occurred. I was still not stable. But I was trying. That was something. But here I am. December 2012. Over a year since cutting began, almost two years since the eating disorders came along, the major of my life since self harm came along. And I’m starting to finally put my eyes in the right place. I’m starting to become the person that I’ve truly wanted to be all along. I’ve got some scars. On my arms, hips, legs and heart. I’ve got some memories. I’ve got a story. A never ending story that eventually will make me stronger and shape me.

» Posted By laughalot On 12.07.2012 @ 8:35 pm

mention

i never heard anyone mention that i was important, that i made a difference in their life. so why should i believe it? no one wants me here, let’s just be honest.

» Posted By laughalot On 11.19.2012 @ 9:57 am

solution

Is there a solution to this constant cycle of rejection that I am going through? I hope that I won’t always feel this way. I don’t think I could keep living if things never changed.

» Posted By laughalot On 10.23.2012 @ 5:31 pm

shown

I have been shown this option more times than there are stars in the sky or sand on the shores. That awful little voice has spoken to me, degraded me and lied to me more times than the sun has touched the earth. I am tired of being dragged down, back into your nasty pit of chaos and depression, anorexia. I am sick of your little games that pull me further and further away from happiness. You are one, sick, sick little thing and you don’t deserve any say in my life. You are worthless. Sincerely, one girl who’s escaping your evil clutches

» Posted By laughalot On 10.19.2012 @ 7:13 pm

raised

I was raised with an improper coping mechanism. One that taught me to destroy and come at war with myself, rather than expressing myself. And that’s why I’m ready to die about now.

» Posted By laughalot On 10.18.2012 @ 4:15 pm

hundred

Today I felt more than a hundred tears fall from my eyes. I felt the sting in my nose and the overwhelming sorrow in my heart. My sight began to blur as my eyes welled up with tears. The tears fell. One by one. Though so many tears have fallen, they are small in comparison to loneliness I feel inside.

» Posted By laughalot On 09.28.2012 @ 7:59 pm

straw

It was the straw that broke the camels back. In fact, it was the straw that broke me.

» Posted By laughalot On 06.14.2012 @ 8:59 am

retrieve

Can I retrieve all that I’ve lost? All the people, all the friends that broke in my struggle to stay afloat. Tears gather in my eyes. The image of hope gets blurry

» Posted By laughalot On 05.25.2012 @ 9:21 am

chapped

My heart is chapped; a bit sore and cracked through and through. Somedays I worry that it’s beyond repair. I hope that someone will come along and fix it with love. Because that’s one thing I am not familiar with.

» Posted By laughalot On 04.25.2012 @ 10:16 am

attendant

You make everyone else be your attendant. All you care about is you, you, and you. You make a big fuss about the tiniest things just to get attention. So high maintenance. Don’t think that i can’t see how FAKE you are.

» Posted By laughalot On 04.02.2012 @ 5:19 pm

drifting

I’m drifting farther and farther away from the shore. I’m too far to swim back and too far away to keep swimming. where do I go from here?

» Posted By laughalot On 03.27.2012 @ 10:28 am

trunk

Oneword has given me this word before. I remember. It was back in like, October or November. I wrote about my brother who forgot to come, and that as I was waiting, I laid myself out on the hot trunk of the car.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.22.2012 @ 3:02 pm

fixed

Me? Fixed? Just the opposite. I’m completely broken. Falling apart. Stuck. Hurt. Hopeless. But I’m just going to wait. I’m just going to wait on Him.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.21.2012 @ 1:09 pm

staple

I punch a staple in the pile of papers. I go to a filing cabinet and placed them in the correct file. I start to look through the other files in the room, and find and each of them have something about me written on them. They are not describing the good I have done, but instead the bad- my deepest, most darkest sins. For some reason, I have to give a file to a person. And another one, and another one; until they are gone. Days later, after the cabinets are empty, I look up and see that it was God who was taking these away. He replaced the cabinets, and in them, placed files of the great things I will do. He wants to make it impossible for me to go back and look through my huge list of sins. He wants my eyes on the future. I have to stop looking back.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.17.2012 @ 12:41 pm

pastel

My face is this pastel white. I look as if I’ve lost someone I love, or something absolutely terrible & sudden happen. but this has all happened over time. and I’m falling apart. I’m losing hope. no one even knows.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.16.2012 @ 3:11 pm

pattern

I’m stuck in this pattern… Vicious cycle. I starve. I binge. I starve. I binge. I gain weight and my insecurities deepen. I’m so stuck.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.15.2012 @ 1:22 pm

belief

I have a lot of belief that this will work. That I will control Ana, and she will not control me. But I can’t get the thought out of the back of my head, that it’s only a matter of time before she rips the reigns from my hands and lands me in the hospital. I won’t turn myself into a pile of bones… Or will I?

» Posted By laughalot On 03.13.2012 @ 9:39 am

recycle

In their eyes, you’re just one more hand-me-down. You’re just there for them to use & then let someone else recycle you. Is that all we really are? Or do we have some kind of purpose, meaning… Beauty deep inside. No one searches for that beauty anymore.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.12.2012 @ 9:32 am

brunch

No brunch today. in fact, no lunch today. Lots of lies including, “I’m not hungry” and “I’m not feeling well”. Shut up, you’re starving!

» Posted By laughalot On 03.09.2012 @ 11:07 am

demonstration

I don’t need a demonstration showing how I’ve messed up. I know, okay? I can see the bruises and burns on my body. I can see the cuts- all made from MY hands. You don’t need to tell me what I’ve become. I can figure that out.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.08.2012 @ 8:33 am

swing

up and down. up and down. the swing breaks- or in other words, I break. that shiny old blade came out again. I don’t know whether to feel regret or relief. all i know is that i feel like dying or at least running away. someone… save me..

» Posted By laughalot On 03.06.2012 @ 7:06 pm

weave

lol. a weave. i’ve secretly always wanted one. that and dreads. the both amuse me :p

» Posted By laughalot On 03.02.2012 @ 7:23 pm

lantern

Us suicidal people don’t want to die. No, not in the least bit. It’s a total misconception that that is our wish. We just want relief. happiness. change. And after we’ve tried so many things in the search, we believe that death is as close we’ll get to relief, happiness and change. All we need is someone to shine a lantern on the things that will bring us hope, and we will no longer fantasize about how and when we’ll end it all.

» Posted By laughalot On 03.01.2012 @ 6:29 pm

medical

You looked into my eyes and asked me if I was okay. You remarked that I was not my normal, happy self. I blamed it on something medical; that I wasn’t feeling good. This was partly true, I was coming down with a cold. But inside… I was dealing with intense emotions of regret and depression. Why can’t I just be honest with people?

» Posted By laughalot On 02.23.2012 @ 7:52 am

balloon

life is like a balloon. sometimes I feel like I’m flying so high and floating on air… but then after time passes, I begin to deflate… to fall to the ground and face reality. I just want to feel full.

» Posted By laughalot On 02.19.2012 @ 2:02 pm

ants

We sat there underneath the night sky. I stared at the ground and watched the ants move. it was summer. You were wearing a blue shirt. I was wearing one of my favorite v-necks with a purple tank top- both extremely loose on me. that was because I had just told you I was anorexic. I will never, ever forget that night. I’m so sorry you had to me like that.

» Posted By laughalot On 02.16.2012 @ 2:07 pm

clue

You hadn’t a clue how much you hurt me. We’re all best friends. we do everything together. but then I see your Facebook updates and pictures from sleepovers, shopping trips and movie showings you forgot to include me in. You might as well stab me in the back. when we’re all together, not a word is mentioned about these hangouts. You guys act so nonchalant about something that is tearing me apart. what friends you are.

» Posted By laughalot On 02.15.2012 @ 10:11 am

maze

it’s funny how life sometimes resembles a maze. you enter in so confident, but find that a couple of turns later, you’ve reached a dead end. all you can do is aimlessly wander through pathways hoping to find the end.

» Posted By laughalot On 02.12.2012 @ 2:12 pm

festival

harvest festival 2011. one of the best days of fall. best memory that night: the dreaded ferris wheel :) good times. man, i wish it was fall and football season still!

» Posted By laughalot On 02.11.2012 @ 4:48 pm

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