Comments Posted By betaveros
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Ben knocked on the door of his neighbor. He was greeted by a scruffy old lady.
“Excuse me, miss, do you have any flour I could borrow?”
The lady looked at him, then grabbed a pack of flour from under her rocker and dumped it into his lap. “Make sure to return it! I’m a real witch.”
She slammed the door. Ben sat looking at the flour, which gathered into a humanoid blob and sneezed in his face.
» Posted By betaveros On 08.11.2015 @ 8:38 am
“So here’s the trick. Instead of using your credit card, you put the victim’s credit card in, and when the system tries to match them together, it lags and you can get the product before it gets resolved and hightail it out of there!” Stephen motioned excitedly to his partner-in-crime Freddy.
“Yeah, but don’t you have to start by getting a stolen credit card in that case?”
“But you can steal it with itself?”
» Posted By betaveros On 08.10.2015 @ 8:21 am
John walked along the aisle, trying to carry his professor’s test tubes, when he tripped over the sofa.
“What— how do you trip over the sofa, John!?” roared his professor when she heard his stuttering explanation for why there was little bits of test tube glass all over the bio lab. “It’s on the *opposite* wall from the path from the storage to here!”
“It… it m-moved!” stuttered John. “Please believe me!”
Behind them, the sofa got up on two legs and saluted. “I can also do backflips on request!”
» Posted By betaveros On 08.09.2015 @ 8:50 am
“This tastes pretty boring, Mom. You probably need some more sugar or something before you want to go into the smoothie business.”
“Oh, sweetheart, that’s not a smoothie you just drank. That’s a magical potion!”
“What is this I don’t…”
Jared looked at the cup of white goop he had just swallowed, then belched and leaned backward and let out a bestial howl.
“Still needs more sugar,” he said after spouting two rows of teeth and a meter-long muzzle.
» Posted By betaveros On 08.07.2015 @ 7:42 am
“Run for the exit! I’ll distract the killer with my singing!”
Cheryl took the signal and ran for the exit. Brittany waited until she left before taking out her magical microphone and drawing the force field.
“Say what you want to say —”
The killer took off his wig. It was actually a magical girl in disguise too!
» Posted By betaveros On 08.06.2015 @ 8:19 am
“And this is our new beautiful city plan! What do you think, Monsieur Mayor?”
“I think it’s excellent. We’ll be able to get a lot of funding for this development plan! Except what’s with the duck statue in the middle of the park?”
“Oh, you know how upper designers like to meddle with our plans… that gives them something to remove and preserves our plan’s integrity.”
“No, I mean, why isn’t it bigger? It’s pretty cute. I’d marry it.”
» Posted By betaveros On 07.25.2015 @ 9:00 am
“Hey, get off the fence, you little nuisances! Get!”
The old guy came out with his shotgun and waved it around. The kids ran screaming off the fence, except for one.
The guy came closer and looked more closely.
“Remember me, Papa?” he said. “You tried to kill me by drowning me in the well two years ago… And now I’ve come back to take my revenge…”
The guy squinted, then shook his head. “No, you’re the kid I shot with this shotgun right here. See? I remember this bump here when it hit your forehead…”
He looked into the barrel. Quick as a flash, the boy jumped up and pulled the trigger. The shotgun turned into a pool and the man flew into its depths, never to return.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.24.2015 @ 7:58 am
“Back off! Back off or I’ll kill your daughter!”
Dale stared at the menacing dude in black holding his son in his hands. What did he say? “Um… he’s a guy, you know…”
The dude stared, then looked down at his captive and screamed. The son looked up and planted a kiss on his forehead, which sent him running for his life. Nobody ever saw the mugger again.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.23.2015 @ 8:54 am
“Okay. You go around the left corridor while I’ll bait the guards at the front entrance. Yeah?”
“Cool. Sweet. Good luck, baby.”
Coral rushed off to the front entrance, opened up her backpack, and waved the red meat at the guard dogs. “Here, doggies!” She petted them gently as they ran up to her, then captured their shape. She smiled. It was going to be an easy heist after all.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.22.2015 @ 6:57 am
“Wow, you look spectacular in that suit, Mike!” Mike’s mom gushed and cooed at Mike wearing his suit.
Mike looked down, somewhat embarrassed. “You really think I look that nice, Mom?”
“Yes, of course! Have fun at prom with all your students and everything!”
Mike waved goodbye to his mom as the aide came to take her back to her bed in the nursing home. Then he drove his Cadillac to school.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.21.2015 @ 8:56 am
“So here is where we are now,” Commander Archibald pointed on the prickly line diagram on the screen in their top-secret headquarters, “and here is where the time machine will place you. Is that clear, Cadet Jackson?”
“That’s where the guy who stole your girlfriend did so? Are you sure we need all this gadgets for this?”
“Do as I say, Jackson, or your girlfriend might not last long either…” the commander snickered.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.20.2015 @ 8:43 am
Jim walked into the lounge carefully.
There were two other guys sitting on a sofa, idly chatting. He shuffled up to them and asked, “Um, excuse me. Is this the lounge for people who manage to get 10,000 coins in a row on the Master Challenge online game thing?”
They looked at each other and nodded. Jim sat down.
Two seconds later he jumped up and said, “This is boring. Let’s go crash the next door party, I think it’s about 10,000 crystals.”
» Posted By betaveros On 07.17.2015 @ 7:10 am
“So, if you add twice this equation to the next, you can find x. And then…” Ms. Fairbank paused to let her students answer.
“You plug x back into the first equation!” yelled Polly.
“That’s the signal!” shouted Holly next to her. “Plug x back into the first equation!” She and the fifty other students around her raised their crosses and ran forwards to plug them into the room’s power supply.
There was a loud flash.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.16.2015 @ 8:32 am
“Okay. That’s the end of the final presentation of evidence and cross-examination. May the jury retreat to their private room to discuss the verdict?” The judge hit his gavel.
So Tim found himself with eleven other people arguing over the murder. And all of them thought he was guilty.
The sounds drowned out his thoughts. “Stop it! He’s innocent! Because — ” Tim groaned and drew out his lightsaber and slashed off everybody’s faces — “I DID IT!!!”
» Posted By betaveros On 07.10.2015 @ 8:29 am
“Come on, bro, let’s go out to plaaay!!” Hellie’s voice was as innocent and jubilant as usual. Hector shook his head. “Sorry, sis, I really need to study for the big test tomorrow.”
Hellie’s smile slowly turned into a frown. “Fine. Be that way. I’ll just go play with my imaginary friends then.”
She stalked off. Hector turned his head and looked at her sadly, just in time to see her imaginary friend yank her from the floor and deposit her on the ceiling beam in a shrieking mess of gore and antigravity.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.09.2015 @ 8:44 am
“Okay. Now pour the acid over the battery nodes and IT’S ALIVE!!! YES!!!” Dr. Parker dropped his instruction manual and let out a mad scientist cackle. The metal contraption arising from the mess looked about quizzically, then at the remaining of the acid, and jumped in.
“NOOO!!!” shouted Parker in as abrupt a tone shift as possible. He looked back at the manual. “Warning: keep organism away from more corrosive material because it has an affinity for the same and will try to deconstruct itself”
» Posted By betaveros On 07.08.2015 @ 8:21 am
The couple sat on the beach, bathed in seawater and euphoria.
“Darling, do you like how my skin tone is turning out?” she purred to the man next to her. He nodded, with an air of satisfaction.
“Good, because it’s all the better to suffocate you with —” and she pounced.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.07.2015 @ 8:53 am
Mike swatted at the fly. “Argh! Make it stop! I have to do homework!”
Unfazed, it flew back to his head and hovered around his ears. He glared at it and locked eyes. “Staring contest!”
Suddenly he felt himself shrinking. The fly was expanding. They were switching bodies!
The fly that had become Mike looked at the scattered clothes and then at the homework. “Tsk tsk, stupid human. That’s not how you evaluate a double integral!” He grabbed a pencil and began to write.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.06.2015 @ 8:54 am
The teacher slammed the essay onto the table furiously. “Okay, Tim, you’ve been trained for all these years in rhetoric and B.S. but what you wrote has… no… substance!! No wait where are you going??”
Tim grabbed the paper and ran off. He had the fingerprints. Now all that was left was to set up the crime scene.
» Posted By betaveros On 07.04.2015 @ 6:09 am
“And now, for my final trick, I will pull the classic stuff. Here’s a rabbit out of my hat!” The magician reached his hand into his hat and pulled out a rabbit as he predicted.
The audience roared. Except one person, bent on exposing his trick, stared at the magician and noticed something different up his sleeve.
He pointed. “Look!”
The magician laughed and pulled several more rabbits out of the hat, followed by a demonic spawn from his overcoat.
» Posted By betaveros On 06.25.2015 @ 6:12 am
The lawyer looked at her latest potential client from across the table and shook her head. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t take your case.”
The man narrowed his eyes. “No, but… what if I sweeten the deal with a few extra million?”
Out of nowhere, he produced three extra heavy black briefcases. The lawyer’s eyes bugged out.
He opened the suitcases and out jumped her familiar sprites from her off-duty job as a magical defense striker. “Happy birthday!” they chorused.
» Posted By betaveros On 06.24.2015 @ 8:46 am
The conductor was unimpressed by the hubbub beneath his stand. One of the tuba players was trying to hit one of the violin players with his tuba. “That’s NOT how the comPOSer wanted the NOTE to be PLAYED!!!” he shouted. The violin player was curled into a ball, crying. “He was my f-f-father and I think I should know better than you!”
» Posted By betaveros On 06.23.2015 @ 6:17 am
She lifted up the blanket, flipped it over, snapped the precise centers of the edges into each other as if by magic, and then flattened the folded bundle onto the bed.
“There! All neat and tidy. Now, that’s the final prerequisite for the spell. Let’s see here…”
She found the piece of chalk in her apron and commenced drawing the pentagram.
» Posted By betaveros On 06.22.2015 @ 7:46 am
“I mean, most boys find me attractive, yeah?”
The blonde looked at her target and tried to flash her eyes in a way that would make his heart melt or something.
But he just shrugged. “Sorry, I’m more a fan of electricity myself.”
“What was that I don’t even —”
“Beats magnets every day, ma’am.”
» Posted By betaveros On 06.19.2015 @ 8:39 am
“No, higher. Gosh!” The soprano snapped. “It’s hopeless! I’m never going to be able to perform with you guys! I quit!”
She stormed out of the room. The other guys looked at each other uncertainly.
“Um, weren’t we discussing where to place this plant to kill the most zombies?”
“Gee, I don’t know. She sounded pretty off.”
» Posted By betaveros On 06.17.2015 @ 8:10 am
“HQ, this is Watson speaking, over and out, over and out.”
“We hear you, Watson. What is your status?”
“Um, so, I’m dangling off this really long rope hanging from a half-destroyed Empire State Building and there’s a nuclear bomb ready to go off two meters to the north and underneath there’s some sort of reanimated dinosaur.”
“Typical Thursday, in other words.”
“Try pinching the rope with your middle and ring finger, you’ll get the gadget you need out of it.”
» Posted By betaveros On 06.14.2015 @ 4:42 am
“No! Don’t go, Daddy! It’s really under the bed, I swear!”
“Now, we’ve been over this many times, my dear. Monsters aren’t real…”
“I’m not talking about monsters, Daddy! I mean the necklace Mom left you!”
Paul crawled under the bed. He was grappling in the dark when he heard the demonic laughter from above him.
Then he was falling…
» Posted By betaveros On 06.13.2015 @ 4:21 am
“Don’t tell anybody who I am.”
Monica shuddered and twisted in her chair, trying to say something or call through help through the gag. Her captor slowly, gingerly removed her blindfold.
Monica was staggered to behold a flittering fairy in front of her. “What… what are you?”
“Nobody can knooooow” moaned the fairy
» Posted By betaveros On 06.11.2015 @ 7:15 am
“And then you take this sheet and pull it through this hole, and you’ve finished unfolding the beautiful crane!”
“Um… Miss Wormwood? Why are we learning how to *destroy* an origami construction, instead of, you know, folding it?”
“You don’t know? Destructive maintenance is all the rage these days. This will be on your midterm.”
» Posted By betaveros On 06.10.2015 @ 8:37 am
Back To Stats Page
“All our produce is locally sourced!” crowed the grocery store owner proudly.
“Oh really? What about these carrots?” shouted a grumpy man from the back of the line.
“What *about* these carrots?”
“Well, you see,” the man said, then turned the carrots around.
The owner gasped and ducked for cover.
» Posted By betaveros On 06.09.2015 @ 4:18 am