Comments Posted By beautybeyondstars
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The urge to run automatically kicked her heart into racing gear. Bailey shifted her sights to the skyline. Looking above the building and into the orange of the rising sun. It had been so long since she had felt warmth. Down the hatch she went. Hair whipping around in the harsh winds. Sand stinging her skin as it raced through the city streets, jumping into the tunnel below her. She wasn’t sure when she would get the chance to see the sun again. It had been 246 days until today that the opportunity arose. She ducked her head as the latch above her locked into place.
“That’s what I get for choosing to live through this bullshit apocalypse” she mumbled, “should’ve ran when I felt the urge.” The urge to run was always automatic, but she knew better. They always promised that she wouldn’t survive an hour.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 01.28.2018 @ 6:55 pm
My mind clamps done on the hopes for later down the road. I dream of a house and a husband and a child. I dream of all these things. I hold down tight, but I’m loosing my grip. I can’t find the next stepping stone to the solid rock at the end. The house on the hill seems so far away. I’m not sure where to turn or step or go.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 01.20.2018 @ 7:12 pm
Sometimes I’m miserable.
Seeing you miserable made me hurt. Like a spear to the heart. I cried-for a moment. And then I was okay.
I miss your friendship. I miss your hugs. I miss your smell. I miss your sideways laugh. I miss your sarcastic laugh…and then the squeaky laugh that follows if I get you laughing hard enough.
But I don’t miss being constantly miserable. I don’t miss crying alone. I don’t miss falling asleep cold. I don’t miss the yelling and heartache-never feeling enough. Staying home alone…trusting that you really were working at 10 at night. Holding your hand, wondering, “is this okay to do?” Having my every move questioned, every text message supervised. Feeling trapped and isolated. Being consistently miserable.
Sometimes Im still miserable. But only for a moment. Mostly, I’m happy.
Please be happy, too.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.18.2017 @ 8:15 pm
Im no longer miserable.
I smile, I laugh, I go out at night.
I have friends over, sing the wrong words to the songs on the radio without judgement.
Never before have I felt so free and so cared for all at the same time.
You made me miserable.
Now, Im alive.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.18.2017 @ 8:08 pm
Stuck in this bubble. I look through the watery glass around me. I can hear laughter, I can see memories being made. I can participate in conversation, make logical decisions, even joke and laugh and dance and sing and live. Or what others think it living. I’m so tired. I walk around purposeless. Making money, spending money. Meeting people, saying goodbyes. Too nervous to open up, dying inside from keeping it in. I asking to take on his burden, thinking I had the tools to get through it…this battle is far more costly than I realized. This strange orb has engulfed every aspect of my life. Is this depression? Is this anxiety? Whats wrong with me?
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 06.03.2017 @ 8:59 pm
It glows defiantly in the distance. Dancing and shimmering. I stood in awe. Heard nothing, saw nothing else. Every sound, emotion, worry, memory-all of it gone as I became more and more entranced. All I knew was it was cold. That beautiful orb shone in the distance-and I was too far away to capture its glow.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 06.03.2017 @ 8:56 pm
I lost you.
Not just lost you,
I twisted you up into a tiny little ball and threw you as far into the sea as I could.
I hated the way you restrained me,
How you enraged me, took advantage and deranged me.
Drove me so crazy that I thought right was always wrong and I could never be right.
Could never do enough.
Could never be enough.
How ridiculous that in the end, still it is I that feels at a loss.
You pummeled through your emotions. Pounding back the alcohol and destroying box after box
of cigarettes. Never allowing yourself to taste regret.
I gently sorted my emotions. Like cleaning out old drawers: I sifted through the contents of my heart and soul one by one. Drawing them close to my heart, breathing them in, reliving the feelings and sights and sounds. Putting them down. Stepping away when the memories and smiles and loss came in waves. When I could no longer stand it-cramming it all together into a tight ball and hurling it towards the ocean’s furthest horizon.
But even the empty drawers are a memory. And I refuse to rush to fill them. They are much too precious to recklessly fill with such as memories of you.
So day after day, I open the drawers of my heart where my memories are stored. Swallow the knife you placed in my throat and stare into their emptiness.
Embracing the loss.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 02.17.2017 @ 7:43 pm
Drenched to my soul.
You pour your words over me like sweet honey.
Your hands trace rivulets down my thighs.
Never before have I felt so refreshed.
Every time I see you I blossom.
From dying desert flower to dancing dandelion
Making wishes in the wind.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 01.05.2017 @ 6:20 pm
You lured me in slowly.
Your stormy surface beguiling
your strong arms tightening
your laugh dark and quick
Your words like a whip
stirring beneath the surface of the storm
was a riptide
ripping away my breath
tying my hands
and laughing at my lack of breath
shooting arrows just for fun
When the night was over
Your witchcraft had won.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 12.05.2016 @ 7:33 pm
Im gonna break his heart.
I hugged you, smiled at you, held your hand and kissed your cheek. Slept next to you. Took you to all your favorite places, filled your house with little touches of me. How you turned the chair, where you hung art you hated butI insisted you needed on the walls, showing you how to make sense of a grown up pantry. Encouraged you to get a dog, helped you pick out new bedding, redecorated your room….
knowing that eventually….I would break your heart.
knowing we were never meant to be together.
knowing we would never spend forever together…but hoping each happy moment would last.
I took your hand and led you down Misguided Lane….and you followed me.
I broke your heart.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 10.16.2016 @ 8:29 pm
Hes a loner.
Nothing is as important as his own way of living.
Not a person.
Not a thing.
Not an idea.
None is worth the sacrifice of his black and white, predictable world.
I befriended the wolf.
And became the prey.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 09.01.2016 @ 9:50 pm
I was wrong.
You were delighted.
We are through.
I am drunk.
You are stubborn.
We are through.
I am selfish.
You were delighted.
We are through.
I am hurting.
You are neutral.
We are through.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 08.25.2016 @ 10:08 pm
“The protein combines with a number of chemicals to produce this effect, see?” said the the professor as he stalked between doorframes. Running his hand through his salt and pepper hair he turned sharply on his toes and looked at me with desperation. “Don’t you see? This could either be the exact answer needed…or,” he lowered his shaking voice, “the destruction of it all. The very mainframe and baseline of our creation could collapse!”
I lowered my eyes and placed my fingers on my chin…taking it all in slowly. My mind racing. “So it seems..” I began, “that we will simply have to implement it and see.”
“They said you were mad…and until now I had never believed them.”
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.24.2016 @ 6:41 pm
She steps in the room and it shifts.
The air grows warm, people relax, and laughter seems more comfortable.
Her smile woos and her eyes dance right through you.
She dances around and all eyes follow.
Light seems to stalk her, and beauty never leaves her side.
She talks and darkness is lifted, bitterness disappears…and I am entranced.
She controls the climate.
She changes the atmosphere.
And then she left.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.23.2016 @ 10:46 pm
I need to escape… to breathe. The intake deeply of fresh air and fresh dreams. To breathe in the peacefulness of new and exhale the poison in my lungs. To release the bitterness and hatred and animosity that pollutes my brain. I need a one way ticket…to climb high above the clouds and be free from the expectations and the violence that harasses life. I wan to run in the climate that is above it all. To run, to lift off…and fly.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.23.2016 @ 10:41 pm
I banked on you.
I counted the stars in the sky, attaching my hopes and dreams to the names you pulled out of your galaxy of a mind. I banked on the hopes and dreams we built together. Going from ‘never’, to ‘maybes’, to ‘one day I might..’
In these things I placed all my fears, inadequacies, deeply-held secrets, and my most precious of infant imaginings. I built an imaginary foundation who’s sole source was you.
But thats when it moved.
Our stars fell from the sky-or at least stopped shining as bright. My dreams were too big, too full of people and noise and “adventures at night”. Turns out that when times became tough…Your beer tainted breath and deceptive smiles broke through. Revealing that sandy foundation. You turned to salt and my dreams fell apart.
I banked on you.
Your waves sucked me in and I drowned.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.22.2016 @ 8:48 pm
A look that could freeze hell, and words that melted through my hope. A snake in a hot desert; freezing my motions. From one extreme to the other I couldn’t keep up…
“It’s common sense, Em! It’s reality! Stop making stupid decisions!”
My creativity and brightly colored world shattering from the heated tone coming from his full lips. The lips I had kissed to cool a temper. Lips that had raised my inner temperature time and time again…now burning a flush onto my face and drawing cold, cold tears from my eyes. The extremes. I had grown used to the extremes. Hot, disappointed breaths. Iceberg laughter when emotions ran high.
It tore me apart, separating me, cracking my exterior as my patience was stretched and my independence shrunk. The road of our relationship tearing further and further apart. My response took longer than his patience could endure.
A dismissal no thermometer could read.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.01.2016 @ 8:39 pm
I feel it rising. The sun beats down on my soul and red creeps up my face. Tears steaming as they roll like rivers in a desert down my face. I wipe them away with the back of my hand, attempting to hide the weakness from him. I can’t help but feel the heat rising as my words grow more and more poisonous, rising from my tongue and lashing out like a snake. The desert is no place for emotion. And our arguments are too hot for a thermometer.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 07.01.2016 @ 8:21 pm
“You’re too touchy.”
Too easily swayed or bumped or bruised.
Too used, abused and discarded.
So I break down at the sight of you disheartened.
I see your hope in us wavering. Your happiness depleted.
Trust me, there’s so many times that Ive thought about leavin’.
Leaving you so that you can be happy. You can find a girl who didn’t give in and let the peer pressure win and hit that horrible button: Send.
My fingers were touchy and I was touched-not by men but by words. Not by fingers or appendages but by emotions that were stirred.
Emotions you claim you don’t have.
But I see through your ‘skin’.
Cause when I touch you I feel your heart racing, your emotions raging, your blood boiling and your faith wearing thin.
So I’m sorry I’m so touchy but….
its the only way you let me in.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 04.13.2016 @ 9:12 pm
“I miss the you with braces-the angel girl.” He says it over and over again, but it doesn’t change a thing. Fact is, he’s the one who encouraged my transformation, encouraged my behavior to go from gasping at curses to swearing like a sailor, from virgin lips to begging to drink at the slightest confrontation. He created this monster…but misses the angel. How ironic. His angel fell and he’s no longer mystified.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 03.19.2016 @ 9:41 pm
The delivery of your words hits me like a flood. Devastating even the loveliest of days, moments-all in one simple sentence your fury boils over and hits me in the chest. Your words deliver pain and anguish, stabbing my heart in a staccato beat, slicing open my eyes as tears flow free after moments of shock. And in those moments of shock, your words are delivered continuously. Your patience was worn thin from my inability to contribute, my ideas were stupid, my logic was illogical, i didn’t think 16 steps ahead the way I should have..reason after reason on how my actions caused your words to be delivered in the most un-lovingly of ways. You said you thought you loved me…but love is patient, its kind…and the delivery of your words and actions…are neither.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 03.19.2016 @ 4:14 pm
I believed that you liked me. That you thought I was funny, maybe smart, a bit fun. I believed it when you kissed me-believed that you did it because you thought I was special. I believed that I had won you over. I believed that you saw the love in my eyes, the respect and the endearment and awe…and that you returned it.
But your words and actions didn’t match up. Things were confusing and confounding and I created a happy ever after picture in my mind to combat my fears.
But when it came down to it…when the skies grew dark and the tears ran down my cheeks in spades, and words were hurled like stones…the truth was revealed.
You liked me because it was logical.
And honestly, you didn’t even like me. “‘Us’ just seemed logical.”
I believed that our relationship would be treasured.
But you treated it like trash, and so I threw it away.
We dug it out of the trash can together…only for it to end up on the floor.
I believed that you liked me.
How could I have ever believed that you liked me.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 03.10.2016 @ 9:28 pm
I believe in us. I believe in staying up late at night and watching the sunrise. I believe in stolen kisses, saucy remarks, and gentlemanly pats on the ass. I believe in fighting and crying and ending in red faces, worn out eyes and bare bodies fighting it out until theres a mutual rejoicing-sometimes ending in agreement. I believe in whispering in bed as the sun rises, hoping the dog won’t catch a whisp of our words and break the spell of morning with his bark. I believe in having little terrors one day, in carefully applying cream on your tattoos, in building with you. I believe in spontaneous hugs, long sarcastic laughter, drinking until we forget the bad, and driving to the ends of the earth with you on an adventure. I believe in forever.
But you don’t.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 03.10.2016 @ 8:15 pm
I orbit around him. Waiting on the rim, slowly circling around and around. I attempt to come closer at some times, but I’m pushed away. Pushing me away due to a repetition of his history…yet day after day I circle around, longing for his gravitational pull to let me in…thinking that if I just get close enough..if I circle at a distance long enough he will let me in. So slowly I circle…around my Sun…loving his warmth but hating the distance. Day after day I orbit.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 02.26.2016 @ 8:09 pm
Hanging on by a string. Her muscles aching, her joints sore as she clung to the edge…it was the last thing she had. Hope kept her clinging to the severed edge of the building. It had kept her alive for so long. Hope that it would all turn out okay. Hope that she would see her again. Hope that they could fix all of this. Hope that the sun would come back and the darkness would fade gradually. Hope that one day she could have a house, and a garden, and the dream job she was so close to having. Until it all came crashing down. Until the sky fell out of the heavens and the power went out. Hope was all she had left. Hope was what made the difference between Them and Humanity.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 02.14.2016 @ 10:01 am
The incense burns with the smell that makes my head spins. Bringing back a thousand memories-all with bright colors, chanting, long skirts, bells and gongs. So many people and so much noise-its incessant. The flame goes out as it is lit, but the smell remains burned into my memories.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 01.07.2016 @ 7:48 pm
I ate and ate and ate. It left me reeling and sick. But I couldn’t stop. I ate without thinking. We laughed and drank and ate. Not realizing the hostess, sitting in the corner. Smiling greedily and sipping from her wineglass. Planning our deaths-by-gluttony. Her beauty as tantalizing and addictive and poisinous as the food placed in front of us. The addictive food put us in a sickening daze. We couldn’t stop. Didn’t stop-for years. All of us slaves.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 11.28.2015 @ 8:50 pm
Like a shark I prey. Quietly, silently….seeing them helplessly and ignorantly treading water. I slap on my lipstick and my sexiest smile…floating quietly nearby…waiting to take the first bite. Little does he know thats all it takes…one bite and I’m satisfied. And he’s left torn to shreds. I wasn’t always a shark, you know. I was bred this way.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 11.28.2015 @ 8:40 pm
They’re like land sharks. Hunting you slowly, eerily, stealthy. Then taking a bite out of you. Leaving you in excruciating pain. Just leaving you there. Bleeding and broken and torn….your Trying to swim to shore but sinking fast.
Men, who needs ’em.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 11.28.2015 @ 8:38 pm
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I need to be fed. I give and give and give attention. I give and give and give advice. I give and give and give love. But it feels like I’m starving. Starving for attention, starving for advice, starving for love. This wisdom I’ve gained I’m much too young for. So I give and give and give it away, feeding others and gaining nothing in return. Im starving and need to be fed.
» Posted By beautybeyondstars On 11.16.2015 @ 12:22 pm