Comments Posted By Kari
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Words flow through my head as if they were pouring into my glass. I only with they would pour just as gracefully and purposefully. I know that every one would be better off with out me. I’m the one the bridges the gap, however, in my case, it is not for the good. I seem to be the opposite of what every one needs or wants. Why am I suddenly a charity case? He stays because he’s happy? No; he stays because its what is good for him. I am the one who is nice. Who is a “good mother.” Ask the kids and I am a monster. I am……just nothing. I am useless. I have no joy in life. Why would I want to hold them back from what they could be. That means splitting up the kids and letting them live completely different lives. Separate. I continue to refill my glass, to feel anything at all. It’s just pain inside. And even when I look inside and it’s empty. Empty glass, empty bottle.
» Posted By Kari On 12.24.2018 @ 7:26 am
I feel as if I am literally just one single person; with no connection to the real world. Every one has their place, has their reason of being, has their own decisions to act upon…..but somehow I do not. I am just a single person yet I feel every thing and every one that surrounds me decides everything for me. I do not get a choice, or a voice, or an opinion. It’s just my life for everyone else. I just have to accept it. I realize that it’s been my previous decisions that lead me to this life. Was I ever happy? Probably not. Probably never. I don’t even think I know what “happy” is. I know what it feels to cry and be sad, and most of the time I feel this without knowing why. Perhaps, it is the lack of voice to speak the truth. I do not have the words to give reason. I feel defeated in everything I do. Is that why those around me have decided my fate? They do not see me capable of leading my own life. I should know better. But what troubles me the most is it is not one direction they attempt to lead me. I guess they are giving me a choice after all; however, I find it quite evil for me to make a choice like this. I just want it to go away. I want to go away. Every one would be happier. No one would have to worry about me. No more decisions made for me. My choice. My choice only.
» Posted By Kari On 10.22.2018 @ 12:27 pm
Ever since I was little, I was always told what the “right” thing was. I rarely ever was told of other options. it was one way or another. As I’ve gotten older, more experienced in life, I know for a fact that there are so many other ways. I was so scared of what would happen if I didn’t stay on track. I feared failure, of being derailed. Now, I can’t say that I fully embrace failure, because it is the worst feeling; however, I can say that I have learned to embrace the fact that I can take failure as a lesson, or I can take it and forever dwell on it. After my own personal derailing, it was difficult to see the bigger picture. It was like it was the end of a map. As if it was not a map of the world, or even the state, but it was just of the city. I really had to open it up further to see all other directions I could take. I was not stuck on these two tracks. There were twists and turns and hills and tunnels, lefts and rights. I know now that my life is not a “right” way and a “wrong” way. I can make my decisions by feeling. It was so hard to open that heavy door to get out of the box. I took a leap, tumbled down but got back up. Not every one can fit onto one train. Not every one ends up in the same place. And not every one came from the same place. This is what make every person so unique. Regardless of my doubts and my guilt, I can see that I finally took the right train; now I need to find the right tools to detach the cargo that weighs me down. Free, from my caboose.
» Posted By Kari On 08.02.2018 @ 7:42 pm
I often crave the cold weather. I reminds me of snow, getting cozy next to the fireplace, hot cocoa and cuddling up with the softest thing in my closet. That one item has become a staple in many closets; it used to just be something that my dad and brother wore. However, I am now saddened by the thought. The world right now is not what it used to be and insomnia is at its worst. As I still crave the cold weather, I cringe at wanting fire. Something that was once so beautiful, peaceful and serine is now being destroyed by what I used to be memorized by. Irony also at its best. How can I sleep? How can I pretend that it’s all OK? It’s not; I just want to mourn the loss of the one place I felt my happiest. Perhaps, I need to do just that. I have held back tears for so many meaningless occasions because of self pride……sometimes, not so meaningless. Why do I hide my emotions? I feel judged. I feel weakness. I feel pain. I hate all of that. I feel so helpless. It’s only fair, when the world is drowning and burning, I am sleepless with them. They are not alone; we all suffer in the end.
» Posted By Kari On 09.05.2017 @ 11:48 pm
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thats what a forest is our mind a pe
» Posted By kari On 11.01.2015 @ 2:53 pm
My life has started over. In a way, this can happen to someone many times over their lifetime.I do not believe that you just live just one life and then its over. You go through so many stages, and periods of growth where you live many lives. You are never the same person because of everything you learn and overcome. I am sure not one person can tell me that they are the same person from when they were in elementary school…..or even high school. How many people you become, how much you grow, what you decide to learn from is all up to you, and only you. It’s a choice you make. Who you let into your life is probably one of the toughest choices to make. They can be the breaking point for you or they can turn your life around for the good. And you’ll never know for sure what that person will be for you till it’s too late. But what a learning experience it will be. This next chapter for me is one I’ve been through before, but now with a different person. This person has changed my life; they’ve made the biggest impact that I never expected. The greatest thing you can do is open up your heart to someone, and with them doing the same, you not only create life together but a new life emerges. My life has started over.
» Posted By Kari On 08.04.2015 @ 10:58 am
I don’t think that I am very flexible. I used to be able to do the splits when I was little, but it has been so long that now I can feel my bones crack and my muscles ache if I even try. I could do things, stretch, yoga, you know, stuff like that, but why even bother? What is so great about being flexible any way? I’m not a fucking banana peel. Or a pipe cleaner. A snake? Oh, you meant flexible with my time… I see.
» Posted By Kari On 09.27.2014 @ 12:09 pm
» Posted By kari On 09.25.2014 @ 9:26 am
i thik that hazel is grateful for everything that happened in her life ansd thats why they always havwe to tel her that she has to worry about her living a full life bevause she has been blesed with enough
» Posted By kari On 09.25.2014 @ 9:25 am
I am not the same woman I was five years ago. Obviously none of us are the same after such time has passed. I somehow managed to pull myself from the worst possible place I could think of for myself and turn it all around. Unfortunately, I end up back in that dark place again. It is all in my own head; these feelings that I can seem to shake: undeserving, unworthy, unintelligent, un-pretty…..the list goes on. I lose self respect and I just fall into depression. The worst of it is, I will had a single tiny window where I can gain it all back. However, there is always a catch. Most of the time that tiny window requires help. Why would anyone help someone like me? How can anyone hold so much hate for themselves? I don’t deserve happiness. My happiness belongs to my children and for that I make sacrifices. Tears are a small price to pay for two precious miracles. That leaves my only hope is that they, in the end, will have respect for me.
» Posted By Kari On 09.22.2014 @ 12:22 am
Growing up we are given this idea that we will end up happily ever after; that we will find the love of our life and everything just falls into place perfectly. Why? Is this a good enough reason to motivate us and give hope that one day everything will work out? I think for most of us it doesn’t. And when it doesn’t then we are forced to continue to search and seek that “thing” that we have been searching our whole lives for. Hope keeps us moving forward and I quite honestly believed it for a moment. After life shoving one down into dirt over and over…and over again, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly for me, I had already lived one life and while starting a new one with another, it has only proven to cause even more hardship. Torn between love and life. Stupid love for lying to me again! Alas, its never Love’s fault, is it? Sure the saying goes, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” It’s always me. Love is only a fantasy, and we all know fairy-tales to be a form of fantasy. As much as I wish to believe in a fairy-tale, it is not real. However, I am still at loss of what to do. Somehow I feel as if life is repeating itself again and I as stuck deciding between the same two fucking questions. Should I stay, or should I go? Regardless of the situation being completely different than the other, it remains the same level of difficulty; maybe more, but, maybe less. My heart and my head could never see clearly. I guess the bigger question really is: what is real? Is love real? Or rather an idea made up to give hope? And what is hope anyway? Seems like just another one of those “ideas” that force us to believe something that will never be; something to keep us moving forward……to keep working……to keep living. But really, what’s the point? If everything we have ever know to be real is false, then what are we living for?
» Posted By Kari On 08.19.2014 @ 12:11 am
Single. We are born as single individuals and we die as single individuals. Maybe this is why we spend our living existence trying to find love and companionship. We are born and die alone. Maybe this is the reason why we search throughout our lives to find that other single individual whole will fill the empty place in our hearts. Maybe this explains why we are the social beings that we are. We are born single indiciduals and we die that way. This must invoke in us a fear of being single. Of being alone. See we do all we can to keep this from being who we are during our living days.
» Posted By Kari On 04.06.2014 @ 2:14 pm
Some days, as I reflect all the things i have done in my life, I feel I have held so much back. i have not been able to pin point the reasons why I never allowed myself to do certain things or act a certain way, or even wear certain things. Most likely, I feared being judged. by whom, I am unsure of. What I am sure of is I do not want people to think poorly of me. Thinking about it now it seems silly but still I fear it. I like these people, who ever they are, to see that I have made good choices; that I was a good person. However, when reminded of my bad choices, it’s a punch to the ego. I question every decision I have ever made on my own, so when someone else does that for me, especially those I love, it hurts me. Why is it so wrong to want to do things “by the book”? It took me so long to accept myself with the title of Single Mom, or Divorcee. But deep down it was never something I ever expected, wanted or have come to terms with. I failed. Maybe it was because I cut a few corners on the way but I did my best. I remained sheltered, I didn’t allow myself to fall into temptation. I guess that is what I keep telling myself. It’s the only way I can look in the mirror. It never works out the way you hope, though. The past remains in your presence and your future; and its the number one reason why no one wants you.
» Posted By Kari On 03.09.2014 @ 10:41 pm
So much of our lives rely on something to turn, to spin or rotate. However you see it move it will always do just that. Move. Now, you have two options on how you look at this. You can see it as an opportunity or you can see it as an advantage. No matter how you want to see it, it will still move. Regardless of what you want it to do, it will still move. The universe is out of your hands and what is meant to be, will be. Much like that of the mirror ball that reflects the spotlight at the roller rink. Even that damned rink forces you to be trapped in a rotation. However, it was a choice and every choice has a consequence. You knew very well that the rink would suck you in like a tornado, yet, you let it. You knew that you would find joy in the endless cycle. Perhaps it brought back memories from childhood of someone taking you by the hands and spinning you as fast as they could. Trusting they would not let you slip out of their hands. It only took one time for them to let you slip before you would ever let them have another try. There is always joy in the unexpected. At times, there is more joy to be found there. Like the first attempt at a margarita. Maybe it was took much alcohol or not enough, but it was that blender that memorized you for a brief moment. Its that feeling you crave. The whirlwind effect or downward spiral. Its something that no one can run from but they must make a choice. They can let it drag them down or…..they can dance with it.
» Posted By Kari On 01.22.2014 @ 12:13 am
I leaned my back against a tree to make sure they didn’t see me; I kept my distance. Although I could not see them up ahead of me, I knew they were there. I wondered so much what “they” were or even “who” they are. My eyes searched the ground to see where they’ve gone. I found nothing. Maybe a tree branch has broken or they left a fragment of clothing. I just needed something, anything, to tell me where they were headed. Then finally, I saw what I needed. North. I began to cautiously run full speed. I needed to catch them. I needed to know where they were going. Who they were. I heard a voice. I froze behind a bush but my eyes wondered. Squinting into the sunlight I could see a shadow. I crept closer making sure I stayed low. I suddenly realized they were right there. As if I were back to back with them. I could feel them. Could they possibly feel me as well? This overwhelming fright came over me, but somehow, I felt complete. As if my soul was filled with warmth. What is happening? Who did I find? I knew I had to let this fear drop and face them. Only a tree separates us, and as if they knew exactly what was going through my mind, we both came out from the tree. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. The only thing that could come from my mouth was “Oh my God.” The feeling that took over my body was so unexplainable that I knew I had to be dreaming. This person should not be in front of me. This person, whom I chased through the woods, whom I just needed to find. Goosebumps began to cascade down my body, from head to toe. I finally wrapped my head around my reality. This person, was who I needed to find all along. This person was the answer to all my questions. This person was who I have been searching for all my life. They are finally right there in front of me. I began to cry. There was no other feeling but love filling me with warmth. This person, was me.
» Posted By Kari On 01.06.2014 @ 9:57 pm
It was always the back of the classroom for me; I feared that I could be called upon to answer the teachers’ question. Of course, I never thought I was smart enough and always doubted my abilities. As I grew older, and the more I learned about myself and life, I felt more confident in not only my ability to learn but to teach all that I have learned through my experiences. I realized that no matter where you are life, you are always going to have new experiences, meet new people and expand your knowledge. It is up to you on how you will use it.
» Posted By Kari On 11.22.2013 @ 8:56 pm
Many criticize me because I have never been high; I have always been a “goody-goody.” Although, drugs have never been my choice of addiction, my experience may be more similar than most would assume. You lose a clear frame of mind, you go through withdrawals, and quite possibly put yourself in harms way; this was my story. However, when its you going through this, it feels completely different when it’s someone else addicted to you. Guilt haunts your every step as you reminisce everyday spent together and what could have been done differently to avoid the situation; but, in reality, you can’t avoid it. Certain personality traits does not allow for this to be avoided and then you’re left doing to them exactly what he or she did to you. Break their heart.
» Posted By Kari On 08.29.2013 @ 10:49 am
It happens once and a while where a person feels helpless, hopeless, worthless and they give up. What is even worse is, they give on up those who can help them the most. More importantly, they give up on themselves. Life is changing every which way and outcomes will differ between each of us. We all take in and put out in different ways. We handle successes and opportunities is different ways, too. This could be concerning especially the way opportunities are handled. It is easy to allow something so small to eat you up inside because you may not have handled a situation in a way you wanted. This thought can linger to the point where something so small became so large; all you need to do is take it in, learn from it, and more on……
» Posted By Kari On 08.11.2013 @ 8:59 pm
Sometimes, when I am in deep conversation, I can visualize the sentences coming out of our mouths. This can be somewhat troublesome depending on the topic. Once a sensitive subject arises, the moment where the other is waiting for a response, the line of periods suddenly appear. They taunt me to say something back and slowly get closer and closer the longer I wait to respond. The words race through my mind but never escape my lips. How can a speed bump through life become more of a tidal wave, crushing all that I care about. Sadly, the tidal wave is me and there is no stopping my self destructiveness. Those periods in which end a sentence may be the shadow that haunts me, where ever I go.
» Posted By Kari On 07.25.2013 @ 11:41 pm
It’s dark as I proceed closer to the door. I can see the door handle slightly glow as the street light hits it. I am comforted in the fact I can see anything at all. As I grip the door knob, a shiver creeps up and down my spine. It was almost as if something went through me. I gently turn the knob, trying my best for it not to make a sound, then push the door ever so slightly just to take a peek before entering. Darkness. Hoping as I open the door, the street light will continue to lead me to my path. With each step I take, the creaks in the floor get louder. This old house is not forgiving. I see a shadow just out the corner of my eye; it is above me. I freeze. My eyes are steady as I look up to the high right, pleading with the street light to shine a little higher. A shimmer. It does not move nor do I. My heart is pounding in fear. What could it be? Bravely I turn towards my enemy pleading that I appear to be more of a threat than he. As my eyes adjust more to the darkness, I can see again. The black cascades down so softly from this creatures body. Feathers. I now am comforted knowing who I am up against. Fear no longer feeds my heart. Confidence moves my feet further into the dark room. However, his eyes do not leave me alone. Where I go, his eyes go. Perhaps, I am no longer a stranger to him as I thought, but rather an opportunity. Feeling vulnerable as I ponder his next move, I attempt to hide from his sharp, powerful and precise mandible. One could only imagine the damage it does to its prey. I feel my heart pounding again. I beg for it to be quiet as I don’t want to give away my hiding spot. Over my shoulder, I can feel his presence again. It’s too late. So graceful as he glides to me. Pain takes over and no matter how hard my fight, he wins, and darkness takes over.
» Posted By Kari On 07.14.2013 @ 9:55 pm
The best feeling in life, that most people try to achieve, is the feeling that they are wanted or needed; best friends are a great example of that. However, once in a relationship, you get that feeling tenfold. You now have this one person that wants to see you all the time, otherwise, their day is incomplete. You need to have them around as well and have never been happier. Unfortunately, your best friends began to slowly disappear; something you promised yourself would never happen. But what if, one of your friends confessed they didn’t like your new love? This key information forces you to question everything that ever happened or rethink everything ever said. Then you begin to wonder if she is the only one who thinks like this and is this the reason plans always fall apart? Perhaps this is another sacrifice in life. The life most everyone dreams about is finding love, having a family and living happily ever after. I have never believed in fairy tales as my life has never been an example of one…..but what now? Can we not have it all? Friends, family, love?……Maybe having love means losing people of your past; perhaps, its just one of them.
» Posted By Kari On 07.10.2013 @ 9:53 pm
buddhist allah understanding commitment religion wars christianity empathy morality ethics righteousness devil heaven hell compassion on high bible koran evil good
» Posted By Kari On 07.01.2013 @ 7:59 pm
My friend has a Dog named Barren , one time he ate our pizza. My friend got angry at Barren and tried to get our pizza back. Then Barren bit my friend.
» Posted By kari On 06.01.2013 @ 12:25 am
It’s funny how life can throw you something as simple as a word to make you realize what it is you’re truly scared of. It reminds you that you’re human and life isn’t always easy, nor is it hard. I think at times you just need to be alone with your thoughts in order to regroup and sort of just check in to make sure you are happy with the path you’re on. Doing this quarterly or semi-annual check up is important because if you don’t then how will you ever allow yourself the opportunity to change the path you are on? Sometimes it the idea of something that makes you want whatever it is you want but when you give it some more thought, you are able to weigh out the good and bad that comes along with it; and some things you need to be one lap ahead of the race, otherwise you could end up in a situation where the choice is no longer yours. Regardless, you always have the choice to be happy and it is all up to you to make that choice.
» Posted By Kari On 05.31.2013 @ 11:48 am
» Posted By kari On 04.15.2013 @ 12:21 pm
Remember a time when you felt hurt; when someone did you wrong. Did you feel you deserved it? There was a time where I felt that every pain I experienced, every lie he told me and the lack of love he showed was something I deserved. As if it was payback for something I did. I sought out the men who were bad for me and expected to be walked on. I realized no matter what I had ever done, no one deserved that. I still have yet to find out what I ever did, but I have come to the conclusion that I never did anything except not love myself. It is true that love is a powerful thing but you will never know love till you can love and respect yourself.
» Posted By Kari On 04.08.2013 @ 9:57 am
bagels are a thing that most people eat and I am one of those people and I have no excuse as to why.
some just eat it because its something to do while others eat to stay alive.
I am the one who eats for something to do.
» Posted By Kari On 04.03.2013 @ 8:08 pm
The three of us sit together at the dining room table; it is close to their bedtime. As I look into their eyes of concentration, their mouths move and speak of the random things they paint. She tells me about how her painting will be for me and he proudly paints the letter “T” then messily paints over it. I can’t help but smile over their imaginative conversation with each other. Their small voices, facial expressions and giggles have become so much more over the years. I realize they have grown so fast and before I know it, days like these will be only a memory. She tells me to close my eyes and she paints. Once I am able to open them, I see a rainbow, my favorite. She smiles big and tells me, “It’s a rainbow twister!!!” And just as that rainbow twister swoops me up and warms my heart, I know that if I blink, this all, too, will be a long remembered memory that has been picked up and thrown back to me to keep me warm when they are no longer sitting with me at the dining room table.
» Posted By Kari On 03.27.2013 @ 12:31 pm
So many different ways to describe love. If you have ever loved before you know it is not always a fairy tale as we grew up to learn; it can hurt. But most know that you don’t always only love once, but you find so many people you can love. Not just as a partner but as a friend or even an adopted member of your family. I have felt more pain in love than I have been happy in love; this is the reason I no longer rely on one person to be the fantasy partner I have always expected. I no longer rely on my partner or our love to be just like a fairy tale. The true reason being is, I finally realized I did not need to be rescued. I finally realized I just need to learn to love myself instead of allowing these so-called men to use and abuse me. It was the pure lack of respect I had for myself that lead me to the men that treated me the same way treated myself. Love does not have to hurt and for me it doesn’t anymore. I have learned to love and learned to receive love as I deserve it. For you cannot find love until you love yourself. With this, I found my perfect partner.
» Posted By Kari On 03.20.2013 @ 9:39 am
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We walked along the sidewalk, hand in hand, and at that moment I realized just how small my hand was to hers. Looking over at our locked hands I noticed how frail yet very strong hers had looked. Her nails were long and well kept with the reddest polish I have even seen. She walked proudly and sternly as if she had somewhere important to go. I saw how others made sure to move out of her path out of pure respect. We sat down at our favorite restaurant and began our visit; chatting back and forth. I listened intently to her stories of her childhood, work life, marriage and when she raised my mother, aunt and uncles. This woman is my grandmother. How I strive to be like her one day. She lived very poor yet so rich in love and life. I know without her strength and courage, I would not be here today. I would have not learned the lessons she taught my mother and my mother taught me. The bond of blood is stronger than any other bond. Our hearts will eternally be connected and even when her body is no longer living, she will be with me forever.
» Posted By Kari On 03.11.2013 @ 12:50 pm