Comments Posted By JDwrites
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Ghosts everywhere and my eyes aren’t even open. Ghosts of pasts husbands, ghosts of past lovers, ghosts of past dreams. What do you do when doubts and “what ifs” start staggering through your brain like a drunk on the beach kicking memories around like sand in the wind? I think. I wonder what if i zigged here instead of zagged? What if I feel flat on my face here? What if I didn’t crawl there? Did I give up moving over a large dune? Could I help from getting dizzy in the surf racing across my feet? Could I have prevented the risk of undertow by stumbling only where the safe path appeared in my skewed view?
It doesn’t matter. Though I admit I need the sunshine and a sober yet pounding head to sometimes see that. Passing through the transparent veils of yesterday can offer a chill, but on the other side, there is a good chance you’ll feel warmth again on the other side.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.18.2017 @ 12:47 pm
I saw an old music videos with the towers still standing. A friend pointed them out to me… his words echoing a phrase I heard on the radio the morning they fell. Memories rushed at me. Not knowing where my husband was, my brother. Were they there? Couldn’t get a line out to either via cell. My dad called me at work and told me my brother was okay. He had taken the day off after working all weekend. Wasn’t there when it happened.
I was hours after I got home I finally heard from my husband that he was okay. And hours more before he came home. Odd how the emotions from then are still inside me running like a movie, and although I remember my anguish from then, but I feel nothing for him now. Divorce over and done with 6 months ago today. So much feeling and care dissolved into nothingness. Time changes everything… not even a tear now. Not sure I should rejoice in the numbness or fear it.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.24.2016 @ 3:53 am
I have been hoping to find someone who nourishes me. I left thinking there might be someone out there, and I have met someone… but when people are accustomed to caring for themselves… they don’t really let other people in.
As much as it bothers me that I haven’t been able to get close to anyone without hitting that border, I think that’s what I’m missing. Not having someone nourishing me. I’m talking about missing that ability to nourish myself I had back in my hell life. Self nourishment was how I survived, held on, kept from giving up until I had the strength to walk away.
Now, I have to figure out how to do that again. I can’t sit here waiting for someone to provide me with what I need. My lesson seems to be nourish myself and then I can share or exchange what I’ve ‘baked’ with someone else. Independent, sharing, caring, still us, but sharing.
Or is that just fear whispering in my head so I don’t let down my guard and let someone in again…
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.11.2016 @ 6:36 pm
I love old movies, especially black and white movies. They didn’t have the color then so they made the movie colorful by doing it really well, or took advantage of the lack of color to get cheesy effects by as best they could. I’ll watch love stories, classic mysteries, and my favorite old sci-fi flicks. I get to share them with some great friends online. Some are more special than others. I don’t always know much about the movies except that they fill some nostalgic twang in me of childhood, simpler times, and my desire to see good film without gore. New ones are super too, but there is a quality in the old fashioned show that is comfort food for the eyes and heart (calorie free).
» Posted By JDwrites On 09.30.2015 @ 2:17 pm
Control used to mean me… being under it for the advantage of someone else. I never felt it, held it, understood that it could be mine. Now, I have it. And I realized I can exercise it in a million places in my life…and it gave me a more beautiful life. I’m happier, I’m me at last. I can also give up my control at times… because it’s good to do that. But now… I choose when and to whom. Win Win.
» Posted By JDwrites On 09.26.2015 @ 5:31 am
I talk with him and I remember when I was younger… better yet, he remembers when I was younger and I remember when he was. Funny how when we speak the years drop away. Our bodies are older, our experiences for the last 30 years since we had parted extremely different, but the us we were then is still there. Lurking under the surface. Those little things that seemed so big, long gone. Misunderstandings and explanations that we wouldn’t or couldn’t listen too then expands into a deeper understanding and a few, ‘I wish had listened/asked back then…’, so many times in our convos. But it’s neat how both of us relish the wonder of the good things that have happened and wouldn’t change a thing if those special people wouldn’t be there. We both love our kids. Snippets of our lives where we lived and touched our dreams. We grew up apart, but still together as our thoughts and brief sightings and mini-visits in a grocery store or warehouse club brought it all back again to dance in our dreams of what could have been… Now, we are reconnecting on a deeper level. Intimate friends whose love for each other has never faded just grown, changed, and like wine, ripened into something unique and special. I don’t believe it’s chance we are in each others lives again right now. States away in body, never away in heart.
» Posted By JDwrites On 09.18.2015 @ 3:24 am
The American ballet of expectations. Futures we believed in and have been denied. The sitcom smiles and perfect, easy lives where the biggest issue was no rolls for dinner or a dog with muddy feet walking across the carpet. No actual struggles, no tears, no heartache, no empty crying at night because the loneliness hurts and stepping out to seek a cure is more frightening than staying. The nibbles of happiness that end with the click of a phone to plunge you into silence with reality suckling at your brain, nourishing the fears that creep in your mind while the moon slips by with a sneer of indifference. It’s script of make believe. But, I still want to believe it can all be true. Don’t you?
» Posted By JDwrites On 03.22.2015 @ 2:09 pm
You had captured my heart, my soul, my mind. My spirit danced every day with life and happiness and the wonder of life. I felt the beauty of living, being loved again, understood. I felt cherished and appreciated and special. And you took it away. A bad week here, another bad week there. Yes you want me, need me, pressure me to be at your side, month after month after month. But when I tried to step in your door, reach for your hand, embrace your words–your force field rose like a shredder ripping through soft butter. Bits of my hearts torn asunder in all directions, splattered, destroyed, carelessly flung aside. A month of suppression dealing with your false facade of fine, the silence that screamed inside my being until I felt deaf from the heart out. I offered words in gentle support, simplicity in love and respect and kindness and concern to lift you up, protect you. But you lied again and again, you pushed me away. Your confession sliced open places I thought love had laced for life. And when I swallowed my pain and embraced you anew, you did it again in selfish pride on a whim. My needs were simple, open honest communication with you. My ‘whines’ were tears born of pain because YOU had to cut me down to find a place to rest your feet that felt good to you while chastising me. My need for intimacy was rejected because the only needs that meant anything to you were your own on your timetable, your schedule, your need for release. You made me feel dirty for feeling and believing in love, in our future. The invitation to your heart was just a rubber carrot in disguise. Something, my dear, you obviously never intended to ever truly give.
» Posted By JDwrites On 01.27.2015 @ 9:20 pm
Sometimes I think I’m cursed. I find myself falling in love, opening myself up to someone, reaching for a connection. To finally connect with someone at last, it’s like a fireworks show. Brilliant and dazzling, with loud noises and pretty lights, music playing to pull it all together like a reality movie with two hearts as the stars and one of them is mine. It’s all so magical. And then I messed it all up. I shared my words and you ran. You claimed to see beauty, truth, all I wanted to convey, but whenever I actually touch you and you can feel it–you withdraw, retreat, spew with anger or envy or a violation, and go. Do you truly not understand? To write my words, capture them on paper and screen, and to have them turned away by the one I trust, the one I thought I knew, my one… To bare my heart, my fears, my joys, my thoughts, my love… and pushed away for it again, over and over again. My heart can’t fathom, my mind can’t grasp, and my love weeps in hopelessness. My eyes seek out light again, hopeful; but the rest goes into storage as you push me into detaching. My inspiration squelched and exiled even in the slightest playful spark. Again. Lost… wandering… alone again I sit. You desire constant reassurance of love’s presence, yet if your actions cannot match your words, my words and all the hope I embraced within them, serve no purpose. And neither do I within your life.
» Posted By JDwrites On 01.19.2015 @ 1:04 pm
I was flattened when I realized, I was done. It’s time to leave. When I look ahead, I realize I have no desire to see myself here in this place with him ever again. I see waste, desolation, emptiness in every part of our lives together. There is no future in emptiness, and I have no desire to even try to fill it again with hope, because we’ve been here too many times before. I begged, I pleaded, I yelled. I tried patience, tough love, tears, anger… now I’m just numb. Love flattened into a lifeless soil even the wind has no desire to carry. I’m sorry. But it is so over.
» Posted By JDwrites On 10.04.2014 @ 1:22 pm
I constantly find myself in the watchtower surrounded by them all. Trying to get a better view of the horizon, I perch up higher as if tiptoes might make the final inch even better. I’m at a loss at the moment. The view ahead was delightful, perfect, the sunlight in my day piercing the clouds and clearing the rain… then suddenly it all went still. Why? I look about and see no shred of confusion to follow back to a source. Did the pebble I absentmindedly kick off the platform imply something unintended? Was that the instigator? Did it hit the water and cause a ripple someplace it shouldn’t have? I climbed down into the rudderless boat with my compass seeking North, but the needle isn’t responding and I have no need for tricks to prompt an action. True North is my only option… and I’m not turning back now. Get your ass back in the boat!
» Posted By JDwrites On 06.13.2014 @ 10:32 pm
I thought I found the proverbial cake. One meant especially for me, made of all my dreams and hopes there and perfect. I thought that’s what was printed on the tie I selected, beautiful celebratory cakes honoring something I found with him and the future excited me. My whole world had shifted. I was pushing through my sentimental heart at last to reach for more than the performance that had swallowed up my existence to step out back into the daylight. My heart was singing. My desire to hold onto that strength–the desire allowed to function in forward because the obstacles that would pull me back were ignorant of the source of light– may have cost me all of it. Has my self-protective mind shattered the best love I have held in my arms? Wracking tears ripped at my heart in waves, calmed by the prayer to one I trust to guide us both to the truth and future we both deserve. I felt a whisper that lifted my fears one-by-one, and I am holding strong. I cannot believe the goddess would bring us together for so short a time and not allow us to fulfill this destiny together. But I know this is real, and I have to trust in the lessons presented to keep him forever. I have to keep pushing down the protective walls I built to get on the other side. They looked liked snowmen on the outside, but I know the warm and happiness I saw. And those were no illusion. Neither is he, and there are walls around him I need to climb to reach and hold him fast. When I am in his arms, his spark will be my forever heart. I can’t stop now.
» Posted By JDwrites On 06.09.2014 @ 3:56 am
I knock on his door and wait for his sultry voice from the other side. “It’s me.” The door opens and his surprised face greets me. He looks at me like I am a ghost, as if I could not possibly be before him. I step forward and he backs away. The door closes behind me, untouched. The music begins, and he steps back falling onto couch, watching me. Breathe… the music reaches, stretches, conducts my movements as I dance. The words pull all the love and smiles from my heart to lace my face, my eyes, my lips, all for him. I move slowly with the music, caressing it with my hips, my waist, my chest. My eyes pour into him… He answers my beckoning and steps up, believing I am there at last. Our hands touch, fingers entwine, and with breathless lips we kiss at last. And the truth takes us over.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.27.2014 @ 9:34 pm
I hid in the room surrounded by my artwork. It was my bastion of safety, my walls from the outside world threatening to consume me. Only hours ago, my mind was adrift in the clouds with daydreams and words and sweet hellos. To hear a smile, to feel the elation of a soft sound, that intake of breath, a barely whispered moan and let it waft over me like a spell cast upon the wind for passion… there is nothing more alive than that which can reach across miles and cast a touch from one to another in fingertips to touch once weary hearts and offer rebirth to two once trapped into a magical, bewitching freedom. That truth fights all the noise threatening to push it away, and both remains and re-emerges every time I think of you. Like now.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.23.2014 @ 12:12 am
The framework was unusual. So was the substance it was made of. The creamy white rope was stiff and strong, but smooth. It connected with barely any seams, but the patterns seemed lacelike, despite it’s enormous size. I only wondered briefly what created it, but the sticky feel along the edges of the structure increased heavily if you ran your hand along the surface. I saw them trapped in the middle, completely stuck by the milky covered goo. I knew there was little time to do what I could by the vibrations through the soles of my feet. They were coming and here was no where to hide.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.20.2014 @ 9:32 pm
A friendly get together, a reunion of family between selected generations recalling snippets of adventures past. Simple days ending in mischief and laughter whose moments were immediately recognized as seconds to relive and retell before the hand on the clock clicked forward again. There were smiles and surprises and the occasional unknown fact to ripen the tales as they slipped one by one back into the filing cabinet of what was before. The latitude of yesterday passes hours later, forcing the characters to leave the stage and return to the outside world, re-emerging with the timeline that is now.
Two sit unspeaking in the wormhole back to ‘home’, wheels turning, radio whispering, gears squeaking. Like a mural-sized poster left in the elements too long, the image that covers begins to peel away shedding the illusion in tear-drawn slivers forced by the reality of lost time. Behind the image the brick wall that should stand whole and proud lacks the mortar to bind tight. Superficial repairs only masked the damage beneath. When the weather pushed the elements against the grain, the crumbling veneer lacked the ability to fill the ravaged gaps in the clayed seams. Only the light reveals the darkness left behind by bricks long ago removed from the contractor who lost interest before the building was done.
The driver’s emptied eyes try to focus on the no passing lines ahead. She bids her mind to rest–but it can’t step away without reminding her of the time so horribly wasted by a promise he never intended to fulfill–as she traces her backtracked route for home.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.18.2014 @ 4:23 pm
I had to backtrack in my own mind. Where was I going with this, what was I doing. But I had no desire to change my course. No need too. It was too delightful to feel again, have that electric charge in my heart, my laugh, my smile surging through me when I saw his face and heard his voice. I do enough thinking and rethinking… time to just follow the feeling and rejoice in it. I’ve waited too long to feel the embrace of someone who could make me feel this alive again with his words and a smile. I don’t know how or why me, but I am grateful and content it is me.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.16.2014 @ 11:09 pm
Tomorrow he comes home, and I’ll be there at the airport to pick him up. Odd sensation to be apart for so long, and yet, I’m not a crumbling mess. Much the contrary. The last month has been an eyeopener to how comfortable I am now just being me. If I had any doubts that I could manage to live alone again, they are quite gone. The sadness I feel at it being over has surprised me, but I am happy to know I would be okay.
» Posted By JDwrites On 05.06.2014 @ 9:09 pm
My expectations were leveled before the day was out. If I had known beforehand the extent of her stress, I would have tried to drag her out to play. All isn’t lost now that the holidays are over. Without all these other things crowding her mind and time, my plan was simple. Some time to draw, create, glue, or paste. An afternoon at our favorite art studio with some wine and paint. No deadlines, no goals, no rush and just enjoy creating something just for fun. Embracing some beauty through art play to recapture oneself and reset… a favorite way to rediscover and recharge a weary heart.
» Posted By JDwrites On 12.26.2013 @ 5:15 am
Quest… Johnny Quest, cool show. An adventure, mystery, challenge, shopping trip for the perfect gift, painting experiment, art mission, book plot.
» Posted By JDwrites On 12.22.2013 @ 8:40 pm
I was derailed by yet another death. Loss always comes this time of year. It is so much harder now when one longs for union and family. I let the tears flow as needed and the rest of the time, I am an actress hiding the real me from the audience watching the stage.
» Posted By JDwrites On 12.18.2013 @ 9:32 pm
I was standing in the parking lot, watching. The old man before me looked so lost, so worn, so cold. The snow clung to him hungrily. His face was weathered and the flakes touching his face seemed to instantly vaporize as it contacted his skin like forbidden territory. His hair and blanket had no such powers of resistance providing an endless supply of places for the crystalline forest to nest and grow into a freezing carpet.
He looked up, catching my eye and responding with anger instantly. Gruff expletives spewed from his mouth, lips contorted by the cold. He abruptly left his tattered chair nestled against the garbage bin, brushing his shoulder against the peeling paint and propelling green chips into the air around him in an awkward rusty confetti. Growling, he was down the alley and swallowed by the darkness before I could utter the word “father.”
» Posted By JDwrites On 12.17.2013 @ 8:48 pm
They tumbled down from the sky in slow motion. Each flake displayed a geometric miracle of mathematics and art disguised in simple fluffs. The inquisitive eye marvels at the perfection of nature, the precision of simplicity, the elegance of a single tiny creation all boggling a seeking mind with awe in miniscule sculptures.
» Posted By JDwrites On 12.04.2013 @ 8:19 pm
I laid the flat manilla stencil on the table and continued shaking the paint can. The sound of the tiny metal ball bouncing inside the can echoed with a soft rhythm. I sprayed the shimmery multicolored glitter in sweeping strokes with the top depressed. Each swoosh left a trail of sparkling color. With the tiny windows all filled in, I lifted the stencil. A stunning jeweled butterfly lay resting on the table, satisfied and perfect.
» Posted By JDwrites On 11.29.2013 @ 9:36 pm
He gave me his biggest smile with his friendliest voice and continue selling me his lie. I wasn’t buying. It’s easy to spot a snake-oil salesman when you recognize the pattern in his body language, his false demeanor, his forked tongue. He poured it on as thick as he could spread it, boasting his superiority as the stench of crap rose to sting my eyes. I had enough. It was my turn now. His eyes bulged in shock as I pulled out the matchbook and lit the tiny stick. I flicked it into the center of his perfect pile and watched it ignite and shimmer into burnt dust–it only took seconds. ‘No one has ever turned me away before,’ he murmured. ‘I know,’ I said over my shoulder walking out the door. ‘That’s the reason why.’
» Posted By JDwrites On 11.24.2013 @ 8:23 pm
I walked down the beach looking at the creations with a sense of awe. Each sandcastle more stunning than the last. Some had food dye spray painted for effect; others shingled their turrets with shells or pebbles. One had tiny flags perched upon their towers; another, a drawbridge made from a unguarded flipflop found on the beach. When I sat down to begin, I felt their eyes upon me, heard their mocking comments, yet I held back my anger. This far up the beach such a competition seemed foolish. There was no challenge, no risk of waves reaching out for victims to pull helplessly into the hungry surf, no hope for the sand manipulations to return to their native free-flowing state anytime soon. To me it felt like sacrilege.
My hands plunged into the damp sand pile, pushing and pulling it not up, but down and across. From the fenced in square of beach, I extricated a water lizard. She was long, sleek, angled, poised for battle against the unnatural village of arrogant sand mansions littering the horizon before her. They didn’t understand my ‘entry’ and mocked me as I left the beach with them to await the decision tomorrow.
Morning came all too slowly, but I was not disappointed by the proceedings. When the investigative uniforms finally finished, they opened the gates; we flooded the path to see the carnage from the night before. They were all gone–castles, towers, mansions, moats. Only ruins remained in the fenced enclosure except for one creation. Its bloated body bordered on cartoonish, but no cartoon had ever been created of sand before that I could recall. A huge fattened sea creature, with feet and tail reminiscent of my lizard from the other end of the display zone, sat alone and motionless on the shore… the tip of an oddly familiar flip-flop sticking out from the clenched jaws of its mouth.
» Posted By JDwrites On 11.18.2013 @ 9:06 pm
I felt like a disciple drawn to follow, yet questioning if the choice is truly my free will. The thrill of having my sails unfurled offers its dangers as well as its pleasures… though contentment is a willed illusion on my part to find peace.
» Posted By JDwrites On 11.17.2013 @ 8:05 pm
A squad of questions flooded my mind. I was not sure where this was going, what avenues may offer for paths to explore. Should I even wonder at this junction of the wisdom I cannot see lurking just outside my peripheral vision and my seeking heart? No, I will not. For once I am letting the winds of change pull me into the breeze, filling my sails as I journey across the water with the wheel guiding on instinct and trust again. My ship may sink, but the journey could well be worth the adventure.
» Posted By JDwrites On 11.03.2013 @ 7:22 pm
I loved traveling on railway cross country. I had to do it at least once. It was romantic, heavenly, relaxing. Watching out the windows, listening to the sounds of the train, snippets of conversations scattered like seeds in every direction the ear could catch. Oh, how I wrote. Trying to record the moments while I could, i journal, jotted, dictated, texted in and on anything to preserve it all. When I read the words, it all comes back to me and I relive it again.
» Posted By JDwrites On 09.05.2013 @ 8:22 pm
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Every woman wants to possess it, ooze it, lit it waft from her–intrigue. That delightful curl of attraction which pulls the one she desires toward her with a passion matching her own into timeless moments where only two exist.
» Posted By JDwrites On 09.04.2013 @ 9:21 pm