Comments Posted By Ella Emma Em

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I don’t have types, but I have kryptonites, and last night I went charging forward into the wee hours, losing sleep watching a doppelganger of you. Thing is, it has nothing to do with you – I found him attractive years before you & I crossed paths. But I have to wonder what I’m getting out of it, apart from unexpected eye candy.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 09.18.2019 @ 7:51 am


Dawn feels close, but it’s still thankfully far off, the cicadas outside singing. I wish it would rain more. I wish you weren’t an ocean and a continent away. Information about you is seeping out of the ground, it seems, and I’m learning things about what you did back then that I never knew at the time. For a few days, I haven’t understood why you were silent to me and direct with everyone else. Now, I’ve received confirmation, like the gathering of clouds before a storm. It was mutual between us, and while I protected myself from you, you protected me from yourself without a word. Thank you. Come back.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 08.31.2019 @ 10:52 pm


Fed up with these boys. That’s all. Leave me to my life, or be better.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 08.22.2019 @ 10:58 am


Thirty days of distance left, and I want you to shout it to the rafters of the sky if you love me. I can’t hear you otherwise, and if I can’t hear you, I don’t believe it to be true.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 07.24.2019 @ 10:46 am


Some days it feels as if the definition of living is defending yourself from your own desires. Defending yourself, and losing the fight.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 07.20.2019 @ 5:47 pm


It’s a novel idea, reaching out to you even though you haven’t broken your short silence, but it makes me want to run like a mustang into the wilderness, never to return. It makes me wish I could rest easy remaining a stranger to your cologne for the rest of my life. But. I can’t help it, I keep thinking about sitting with you across from a pot of matcha, continuing the conversation we started in the hanging garden of glass flowers.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 07.16.2019 @ 9:32 am


One bus fare was all it took to have the magical moment of meeting you, blues playing in the street outside, the fragrance of incense thick inside, beneath all the Murano glass chandeliers and African masks, your leaf-shaped eyes on me as if looking away would be an unwelcome wake-up from a dream.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 07.10.2019 @ 10:36 am


There are parrots in my city, and there were parrots in the palm trees in Rome. I promised I’d show you if you ever showed up here, and I’m afraid you’ll surprise me by arriving out of the blue, and soon. Sometimes I feel I love you, sometimes I want to join the parrots’ emerald flocks.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 06.26.2019 @ 9:26 am


Bags under my eyes after a reunion night with you, you burning and shivering in bed next to me while I didn’t get a wink of sleep. This week, I’m wearing my warmest jacket and carrying raw ginger with me in anticipation of the sickness you had sinking into my cells. The premonition of a heavy head.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.26.2019 @ 12:02 pm


Your parents are hosting you at home. If your life was further along, then it wouldn’t matter, it would be just another place to lay your head, albeit with all the endowed significance of a childhood spent there. But you’re still under their influence. It has been a long time since someone who wanted to be the other half of me was still under the influence of their parents to that degree. Perhaps that’s why I had a coronary when your mother walked into your room, out of nowhere, and asked point-blank if it was me. The other half of you. She called me the wrong name, but she knew it was me. Tell me, honey, how’d she know?

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.23.2019 @ 1:02 pm


You and me, feet planted in the sand, seaside. You think we’re facing the Atlantic. I think we’re facing the Pacific. I had this dream, you see, of all these ocean cliff towns with near-horizontal cypress trees. In the town square of one, my med school friends and I talked about tools in our white coats, and Marlon Brando came down from an upper window to ask after our gossip (boys, dresses?) “We’re comparing stethoscopes,” I said, matter-of-fact.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.14.2019 @ 8:15 am


I don’t know why I invest in you, over and over, when a life together is logistically impossible. You think we already have that life together, even though we have to pretend in public that we don’t spend our lives on our phones talking at odd hours, and we share a bed. I think we never will be together.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.12.2019 @ 1:53 pm


My clothes haven’t been washed and thrown into the dryer for a while, thanks to everything that’s been going on – and you haven’t been helpful in keeping my clothes fresh, coaxing me onto the couch when I’m supposed to be working and attempting to pull my tights down over my hips. “Your body is telling me different things from what you’re telling me,” you said. “Which part should I listen to?” “My mouth,” I said. You tell me I’m lying to myself about what I want. No, honey, I’m not – what I want is another boy, but I can’t have him, and I can have you. So here we are, sunset over the top of the vinyl sofa.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 02.28.2019 @ 2:26 pm


You’re logistically inappropriate for me, but I can’t say I’m not tempted. The nineteen-year-old that exists somewhere in the past of myself thrills to you. If only our timelines were the same, you would be my best friend, an early love. Our conversation comes straight out of adrenaline, undeniable.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 02.24.2019 @ 10:33 am


I hope you know that you pulled the rug out from under me when you disappeared on the wind. I am a disappearer too, so I know what it’s like to do that to others, and I don’t blame you. But I don’t want you to believe even for a moment in the empty future that your disappearance didn’t upend something in me, because it did. If I had known that night that I’d never see you again, I would’ve pulled you into the cab with me, and taken you home for the first time…

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.19.2019 @ 6:16 pm


What we are is muddy to other people and clear to me. Clearer than the sky on the day we stared out at the cross-hatched, hypnotic, calm Bay water, your sweaty hand cold in mine. When we kissed, there was no sensation, no feeling, but that numbness doesn’t eliminate all other feelings.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.12.2019 @ 8:19 pm


One day soon, I hope, you’ll be invited to the town where I spend my days working, and you’ll come to work with me. Afterwards, we’ll go eat somewhere not-so-great away from anyone else who might want to join us, and you’ll bring me back to your hotel room for a nightcap, to listen to a cassette of Bowie you made in your youth on a tape player you always carry with you. Written across the cassette in black Sharpie: “Mad Love.”

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.07.2019 @ 4:07 pm


There were ornaments of fairies suspended from the antlers of the stag head mounted to the wall. Fairies that cast little spells in your middle-of-the-desert writer’s room, cast spells to flood it. I hope I haven’t seen the last of you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.26.2018 @ 11:31 am


Rumi is your go-to seduction technique – the wine of love, all that, and I sometimes wonder what Rumi would think of being used as a tool to seduce, what he would think of his translated lines being printed on calendars with sunsets and circulated as “inspiration” on social media. Last night, at the head of the Christmas table, I pictured you on the other end, all the comedic chaos that would be caused by your presence alone, regardless of your intelligence and your resume and your orderly behavior. I thought, “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.24.2018 @ 12:06 pm


I wasn’t banking on being angry after I got back. I wasn’t banking on my mother encouraging me to get you little gifts, to get together when you’re in the city. “I don’t want to encourage him,” I snapped at her in a museum gift store, and she said encouragement was explicit, this didn’t count. What she doesn’t know even though I told her multiple times is that you take implicit encouragement from every little thing.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.19.2018 @ 4:49 pm


It’s tempting to harm you for the sake of punishment. It feels impossible to punish you for the hurt I feel, because no amount of breaking your glasses on your face or drowning you in my bathtub will equal the pain you put me through over the last two weeks.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.18.2018 @ 9:12 am


Your jazz saxophone rules my heartstrings. Always has, always will. Your improvisations echo through the forests I dream of, notes ascending to the castle above.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.16.2018 @ 4:19 pm


There’s the occasional hour when I stop not-wanting you and I consider saying yes just because you’re present. But the truth is, I never want you to convince me. I never want to give in. What I really want –

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.13.2018 @ 9:54 am


You’re still an espresso obsessive. You’re not the only person in the world who’s this way, but you do know all of the others. You can count them on one hand. We should live together, you say.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.09.2018 @ 1:07 pm


We were young but we were the builders of paradise. With our own sinew and sweat, we set the cornerstones that all our other loves must kiss.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.08.2018 @ 4:58 pm


C’mon, it’ll be fun. Come here for a few days, to this hill-less place where it’s impossible to walk from your house to the grocery store. Come here, where we’ll take you out to a not-that-great restaurant after all the work is done. Come here, and let’s see if we can steal a couple hours alone, after more than a year of being unable to hold a conversation.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.05.2018 @ 7:46 am


Where you think there’s a field, a piece of ground, there’s an iceberg. An iceberg that could sink a thousand ships.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.02.2018 @ 11:08 am


I should take this barrier that is making it hard to do my work, turn it on its side, and stand it between you and I. It’s tempting to answer your lines with lines, but I have work to do, and I can’t waste my time on you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.01.2018 @ 10:42 am


Thinking about you at the corner of midnight. Standing at the intersection when I should be asleep.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.27.2018 @ 10:06 pm


Threw your jab at me. You missed. Your jab landed in the sink. I ended up telling him what you said, as a secret, and I’d never told him a secret before. He was the most solid of the shadows in the night, blowing smoke over his shoulder politely, totally beautiful.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.14.2018 @ 7:43 am

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