Comments Posted By Ella Emma Em

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seaside

You and me, feet planted in the sand, seaside. You think we’re facing the Atlantic. I think we’re facing the Pacific. I had this dream, you see, of all these ocean cliff towns with near-horizontal cypress trees. In the town square of one, my med school friends and I talked about tools in our white coats, and Marlon Brando came down from an upper window to ask after our gossip (boys, dresses?) “We’re comparing stethoscopes,” I said, matter-of-fact.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.14.2019 @ 8:15 am

invest

I don’t know why I invest in you, over and over, when a life together is logistically impossible. You think we already have that life together, even though we have to pretend in public that we don’t spend our lives on our phones talking at odd hours, and we share a bed. I think we never will be together.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.12.2019 @ 1:53 pm

dryer

My clothes haven’t been washed and thrown into the dryer for a while, thanks to everything that’s been going on – and you haven’t been helpful in keeping my clothes fresh, coaxing me onto the couch when I’m supposed to be working and attempting to pull my tights down over my hips. “Your body is telling me different things from what you’re telling me,” you said. “Which part should I listen to?” “My mouth,” I said. You tell me I’m lying to myself about what I want. No, honey, I’m not – what I want is another boy, but I can’t have him, and I can have you. So here we are, sunset over the top of the vinyl sofa.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 02.28.2019 @ 2:26 pm

tempted

You’re logistically inappropriate for me, but I can’t say I’m not tempted. The nineteen-year-old that exists somewhere in the past of myself thrills to you. If only our timelines were the same, you would be my best friend, an early love. Our conversation comes straight out of adrenaline, undeniable.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 02.24.2019 @ 10:33 am

rug

I hope you know that you pulled the rug out from under me when you disappeared on the wind. I am a disappearer too, so I know what it’s like to do that to others, and I don’t blame you. But I don’t want you to believe even for a moment in the empty future that your disappearance didn’t upend something in me, because it did. If I had known that night that I’d never see you again, I would’ve pulled you into the cab with me, and taken you home for the first time…

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.19.2019 @ 6:16 pm

muddy

What we are is muddy to other people and clear to me. Clearer than the sky on the day we stared out at the cross-hatched, hypnotic, calm Bay water, your sweaty hand cold in mine. When we kissed, there was no sensation, no feeling, but that numbness doesn’t eliminate all other feelings.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.12.2019 @ 8:19 pm

cassette

One day soon, I hope, you’ll be invited to the town where I spend my days working, and you’ll come to work with me. Afterwards, we’ll go eat somewhere not-so-great away from anyone else who might want to join us, and you’ll bring me back to your hotel room for a nightcap, to listen to a cassette of Bowie you made in your youth on a tape player you always carry with you. Written across the cassette in black Sharpie: “Mad Love.”

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 01.07.2019 @ 4:07 pm

ornament

There were ornaments of fairies suspended from the antlers of the stag head mounted to the wall. Fairies that cast little spells in your middle-of-the-desert writer’s room, cast spells to flood it. I hope I haven’t seen the last of you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.26.2018 @ 11:31 am

wine

Rumi is your go-to seduction technique – the wine of love, all that, and I sometimes wonder what Rumi would think of being used as a tool to seduce, what he would think of his translated lines being printed on calendars with sunsets and circulated as “inspiration” on social media. Last night, at the head of the Christmas table, I pictured you on the other end, all the comedic chaos that would be caused by your presence alone, regardless of your intelligence and your resume and your orderly behavior. I thought, “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.24.2018 @ 12:06 pm

banking

I wasn’t banking on being angry after I got back. I wasn’t banking on my mother encouraging me to get you little gifts, to get together when you’re in the city. “I don’t want to encourage him,” I snapped at her in a museum gift store, and she said encouragement was explicit, this didn’t count. What she doesn’t know even though I told her multiple times is that you take implicit encouragement from every little thing.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.19.2018 @ 4:49 pm

harm

It’s tempting to harm you for the sake of punishment. It feels impossible to punish you for the hurt I feel, because no amount of breaking your glasses on your face or drowning you in my bathtub will equal the pain you put me through over the last two weeks.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.18.2018 @ 9:12 am

jazz

Your jazz saxophone rules my heartstrings. Always has, always will. Your improvisations echo through the forests I dream of, notes ascending to the castle above.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.16.2018 @ 4:19 pm

occasional

There’s the occasional hour when I stop not-wanting you and I consider saying yes just because you’re present. But the truth is, I never want you to convince me. I never want to give in. What I really want –

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.13.2018 @ 9:54 am

espresso

You’re still an espresso obsessive. You’re not the only person in the world who’s this way, but you do know all of the others. You can count them on one hand. We should live together, you say.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.09.2018 @ 1:07 pm

builders

We were young but we were the builders of paradise. With our own sinew and sweat, we set the cornerstones that all our other loves must kiss.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.08.2018 @ 4:58 pm

fun

C’mon, it’ll be fun. Come here for a few days, to this hill-less place where it’s impossible to walk from your house to the grocery store. Come here, where we’ll take you out to a not-that-great restaurant after all the work is done. Come here, and let’s see if we can steal a couple hours alone, after more than a year of being unable to hold a conversation.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.05.2018 @ 7:46 am

iceberg

Where you think there’s a field, a piece of ground, there’s an iceberg. An iceberg that could sink a thousand ships.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.02.2018 @ 11:08 am

barrier

I should take this barrier that is making it hard to do my work, turn it on its side, and stand it between you and I. It’s tempting to answer your lines with lines, but I have work to do, and I can’t waste my time on you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 12.01.2018 @ 10:42 am

corners

Thinking about you at the corner of midnight. Standing at the intersection when I should be asleep.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.27.2018 @ 10:06 pm

missed

Threw your jab at me. You missed. Your jab landed in the sink. I ended up telling him what you said, as a secret, and I’d never told him a secret before. He was the most solid of the shadows in the night, blowing smoke over his shoulder politely, totally beautiful.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.14.2018 @ 7:43 am

nightlight

You think I sleep with a nightlight and I don’t wear anything but white just because I didn’t turn my head to kiss you when you wanted me to. You will never know the truth.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.09.2018 @ 10:26 pm

motel

Honey, it has been a long time since I wrote you that fantasy, us in a seedy, neon motel somewhere up where there’s only ice and mountains and pines. You’re still in the same place. I’m not. I’m not, and I discovered that before I wrote that fantasy to you, I wrote it somewhere else.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.08.2018 @ 7:27 am

logical

I create logical universes and live in an illogical one. You haven’t left yet and I haven’t not come in, but I already miss you, and I wonder if you’ll miss me when I’m not in the house.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 09.20.2018 @ 8:32 pm

heatwave

The last time I saw you was in a heatwave. You found me sitting at the red metal table, which felt like a plugged-in iron. We spent all these hours together in the middle of a weekday. Sometimes I worry it will never happen again.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 07.08.2018 @ 12:58 pm

spotlight

Awkward in a spotlight on her front porch. The jasmine-scented smoke from your pipe hanging over us. One at a time, we passed through two front doors, beveled glass. You let me walk ahead of you. You treat me different, but you don’t treat me like her. You throw tangerine peels at her. You know that I know.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.22.2018 @ 9:59 pm

baggage

I could love you easily if your baggage was the kind that could be left on the spinning conveyer belt of the claim. Grin your crinkly grin at me and say it ain’t so.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 03.18.2018 @ 2:48 pm

thieves

Let’s be thieves, honey, and steal ourselves from our obligations. Come and live in my bathtub.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.15.2017 @ 7:32 pm

history

I miss you, and yet we have no history. Just abrupt moments connected by highways of fantasy. In The Church late at night, in tears. In my city, amongst books, in the sun, on the streets I dreamed you in. Now I miss you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.12.2017 @ 6:41 pm

projector

If I had a projector that could materialize you here, I would never turn it off. If only it could take us to my city, on a foggy day, on a steep street –

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 11.04.2017 @ 8:55 am

tempting

You’re tempting to me. With your sharp chin and your pointy nose. With your cro magnon brow and round figure. With your significant others. I don’t want you to tempt me. I hate wanting you.

» Posted By Ella Emma Em On 10.05.2017 @ 7:45 am

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