Comments Posted By Catori

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malice

i know that it’s the right thing for both of us and that neither of us is in a position to be in a relationship right now but i’m so broken up about it–broken up. ha. anyway, malice. there’s no malice behind any of it, but it doesn’t help to make me feel any less alone. i don’t belong to anyone, my heart is heavy as an oil drum.

» Posted By Catori On 12.05.2017 @ 7:38 pm

melting

There is an hour and a half left until my birthday. It’s 10:34pm, so I won’t actually turn 19 until 2:07am. I still have three hours or so. 18 is just melting away. I’ve really liked being 18. I did a lot of stuff. Checked off a lot of things. I deserve good things. I think I like myself after all.

» Posted By Catori On 03.25.2017 @ 7:35 pm

executives

The executives, in their grey suits and white collared shirts, sat in a row along the table facing me. I knew my days were numbered, but there was no need for this disgusting irony. That I should sit in rags while they sat in silk was an intolerable injustice, and for that, I will not go down without a fight.

» Posted By Catori On 01.28.2017 @ 6:25 pm

intimidate

I read this as intimate, so that’s what I’m going to write about. I think I have problems with intimacy. I think I get way too attached way too early, or I just don’t get attached at all. I want what I can’t have, and I want everyone to love me and want me. I think it’s a problem.

» Posted By Catori On 01.19.2017 @ 8:05 am

mermaid

I heard someone say once “but hey if you don’t have a thigh gap, that means you’re that much closer to being a mermaid!” and I laughed, because that’s such a nice way of looking at it, and then I continued to starve myself for the rest of the day.

» Posted By Catori On 12.11.2016 @ 4:31 pm

freeze

sometimes even when it’s warm my fingers are cold. i came up with a cool phrase AND NO YOU CAN’T USE IT IT’S MINE which is “as blue as chilly fingers.” i always write down nice neat little phrases i think of. i have a looooong note on my phone that’s so long that sometimes when i try to scroll all the way through and read the whole thing my phone freezes up AND I BROUGHT IT FULL CIRCLE HELL YEAH

» Posted By Catori On 11.28.2016 @ 4:42 pm

stagnation

I often feel that sense of stillness creep in not when I’m alone, but when I’m with someone I like very much. I begin to worry that things have become too steady. I’ve always been scared of permanence. I worry that I’m trapped in a situation because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

» Posted By Catori On 11.14.2016 @ 8:33 am

hollow

The memories are just memories now. I’m listening to the short recording of us singing our duet– it was only a few months ago. Three, maybe four. But it’s so far gone now. I can so clearly remember the day we made this recording, but now the perfect notes, though they still go together, ring hollow for me.

» Posted By Catori On 09.03.2016 @ 5:13 pm

elevator

The doors slid closed and my smile spread. Score one for me this time.

» Posted By Catori On 12.30.2013 @ 3:26 pm

beforehand

My life is broken into three sections: the Before, the During, and the After.
In the Before, I was slowly losing hope. I was in pain. But I was also oddly innocent.
In the During, I was blissful. I was incredulous. I was happier than I have ever been.
Now, in the After, I have lost hope. I am constantly in pain. I am no longer innocent.
I sometimes wonder if the During shouldn’t have happened at all, because in the Before, this pain wasn’t so very final as it is now.

» Posted By Catori On 12.25.2013 @ 2:17 pm

leveled

The land here used to be peaked an valleyed. Not on its own, but there were such buildings here. There were tall and teetering victorians, square and squat convenience stores, and people, people, people! People who smiled, people who were angry, people who hit each other and waited on each other and held each others’ hands as they crossed the street! There used to be life here! A big, thriving, network of minds and ideas and scenery!
Now it’s been leveled.
And tell me how lively this shopping mall will be. Tell me how many people will have lived with their grandmother into her old age in this store. Tell me how many neighbors were disgusted and maybe a little jealous to hear people making love in this shop. You can’t because this is nothing but airspace where a memory used to stand.

» Posted By Catori On 12.24.2013 @ 9:44 am

border

From earliest childhood, society builds walls and specific guides for where we are supposed to go. Then they tell us to draw outside the lines, think outside the box, shit like that. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. It’s confusing, especially coming from childhood into adulthood.

» Posted By Catori On 11.05.2013 @ 12:29 pm

stamped

My heart is like a blank page that’s been written on many times in pencil, and then lots of things have been erased. You can see the faint outlines of where the words used to be written, the deeper the remaining indents, the darker the words had been written, the more effort it had taken to erase them. For some reason, I can’t erase your name. I keep trying… Did you use PEN? Dude, I TOLD you to use pencil, only I get to use pen! Only my family is in pen, why would you DO this? Oh god, I can’t be mad at you. I do love your handwriting, and the way the curves of the letters in your name look make me smile for reasons I can’t explain. I just… Wait! Where are you going? No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no you can’t leave you can’t leave you can’t leave, you used PEN! I can’t take this OFF PLEASE COME BACK OH MY GOD

Am I… stuck with this now? Alone with my torn paper heart, with the ink shaping your name running from my tears? How could you do this? How can I do this without you?

» Posted By Catori On 10.14.2013 @ 4:52 pm

simplify

We live in such a full world, such a busy, loud, happening world. We need to take a moment and just look around. We need to calm. We need o rest. We need to simplify.

» Posted By Catori On 05.08.2013 @ 2:19 pm

branch

“Too far out on the limb,” she thinks. “He’s going to fall…” But he doesn’t. Teetering on the end of the branch, he takes one more step, out into empty air, and stands there, motionless, nothing but the soles of his shoes and eleven feet of space between him and the rocky sand. “It’s all about believing,” he murmurs almost to himself, smiling a little. he takes another step, and another, swaying from side to side and placing his feet carefully, as though on a highwire. Further out he walks, and faster, until he seems almost to be dancing along an invisible line, drawn out from the end of the treebranch towards the gentle lapping of the grey ocean. He keeps spinning onwards, upwards now too, until he is so far out above the sea that she can’t bear it anymore. Tears begin to stream down her face. “Come back!” she shouts fruitlessly, hough she knows he can’t hear her. He’s too far away for her to reach now, and he’s lost all notion of anything but the air around him… as she knew he would.

» Posted By Catori On 04.12.2013 @ 3:18 pm

weathered

The house was old, as it was apparent from the outside. The roof tiles were falling in, the weathered wrought iron gate leered at passersby… and yet whomever looked at the house got the feeling that someone lived there… it didn’t feel empty. An if it did, it was only waiting for someone to get back.

» Posted By Catori On 02.20.2013 @ 1:31 pm

flat

The ground goes on flat for miles. You could see anything that was on the horizon… if there ever was anything, which there never is. This is what a desert with no wind is like… flat, hot, endless. Endless. the whole world, we sometimes think, must be this windless desert. BUt where would the water in the ground come from then? It never rains… we walk on.

» Posted By Catori On 02.13.2013 @ 1:33 pm

claims

It’s always hard to wake up after an amazing dream about someone, to see them and know that whatever claims they made in your sleep aren’t real, whatever kisses they gave you are your memories alone. It’s so hard to see them and not rush up and wrap your arms around them like you’ll never let go. I miss you when you’re here…

» Posted By Catori On 02.06.2013 @ 1:55 pm

musical

It’s about how I feel like I can never be tied down again. It’s about how I feel that I’m finally set free from anything keeping me anywhere. It’s about how everyone feels something, whether they be blind, deaf, black, white, gay, straight, man, woman, or child. Everyone has a common language– music.

» Posted By Catori On 01.23.2013 @ 1:47 pm

simple

It seems so simple to me… I can plan it all out in my head– what I’ll say, and how you’ll respond. I can hear your laughter and your foot tapping on the floor to some song in your head. I can feel your gaze as you watch me smile at someone else. It’s so simple in my head…

» Posted By Catori On 12.05.2012 @ 1:09 pm

since

Ever since the summer, I’ve been more… myself. Less afraid to be who I am, less reserved. I’ve just let it all go and accepted who I am. Become comfortable in my own skin. Since the summer.

» Posted By Catori On 10.14.2012 @ 9:06 am

gone

One minute, she was sitting beside me in the sun on a park bench, and the next, she wasn’t. I looked away, towards the lemonade stand, and when I looked back, she had gone. She was nowhere to be found; not behind a tree, not on a bus, not back in the library. And I never saw her again.

» Posted By Catori On 10.13.2012 @ 8:47 am

wet

It’s nighttime, and clear. My feet are wet from running in the grass, and I’m laughing at something he said, his words still floating in the air behind us. He’s trying to catch me, hand grasping at empty air as he just misses the back of my shirt. The warm summer air is filled with the noises of the crickets, and the fluttering lights of the lightning bugs. I run a little faster, get a little further out of his reach, and swing around so that he just stops himself before bumping into me. I put my hand on his shoulder, panting, and leaning over a little to clutch the stitch in my side. He holds my hand there, laughing and panting, and if we look up, we would see the stars smiling their warm light down at us.

» Posted By Catori On 10.11.2012 @ 5:08 pm

fresh

I remember when I had first started at this school; I was a fresh face, a new spirit added to this jumbled collection of souls, and I disrupted the social order. i was friends with the superficial populars, and the quiet outcasts as well. through me, they learned to get along.

» Posted By Catori On 10.10.2012 @ 1:26 pm

dominant

The recessive genes can lie in wait for a long time, so that three generations of petite brown-haired-blue-eyes beauties will suddenly produce a green-eyed blonde giant. The world works in very odd ways.

» Posted By Catori On 10.09.2012 @ 6:25 pm

happy

Happy… laughter bubbling up from deep inside my diaphragm, eyes crinkling into slits, holding a comrade’s shoulder for support. I wish I could go back to that night, and tell you what was going to happen in the morning. I wish I’d enjoyed it as well as I should’ve. I wish I’d stopped you from going away.

» Posted By Catori On 10.07.2012 @ 4:17 pm

walls

The day the walls fell was the day my brother died. He was my twin brother. He said to me “Harlem, I’m going to kick some bad guy butt. You just gotta promise not to miss me, ’cause I’m doing it from heaven.” He had been ill for months, but he was worse that day. My parents were out, fighting for the wall, though they knew they would fail. Parliament had beed feverish. He had been delirious. But now, on his deathbed, he was clear. He had no sign of sickness, except for the sour aura that comes with illness. I thought I would get sick, because we were twins. After all, we always did everything together, Harlem and Parliament, “conjoined” twins. But we weren’t conjoined. So it was only Parliament that died, at the instant the walls fell. When the gargantuain boom of the tons and tons of rocks falling made it’s way to my ears, Parliament was already dead. He was still warm. What I didn’t know was that my parents had also died, the rock falling on their bodies, crushing them, never to be found again. I had wished I had died that day. Hoped the enemy armies on their huge horses would spear me on one of their javelins. but no such luck. Now, three years later, here I am. A 12 year old Harlem on the rigging of a huge galleon. On the sea that was once my town. Because what I didn’t know at age nine, was that the boom was water. The wall had been keeping out the ocean that encased the entire rest off the world, and the enemy had been time. I had never had a chance, and Parliament an even slimmer next-to-nothing. So now I’m a ship’s boy on a world of water.

» Posted By Catori On 10.04.2012 @ 3:23 pm

various

Various strands of thought sometimes cross through my head that don’t belong there. A phrase, a memory, that aren’t connected to what I’m thinking about. I’ll suddenly say aloud “Sarajevo the Mighty”, as if reading off a poster, and I’ll not know where that came from. I know why, though, when I’m looking at him, a phrase comes into my head that wasn’t there before. A silent phrase that will probably never be voiced. An “I love you”.

» Posted By Catori On 10.03.2012 @ 1:10 pm

signs

I guess I should have seen the signs; how my heartbeat sped up when he came into view, how I blushed constantly in his presence, how my laugh turned into an embarrassingly high pitched giggle when he made a joke. I was in it deep, and loving it. He seemed interested, too, and it was a surprise to me when, one day, in the rain, I saw him kissing another girl, and my heart broke. He’d never said anything to me about us being an ‘us’… there was no WAY we were an ‘us’… but I had no idea my heart had been taken, until it was handed back to me shattered, on an afternoon when I had to walk home alone in the rain.

» Posted By Catori On 10.01.2012 @ 6:12 pm

fawn

In the forest, it’s dark. Not bad dark, just dark. The leaves and pine needles block out most of the light, and what does filter through is a muted green. In the winter, it’s green-grey. Cold, and soft. In the spring, the deer come out to snuffle at the ground, and their young come from the bushes and play.

» Posted By Catori On 09.29.2012 @ 2:23 pm

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