Comments Posted By Ashley Flowers
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When my world gets too hard, I retreat to my world of fiction. I write stories about girls with terrible lives who are saved by lovely boys and kindhearted friends and family that notices when the girls have cried themselves to sleep. When reality breaks me down, shows me how wrong I am, I relinquish my grip on it and paint a better world with my pen, describe the things that would make my life better. When I’ve been broken down by lovely boys, forgotten by kindhearted friends, and gone unnoticed by my family, I create a new girl who gets everything I never have, and long to trade places with someone whose truly got greener grass on the other side.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 01.05.2011 @ 11:07 pm
“I’ve never told anybody that before.”
“I love you” and “I need you” are supposed to mean so much, but those six words, that one phrase that he turned to me and announced were what really spun my world around. It was as though I had been staring at my window when suddenly somebody opened it up. He stood outside my window, held his hand out to me, and promised to tell of things that he had never told before. I didn’t have to say anything in return, but for someone who loves the sound of silence, I was suddenly longing to use my voice as well.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 01.04.2011 @ 5:42 pm
Notice me, notice you. Too often I go unnoticed, too often you don’t. What is it that I’m lacking? Why is it that someone like you makes the fact that I’m missing out so painfully obvious? I used to think going unnoticed was the best way to go, but you made me change my mind. I don’t want to be another face in the crowd. But I’ve spent sixteen years perfecting the art of blending in; it’s too late to change.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 01.03.2011 @ 2:16 am
I am being held as I cry, only it is not being held by anyone I can see in full. I can see their hands wrapping around my arms and chafing up and down to keep me warm, and I can see their feet sticking out under the covers, shivering slightly. I can see the brown hair whipping around my face, but I can’t see any other indicator.
That is how I know that it is me, holding onto myself. It was me holding to the entire world, it was me chafing my arms to keep warm and sticking out my cold feet and shaking my hair around my face. This is how I know that it will always be just me, and this is how I know that I am the only one who can ever take care of myself. Nobody hears me crying, nobody sees me crying. Only I can feel it, and I try to stop it. I am there for myself, but I am the only one who has ever been there at all.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 11.21.2008 @ 6:37 am
I want to drive a red convertible, with the top always down, driving fast towards the summer sun with alternative music (the killers?) blaring. I want to be the girl with the handsome boyfriend and the pretty face and the good friends, and I want to drive to a beach and strip down to my bikini and dive into the water without being afraid it’ll get lodged up my nose, and without being afraid it’ll burn my eyes. I want it all, and at the same time I want to be here, at home, doing what I love most- writing. I can’t have both, but I can have it all, if I want.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 11.12.2008 @ 9:25 pm
Cows signify everything that went wrong in my life to me. That one moment where he said, “Matthew married Stephanie,” I could feel everything crashing down. It was like watching your favorite restaurant putting a for sale sign up- you feel this sinking feeling in your gut. It was reminiscent of when I found out that cosmoGIRL was ending with it’s December 2008 issue, which may come as news to some of you.
But it didn’t stop there. “And they had a child named…Gaylord Focker!” Despite the amusing thoughts of Matthew having a child named Gaylord Focker, the thought of him with any girl besides me was so lung crushing that I thought I was going to cry right there, sitting on a cold bench outside of Matthew’s house watching him sit in the trunk of his car while BJ attempted to tackle my best friend to the floor while she played baseball and Marissa laughed every time somebody cursed.
Then, it just continued. “What would I name my cow?” “Moo focker!” And I didn’t laugh. It was hilarious- a you had to be there moment for everyone who isn’t laughing right now- but I didn’t laugh. I didn’t laugh because the only thing I could process was Stephanie, and how I hated and envied that girl more than any teenage girl is capable of hating and envying another girl, and even if Matthew doesn’t like her and BJ was just messing with us when he said that- it kills me. And now, thanks to that moment, I can’t look at those cows I always drive by on my way home without sniffing a little.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 11.08.2008 @ 8:27 pm
There is no evidence left on the floor as I drag his lifeless body back into the cellar. I pull it out every week, daring poice to come busting into my house. I want them to come, I want them to see him.
I want to bring him back. I want him to e with me now more than ever.
But isn’t it true what they say? Dead men tell no tales. I’m getting used to how quiet he is now, and I’m starting to like the quiet.
The loudness is why it’s quiet now, anyways.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 09.29.2008 @ 4:29 pm
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I am standing in between two major decisions, and I have no idea what I am going to do with either of them.
I have my dignity on one side. I have the life ahead of me that could be. I have the possbility of going to college, and the possibility of becoming a mother and raising a family and being a successful pyschologist.
And then on the other side, I have him, grinning at me so angelically it’s crazy. I don’t want him to be there, and I don’t want him to care about me. I want him to be everything to me, but unfortunately, wanting him is risking everything I have.
And so I walk away, and I’m proud.
» Posted By Ashley Flowers On 09.22.2008 @ 6:11 pm