Comments Posted By Andelia

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respectable

It’s not respectable to cry. But right now my lashes are standing out, thick with tears and my eyes are a deep green. My aunt recently killed herself. That’s not respectable. My mom likes to blame me for everything, I’m not respectable. I’m stupid and small and I sometimes want to drown myself in the bathtub. A very non-respectable way of dying.

But tomorrow I’ll pretend to be respectable again and maybe things will be better.

» Posted By Andelia On 01.08.2011 @ 3:04 pm

discover

It’s not my fault. I was never looking for it. But there, hidden under ONE layer of folders, all of which had names appealing to me, was the file. I clicked on it, because it had a present on it for an image. And inside I found it. My father was gay. I was six and my dad was, without a doubt, very, VERY gay.

» Posted By Andelia On 01.06.2011 @ 11:47 am

fiction

It’s not true. Half the things I say. Half of them are all made up in order to sound like I live an interesting life. And maybe I do, but I twist the interesting to make it even more dramatic. I have a flair for the fantastic. My last boyfriend called me a fanatic for the freakish,

» Posted By Andelia On 01.05.2011 @ 8:30 pm

phrase

I heard this phrase, “A different breed of cat.” i didn’t quite know what it meant, but I really enjoyed the ring to it. So I googled it, hoping to find out the meaning I had already thought it could be. But when you google it, all you get is pet breeding sites and zoology websites.

» Posted By Andelia On 01.04.2011 @ 2:17 pm

success

I finally found success in my life. Join the Navy. check. Find a boy friend, check. Enjoy myself…

But then I realize that success isn’t about the status you hold and the things you have. It’s about how you feel about your life. I suppose I’m heading there, and I’m becoming happy… but I get confused sometimes.

» Posted By Andelia On 01.03.2011 @ 9:17 pm

notice

He never noticed me when I was around. No, the only time I was on his mind was when he was bored. A call, a few laughs, and I was in his arms, in his house. In his bed. I never understood it until he broke my body. I never understood until he didn’t give me a choice. Now I get people like him only too well.

» Posted By Andelia On 01.02.2011 @ 12:05 pm

route

I’m running the same route, but nothing ever feels right. I keep going, always going, like that little pink rabbit. I beat my drum and run to the same beat always. But nothing ever works out for me. I always want to change, but I see her, I see how she can’t change and I wonder if that will be me. All my life, will I always be the same?

» Posted By Andelia On 01.01.2011 @ 1:29 pm

library

I had my best kiss in the library. He was an intern, working for little pay and no one was around. A few sharp words were exchanged and I followed him further into the stacks to explain how he was wrong on the topic. He grabbed me. Anger and fear, at first, then passion. It was incredible.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.31.2010 @ 11:43 pm

split

My mind is several pieces, all floating around while I think. Sometimes I wonder if I’m another person. Sometimes I know I am. I change and my mind splits. I am two and counting, but no one knows but me.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.30.2010 @ 2:36 pm

tarnished

He leaves me on a shelf. Leaves me behind the glass, behind the vintage china. Sometimes he takes me out, remembers the days in the past, but he always puts me back because I am tarnished-just the way he left me. I am tarnished from disuse and I am worn from misuse and now I am tired, here, behind the vintage china on the wooden shelf. Shh, leave me here, for I am a distant memory of times in the past, never to be returned to my former radiance.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.28.2010 @ 12:07 pm

paperclips

I bend them, shape them as my mind fancies and my fingers obey. Sometimes I don’t like the new form, so I attempt to fix it, but that never works. Once something is bent to a point, it can never truly be bent back into place. But usually I find the new form when I try to bend it back is the best form for it.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.23.2010 @ 8:52 am

typewriter

I used to have an old typewriter. Click clack click clack, tiii. It was broken. Always halted me from typing the “e” key. Which kind of makes it really look stupid. Once I used the typewriter to type a paper for school, and I wrote in each “e” because my computer was broken. The teacher commented on it at the end, but I still got the “A+”!

» Posted By Andelia On 12.19.2010 @ 8:48 am

boa

I got a boa constrictor named Jack. He likes to wrap himself around my arm, which my mom tells me is incredibly dangerous. It probably is. He might kill me someday. Sometimes I wonder about him when he squeezes my arm a little too tight. But I’m sure it’ll be fine. If not…ARGGH!

» Posted By Andelia On 12.17.2010 @ 6:29 pm

sheets

I don’t use sheets. I don’t like the feel of them when I’m trying to enjoy my time in bed. They make me feel scratchy and weird and it’s just an all around unpleasant time. Of course, clothes and any sort of covering makes me uncomfortable, but I handle that feeling during the day. Night’s my time and I go au naturale.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.14.2010 @ 2:32 pm

stamps

He stamps people with labels. Smart, pretty, uglier than a coo in heat (I don’t get it either, but he’s been stamped with “hick” by me already). He puts me in this box, this easy to cheat off of and cheat on and use up and slap out and feel up and snuff out. Then I realize I’m not any of those things and I hate him being in my life. So how to get him out?

» Posted By Andelia On 12.13.2010 @ 5:51 pm

temper

I have a poor temper when it involves people I care about, or respect. Or when it involves people who are rude and acting like dumbasses. Those people… I just lose myself sometimes and honestly don’t know what to do with them.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.12.2010 @ 12:46 pm

possibility

I believe in endless possibilities. But I know not everyone reaches for them. That’s the reason that some people don’t succeed. They don’t see the possibility and they don’t look for them because it’s too hard.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.11.2010 @ 2:53 pm

immense

Little children can be immensely annoying. It’s as if they don’t see boundaries, they don’t understand rules and limits. Good in imagination, normally. But in things like society, it just doesn’t work and, quite frankly, it pissed me off more than just about anything. I don’t want children.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.10.2010 @ 3:19 pm

believer

I am a believer. I love God, I believe God. It’s the people that lie. It’s the translator’s that allowed their view to take on a new meaning in the variations of the bible. Those people I don’t know that I can believe all of the time. It’s in human nature to twist things the way we want them to be seen.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.09.2010 @ 3:16 pm

willow

She wears a willow on her leg. Strong, but flexible. She bends for everyone, but never bows, never breaks. Black and white inks, showing her favorite tree.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.07.2010 @ 5:25 pm

teeth

She needs her teeth fixed. Huge, big teeth, broken and chipped and its my fault I got my teeth fixed on her credit card and my fault that money is tight. Apparently “if (she) had cancer (I’d) rather go shopping than help pay for the treatment.” I’m just a bad person, right?

» Posted By Andelia On 12.06.2010 @ 6:15 pm

admit

I must admit, he’s better with children than most men are. But maybe because, man as his body is, he acts like a tiny child. He had every chance of being his dream, a pediatrician, but he’s dashed that because no one wants a doctor who acts like a child, even if they are as smart as House. This is reality, not a TV show and I have to admit it, he won’t be a pediatrician.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.06.2010 @ 5:23 am

nail

I bite them. It’s a filthy habit, I know. But I get so nervous. It’s the only sign that I am nervous, always, always nervous. Nothing else ever shows, but my gnawed nails. The thing is, I do it in secret; it’s a ritual when I’m alone in my haven room where I purge myself of all of the fear. I finish and I go and I pretend to be happy.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.04.2010 @ 11:27 am

practical

It scares me. The little piece of paper, summoning up all the impracticality of her. Which is funny, since he just served a summons. Handed it over and walked away. Does it affect him? Does it mean anything to him to show my family’s debt? It scares me, that’s what it does to me. But what about him?

» Posted By Andelia On 12.04.2010 @ 10:07 am

She doesn’t act practical at home. Everywhere else, work, the store, other people’s affairs, but not at home. At home she’s… so much confusion, so much misunderstanding. She never thinks when she gets home, she just reacts. I wish it were different.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.03.2010 @ 4:06 pm

bunny

I had a bunny, Bugs was his name. He lived in a cage outside our house and never did much, so he was largely ignored by myself and my older 7 year old sister. Until the day a mean old hound dog invaded our home. The dog dug under the cage, and Bugs dug out, escaping. He did this, like a sort of game of chase. One that could have killed Bugs. But we called Animal Services and Bugs was finally safe from the hound dog after a few minutes.

» Posted By Andelia On 12.02.2010 @ 7:23 pm

copper

The tang in my mouth. I hurt so bad, but I wouldn’t let him hear how what he was doing actually affected me. So my teeth bit down into my lip, bringing blood and causing swelling.

He told me I wanted it.

Told me that I deserved it. But he was wrong. No one deserves to feel like that.

No one deserves to have that happen. But he always said I was a nobody, a no one. Sometimes I wonder if he was right.

» Posted By Andelia On 11.29.2010 @ 1:59 pm

diagram

He’s got a diagram of everything going on in his head. See, he likes to know how things work, has to pick it all apart. Pick me apart. I want to be the psychologist, but he picks my head apart. When I started with him, he asked me so many probing questions. Had to know how, had to know why. By this time I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows exactly how my mind and body ticks.

» Posted By Andelia On 11.28.2010 @ 7:00 pm

affection

I wish I didn’t have to all but beg for it. I relax next to him and pull his arm around my shoulders. I pull him into hugs when I’m happy. I kiss him when we’re alone, but it’s not the same as if he were to start it-at least once. I stopped doing it and he hasn’t started. I don’t know that he even wants any affection, since he certainly doesn’t know how to give it.

» Posted By Andelia On 11.27.2010 @ 9:04 am

I always wanted my dad’s affection. Or even his attention. Not once, but twice, when I made it to the final round in the spelling bee in our area he took the day off- to fix his computer. His previously fine computer. It was as if he was rubbing it subconsciously in my face, “haha I don’t love you! But I do love this computer.”

» Posted By Andelia On 11.26.2010 @ 2:50 pm

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