Comments Posted By Amanda
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handlebars, I ride my bike. I get on and ride until I can’t, until my fingers bleed or until I fall. But none of that happens, so I hold onto those handlebars until I decide it’s been to far. But it still doesn’t stop, so I keep going, until the end, the end of forever.
» Posted By Amanda On 09.19.2018 @ 9:31 am
It’s almost time for iced tea again. This morning I walked to my car and surprised myself in my own comfort, the air feeling like my skin instead of the cold I’ve had for months. I like the cold but the warm is welcome when I consider its counterpoint of spring ducklings, irises blooming, and iced tea on the back deck.
» Posted By Amanda On 03.19.2018 @ 6:04 pm
» Posted By Amanda On 03.01.2018 @ 11:31 am
the hospital is a place very boring.
» Posted By amanda On 02.05.2018 @ 5:18 pm
I walked up the dusty dirt path to the big wooden building in the distance. My skis were under my arm, growing ever heavier with the long trek. I was alone. It was quiet. This place had clearly been abandoned for some time now. I approached the wide set of stairs and took a deep breath. I walked up that staircase and approached the heavy old door. With a trembling hand I reached out to grasp the beaten metal doorknob.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.20.2017 @ 8:07 am
Its not the kind where I take something that belongs to you. It’s the sort that runs through the veins of the broken and wounded. It’s the stuff that makes us stand up straight when actually we’d rather fall apart
» Posted By Amanda On 12.31.2017 @ 9:50 am
If you look up at any given time you can usually see a doorway. Maybe someone going through the main door at work with its glass front and smooth metal bar, or it’s your house where you’re locked inside, warm and doubting if you should’ve really stayed home sick.
» Posted By Amanda On 12.12.2017 @ 9:18 am
It happened in a moment. In a fraction of a fraction of a second. I saw my world fall apart. The blood on the street amongst the glass and the twisted metal. Every fiber of my being was screaming that it couldn’t be so. Yet there it was. The end of everything I loved. Gone in the blink of an eye and the screech of brakes that weren’t enough.
» Posted By Amanda On 11.09.2017 @ 11:38 am
I sat next to my little brother on that old wooden bench. Mimi swept. That “swoosh woosh” of the bristles against the cobblestoned floor invaded my ears and burrowed its way in. I thought I’d never stop hearing it. That broom shouldn’t have been in her hands- it should have been in mine. We should have been in flight, silhouetted against the moon.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.31.2017 @ 7:28 am
i never wiitheld from you until now. my mouth was an open gate, letting all inside path through and spill over and out. but when you looked at me the way you just did, used the tone of voice you just did, i for the first time shut the gate. for my safety.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.30.2017 @ 9:41 am
She had everything in there. Everything that mattered to her was in that strappy bag on her back. Nothing else was out there in the world that she could call her own. She walked under each street lamp as it illuminated her face and the world in short little spots every twenty feet or so. She remembered all she had left. All of her things in the world were on her back.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.19.2017 @ 7:37 am
My ideal of life is one that is stylized. Aesthetics, photo-worthy moments. Not one of little unremarkable moments, but one that can be admired from afar.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.18.2017 @ 7:53 am
I am stuck in the sludge of the way society has set me up to fail. I am lost in the system. I have no means to care for myself because my family has ditched me on the side of the road. I don’t have an address so nowhere will hire me. I don’t have hope other than the government. The big machine that sent me down this path in the first place. They are a large part of the ill of my situation, and yet they are the only thing that gives me any hope.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.16.2017 @ 10:43 am
They checked on the welfare of my child because they thought there was a threat to it. And they thought I was that threat. What could I have done to be considered a threat to my child? It wasn’t what I have done – it was merely my existence. My existence as a mentally ill woman.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.15.2017 @ 3:49 pm
i got a haircut because i felt it would cut away my past. i ate a large fastfood dinner and icecream while watching shitty tv because i believe this would be my last day being unhealthy to mark the transition of my life into something healthy, pure. i thought that my soul could be fixed with these materialistic, petty rituals.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.09.2017 @ 6:02 am
I look at her watery eyes staring up at me. Judging. Full of hate. Full of childish wonder and childish anger. She is staring and she is stuck in a logic loop that she can’t control. She says words she doesn’t mean. She makes thoughts she doesn’t think. She hurls insults and anger that is inconsequential because she is speaking out of juvenile naivete.
» Posted By Amanda On 10.06.2017 @ 6:34 am
Stop staring. Stop hitting. Stop being the way that you are. Every second is torture listening to you. Every moment is perpetual annoyance and anger and dear god just leave me alone! I am a thunderous storm and a flash of sharp lightning. I am heat of the desert and strike of the snake. Just stop. Just listen. Just don’t. I can’t cope.
» Posted By Amanda On 09.27.2017 @ 11:37 am
Today I feel like a storm is raging inside me. Every time someone glances my way i feel a heat wave and a lightning strike. Straight from the eyes. Straight to the heart. I feel as though the world is against me today. Every strength I have is weakened. All the power I had is lost. I am stuck. I am angry. I am a lion waiting to pounce.
» Posted By Amanda On 09.27.2017 @ 11:31 am
i relate to the rest of the world, and this is what makes up what i am. i am nothing by myself, no one. i am a human, a living human, a child of someone, and now a mother – all relations to others that define me. i am define by who and what i am not.
» Posted By Amanda On 09.25.2017 @ 8:06 am
I lack. I don’t have, own, accomplish. My self identified by everything that I lack. I will never be anything more than my limits.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.31.2017 @ 5:28 pm
i was daises and sugar to everyone but inside i was acid burning burning
» Posted By Amanda On 08.16.2017 @ 1:32 pm
sugar-coated laughs echoed throughout my ears and dripped into my head and into my mouth. i tasted you.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.15.2017 @ 8:43 am
I wore a traditional white wedding gown the day I destroyed my life. I had my hair up. I smiled. I drank wine, ate good food. Danced. All while forever committing myself to life of misery.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.12.2017 @ 2:15 pm
i deserve nothing. i was born out of a series of chances, there is no place carved out for me on this world. i could cease to exist and the world would not blink. as a result, i cannot believe that anything is inherently mine to take.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.10.2017 @ 6:42 pm
we met at camp like all those young adult novels and movies had told me we would. where our story differs from these, i did not predict. i would not predict the screaming and bruised marks and tears. i thought we would have the fairy-tale cheery sunny ending.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.09.2017 @ 7:13 am
you are everything. movement, breath, time does not exist independent of you. we are indistinguishable from each other. yet, you are unaware of my existence. please, all i’m asking is to destroy me, like amputating a suffering, rotting limb.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.07.2017 @ 8:29 am
parallel is a street in Barcelona, although I’m not sure what it runs parallel to. I never really stopped to think about it. It actually seems kind of diagonal, at odds. parallel is something I did with my shins this morning, parallel to the ceiling while doing little crunches.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.05.2017 @ 4:17 am
The cement across the road was as gloomy as my mood. Obviously, Amanda was late. Again. Even though she had promised that she’d never be late to something as important as her best friend’s wedding, she had obviously lied.
» Posted By Amanda On 08.03.2017 @ 10:35 am
I put some eyeliner on, fixed the rest of my makeup and stepped out of that restroom with a renewed sense of self-confidence and hope. I was starving for a sense of accomplishment. I wanted to do something that would make me feel good, that would make me feel like I was moving forward in the right direction. I was finally going to take the plunge and hope for the best. I was going for what I had always wanted to do.
» Posted By Amanda On 05.14.2017 @ 6:26 am
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The butterfly floats freely among the horizon. Flying gently and peacefully. The butterfly has no weight on it’s wings, I wonder. The butterfly goes on without rhyme or reason. Perhaps the butterfly is what we strive to be.
» Posted By Amanda On 04.10.2017 @ 3:58 pm