• Santa Monious commented on the post, asthma 6 years, 9 months ago

    “Take it in, that’s right. Slowly, slowly. Hold it. Okay, now let it out slowly. Ok, just one more breath. Lovely, lovely. And relax.” I would have happily kicked the medic in the face if I’d had the energy but […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, flirt 7 years, 4 months ago

    I am so tired. Every bone aches like I’ve gone 14 rounds with a demented tumble drier. My mouth feels drier than a lizard’s chuff and my eyes burn in sympathy with the pain in my gut.

    I’d still flirt with that […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, clue 7 years, 4 months ago

    The reason Mark couldn’t get the engine to tick over was due more to his lack of charm than his lack of mechanical know how. If he had been nicer to the lady at the scrap yard she might have given him the right […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, camera 7 years, 4 months ago

    And that’s my living. When I’m out there, looking down the lens of the camera, videoing the people, I feel no shyness. Because I am looking at the world through a television and I am at home and they are not […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, epic 7 years, 4 months ago

    “There are times, Higgins, when you are truly, awfully, historically annoying. This, sadly, is one of those times. Here we are, utterly lost, a dozen miles from anywhere and you tell me that we’re out of […]

  • One thing that touring taught me was that, if you have to be at a festival, the place to be is backstage with an Access All Areas Pass. One might think this is because of the girls, the nice food, the ligging, the […]

  • Stalking a Brown Bear whilst wearing a giant beehive on one’s head might not, at first hearing, sound like the most intelligent of ideas, but one must remember that bears are inordinately fond of honey and one must bait the trap with something. The buzzing also helps to drown out the sound of one’s screams […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, carved 7 years, 5 months ago

    I felt really sorry for the poor fool. It’s not an imaginary recession here, it’s absolutely real. People are scrimping and saving and trying to make their meager savings last just that little bit longer. I find myself at a wedding fair filled with chauffeurs, cake icers, florists and your man, Mr. Ice Sculpture (with […]

  • It was a tight squeeze but Harry felt he could make it. If he could only find a decent toehold somewhere it would allow him to adjust his belt just enough to get past the last bend. It did strike him, as he swallowed another mouthful of soot, that trying to impress his date by […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, hurry 7 years, 5 months ago

    You wouldn’t believe the trouble I’m in. Really. Try imagining waking up on Christmas morning, snow floating gently past the window, mince pies roaring in an open fire, the tree dancing drunkenly round the mistletoe, then think about discovering there’s nothing under that tree. Zip, zilch, nada, rien de tout, sweet fanny adams in any […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, flood 7 years, 5 months ago

    Holding his breath, Chris swam like a demented penguin, holding on to his meagre bundle with his teeth and kicking as much as his tiny legs would allow. Anyone watching from the riverbank would have seen a squat, inept yet totally focused trail of frothing water chasing a remarkably unfit, overdressed doorman towards the sea. […]

  • Marvin frequently Forrest Gumped his way through affairs at the palace but today he excelled himself. Realising that he should never have filled the moat with savage goldfish he tried to make amends by filling all the boiling oil containers with fake snow, figuring that this would fool any potential invaders into immediately heading home […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, gown 7 years, 6 months ago

    Trying to get the horse to move was never easy, but this day Patsy was having a particularly impossible time with his increasingly intransigent nag. “I’ve told ya, ya, ya bastard, move would ya! If I have to get off this cart I’ll be dug outta ya. Have ya seen the state of the road? […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, sneaky 7 years, 6 months ago

    There was an expectation of privacy, Ted felt, seeing as he was in his own garden surrounded by a high fence. So when the photographs of him and his wife appeared in print he was more than a little miffed. Especially as his wrinkly bits were bigger than his dangly bits, and gravity had not […]

  • Bric-a-brac, piled high to the rafters. Every conceivable kind of tat, layer upon layer of it, with barely a glimpse of daylight between the dust-strewn strata, a geological feature laid down by a madman. And there I was, convinced that the whole lot was going to come down and bury me alive at any moment, […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, return 7 years, 6 months ago

    “There’s no point bringing those bottles in here, son. Can’t you read? No Deposit, No Return. That’s what it says right there on the sign, or are you blind as well as stupid?” “No mister, I just wanted to get a few pennies to go to the pictures. Won’t ya take em, mister. I cleaned […]

  • In the desert, a terrified man, running for his life. “I don’t deserve this”, thought Jim as clouds of sand rose up and choked him. “I’ve always been kind and considerate.” That was the last thing he remembered as his mistress hit him with her Louis Vuitton handbag square between the eyes. “He’ll ask before […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, obey 7 years, 6 months ago

    “The consensus is, my friends, that they will come soon, in their unstoppable ships with their superior weapons and invade our lands. We may fight back, we may even, for a time, believe that we are winning, that the sacrifice of our sons and daughters will bring about a great victory. But eventually we will […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, stable 7 years, 6 months ago

    Fred liked to kick in doors. Not just any doors but particularly the doors of police stations and army barracks. When he wasn’t doing that and getting arrested, he liked to find the houses of the toughest guys in the neighbourhood and throw rocks through their windows. He knew that it wasn’t rational behaviour, but […]

  • Santa Monious commented on the post, slouch 7 years, 6 months ago

    If I didn’t sit the way I do and if the couch didn’t slope the way it does and if I thought about it, knowing that my back was going to suffer the next day, I wouldn’t slouch in front of mindless TV, to awaken the following day unable to straighten up. But I am […]