Kathryn posted an update 6 years, 7 months ago
Inspired by David Levithan’s novel, “The Lover’s Dictionary” (and his Twitter, @loversdiction)
cut, n./v.: A thoughtless comment, a moment of exquisite anger, a lone staple tearing across a fresh canvas. The beginning of an onslaught.
pinprick, n.: The safety pin does not hold my clothes together. Rather, it is there as a sharp reminder to keep the two sides of my life from ripping wide open.
lie, n./v.: I did not realize that saving your feelings would destroy my own.
confide, v.: Contrary to popular belief, sharing baggage does not lighten the load.
companionship, n.: I seek the friendships of those like me: the faceless and the fearful.
betrayal, v.: I always cared much more about you than you did about about me. Even then, I did not expect you to be so cruelly inconsiderate.
no, exc.: From an accusation to a confession, all I can muster is one syllable as I race to the toilet, sickened by myself.
fall, v.: Suddenly everything is torn away from you until there is only one light in the dark that you can still see, a glint of silver and red.
nightmare, n.: At some point I began wishing that the horror would translate from reality to dreams. Instead, it invaded both.
secret, n.: Hidden like a cavity in my chest, a gaping hole rotting from the inside out.
silence, n.: Days spent alone in bedrooms condone withdrawal.
privacy, n.: On some deeper level, I wished you would invade.
infection, n.: Sitting in the theatre, I can feel my flesh on fire. Terror takes over, but when the alarm passes, it is followed by a strange fascination to re-experience the rush of dreadful possibility.
apathy, n.: Like living in a cloud of anesthetics, I am beginning to lose a sense of how to feel.
abuse, n.: Sometimes I would wish for you to hit me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself.
mess, n.: The worst part is having to clean up.
burn, n.: An hour spent crying, screaming, terrified of what this new thing is. Only a split second of blinding electricity through my skin. No mark is left. Inefficient.
tissue, n.: Just as an artist is impartial to their work, I harbour a special fondness for the marks I leave on my body. I want each one to be a grisly, gaping masterpiece, large and dark and deep.
experiment, n./v.: Nothing works quite as well as the traditional way.
rash, n.: When making your own bandages, remember that duct tape should not be worn for too long.
ignore, v.: Sometimes I wonder why you never asked about the sounds of tape being torn and hearts being emptied just one room over.
heartbreak, n.: I have to remember that people are not characters, and that I cannot set such high expectations. In the end, I will always be disappointed.
monster, n.: They have moved from under the bed to the recesses of my skull. Sometimes they come out to play, but they are rowdy, and their claws leave marks.
addiction, n.: When it is no longer a way out, but a way to prevent, or even a way to entertain.
teacher, n.: Unknowingly, a seed has been planted.
dysphoria, n.: I am afraid to change because this is all I know.
act, v.: I have been practicing quietly for a long time. Now the audience is paying to be lied to.
empathy, n.: I can no longer tell if I care about those closest to me. I am so far gone that I can’t even see where I started.
seminar, n.: Somewhere along the line, I came to realize that I could not help others if I could not help myself.
confession, n.: It takes nearly half an hour to finally find words in the veil of tears. It may be a rough one, but it is a start nonetheless.
lift, v.: Only through crying and hugs did I realize how I impacted others. An unexpected surprise.
release, n.: I have always been thin, but only now do I feel light.
inquisitive, adj.: The questioning looks are not as subtle as you might think. Do not be afraid to ask. I have been silent for far too long.
step, n./v.: Like a child, I am discovering how to move myself forward for the first time.
uncertainty, n.: I am beginning to remodel the tower of myself, sorting through the pieces, trying to find what parts I want to keep.
prescription, n.: Like putting on glasses, the image is not changed, but corrected.
forever, adv.: The scars will last, but the feelings do not have to.
stagger, v.: A trip is not a fall. A bump is not impossible to overcome. No drawn line is perfectly straight. Some journeys cannot be travelled without a few moments of uncertainty.
healing, v.: Sometimes I find myself whistling for no reason at all.
reflection, n.: For the first time in a long time, I recognize myself, and I am proud of what I see.
kindle, v.: There are small sparks inside my chest, warming without burning.
growth, n.: I have begun to feel wise rather than old.
glance, n./v.: With each look, my heart sings a decibel louder.
progress, n./v.: 113 days clean and counting.
happiness, n./v.: I have reached for the stars; with a small stretch, I believe I can find the abstract in my hands.