• Jesse commented on the post, attracted 6 years ago

    It was as if she was the total opposite of him. Polar opposites even. But they were so close, basically the same object. They were an item. He didn’t want someone like him, that would only push him away. Oh, such are the peaks and valleys of magnets and their love lives.

  • Jesse commented on the post, leathery 6 years, 1 month ago

    Ew? What’s that smell? No, I think you cooked it too long. No, it’s not supposed to smell like that. No, seriously, take a bite then. Hm? Yeah, exactly. I told you it was a stupid idea. It doesn’t matter what it’s made of, Fruit By The Foot just wasn’t meant to be grilled.

  • Jesse commented on the post, sanctity 6 years, 2 months ago

    There’s none left, said the priest. All the crackers were gone. Gone. You’re only supposed to eat one, you know, to symbolize the body of Christ and all that. But some little rapscallion ate the whole thing. Was this some sort of message from God? How could his savior be defeated by a little boy? For Heaven’s sake, he can’t even keep his nose clean.

  • Jesse commented on the post, flat 6 years, 2 months ago

    Well, at least it was cheap. Such things are all he could think about, as the water from an exposed pipe dripped onto his head. It’s practically a steal, she said. Well, yeah, and people do steal from him. That’s why he’s thinking about his crappy apartment in his crappy apartment instead of watching the game because his tv was stolen from his…[Read more]

  • Jesse commented on the post, learn 6 years, 2 months ago

    You live and you…die. Technically speaking that is. Kind of like when you leave an apple out all day. It gets all moldy and keeps the doctor away. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, stay in school. You don’t want to end up like me, an apple farmer.

  • Jesse commented on the post, plays 6 years, 2 months ago

    Well, you’re not supposed to say the name of it. Because it’s bad luck. What? No. No, not that one. You know, the one where everyone goes crazy and he kills his uncle. No. No, they based the Lion King off of it. No. No. No. No it’s the one with MacBeth in it…aw shi-

  • Jesse commented on the post, ancient 6 years, 2 months ago

    They were like pyramids, but not really. Or Stonehenge, but not quite. Whatever they were, bar the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, he needed to get rid of them. “It’s disgusting and gross,” she said, “I’ve never known someone to keep pizza boxes on the ground as long as you.”

  • Jesse commented on the post, growing 6 years, 2 months ago

    It’s like a beanstalk. Or something. I don’t know, what I’m trying to say is that one day you’re going to leave and that makes me sad. I’ve raised you all these years but eventually the time is going to come where you need to set off and see the world, so I’ll have to flush you. But not because you were a bad goldfish, but a good one.

  • Jesse commented on the post, claims 6 years, 2 months ago

    Well, this was his and that was the other guy’s. He travelled all the way from Connecticut just to stake this one and he’d be damned if some brat was going to take it from him. It wasn’t exactly the California gold rush, but this buffet was all he had left and again, he would be damned if he was going to let some fresh-faced sophomore take the…[Read more]

  • Jesse commented on the post, husband 6 years, 2 months ago

    Well, he’s not dead, I’ll give him that. And sure, there’s the occasional foot massage. Kinda. You have to twist your wrist in a weird way but it works. He’s just not much to cuddle with afterwards, you know? I don’t know, I just wonder where he got that nickname? Who goes around calling themselves ‘Pink Rabbit’ on purpose?

  • Jesse commented on the post, wall 6 years, 2 months ago

    How is it possible? It’s far too high, far too hot, and far too everything else. It’s like that one Harrison Ford film. No, the other one. No, he doesn’t wear a hat or a vest. That one where he’s like, gimme back my family. Yeah, Morning Glory, that’s it.

  • Jesse commented on the post, murder 6 years, 2 months ago

    What’s more than dead though? There’s no such thing as absolutes, so there must be more to death than just the act. Conversely, there must be more to life than just the act. There must be more to nouns than just the verbs that accompany them, and vice versa. All these thoughts were held by the small marmot, pondering whether to traverse that…[Read more]

  • Jesse commented on the post, features 6 years, 2 months ago

    She had lots of them, he had a few but they weren’t the good kind. Her’s were described as nice and beautiful, his’ were gory and unkind. But such is the life of a sentient Trapper Keeper.

  • Jesse commented on the post, swell 6 years, 2 months ago

    Oh that’s just great, just dandy. It’s as big as a cantaloupe and I can’t feel my fingers. What’s that? No, of course not, I’m not dumb. All I did was accidentally hit it with a hammer and then it just swelled up. I know, just swell.

  • Jesse commented on the post, baby 6 years, 2 months ago

    It cried and cried and cried some more. No one really knew what for. They tried milk, they tried honey, heck they even tried large sums of money. Nothing seemed to appease the child, until one day they woke up and realized that it was actually a Furby, meaning it’s demands stemmed not from reason but the inevitable and ever-present chaos this…[Read more]

  • Jesse commented on the post, ahead 6 years, 2 months ago

    He was behind. I mean that in the sense that he literally was a butt. But he didn’t want to be a butt, he wanted to make decisions and have eyes on him. He liked ears too, he wanted a pair of those. But you don’t need to hear what your rear fears, so the butt’s request for external organs was largely unheard.

  • Jesse commented on the post, musical 6 years, 2 months ago

    Oh what a joy it is. He said it without an exclamation point, and for good reason. Yeah, he enjoyed expressing himself, but what’s the point when you do it everyday. Ever since the ice-cream truck jingle stopped working, the company had forced him to sing it in the truck. Day in and day out, it has gotten old.

  • Jesse commented on the post, real 6 years, 2 months ago

    It’s not synthetic, he thought, but how could it be genuine? After all, it’s basically crushed dinosaur remains. But wait, what’s that say on the label? ‘Baby?’ They crushed babies into oil!?! And he thought he had it rough.

  • Jesse commented on the post, visit 6 years, 2 months ago

    It wouldn’t be for long, as the travel time wasn’t very far. It’s not that he didn’t like seeing her, it’s that he wasn’t so sure she was fond of seeing him. He thought of the worst that could happen, which amounted to nothing more than a dirty tank. The Discovery channel was set to accompany him on this particular visit to Shamu, though he didn’t…[Read more]

  • Jesse commented on the post, cry 6 years, 3 months ago

    There weren’t any tears, per se, but she wasn’t surfing on rainbows either. He was only there for a brief instant and then, poof, gone, like a grocery store bag flying through the breeze, slapping her in the face, and then carrying on down the street as if its unbiodegradableness was the source of some insentient arrogance.