• Ellaandlara commented on the post, fare 2 months, 1 week ago

    there was a train fare and i didn’t know whether he would pay for it or whether i would. i was fretting about it internally. i always fretted about small things like this and it meant that I was constantly worrying. I really needed to find some way to relax. I knew of one very effective way but it wasn’t the most recommended…

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, brands 2 months, 1 week ago

    Tthere were different brands of jeans but I needed that particular brand. That was how I was going to become cool. My life would be so much better once I had joined the cool group. That’s not how it works, said mum. You wont be happier if you hang out with them. They aren’t nice people. She had no idea. If Jane liked you, then everyone would like…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, benefits 7 months, 1 week ago

    She had a benefits and then she realised that the benefits weren’t actually benefits because they weren’t actually benefiting her. So when Sean messaged her she flat out ignored him. Like, not just ignored but flat-out ignored. They had been communicating and seeing each other for a few weeks so her behaviour was rude, but she knew that she had to…[Read more]

  • she was a controller. thats what i called her. for a sister im not sure how she got that much power. you would think she was the parent. really we should have had equal power but her personality was so headstrong and i just couldn’t stand up for her. so i got the smaller bedroom and she got free access to my wardrobe, she borrowed money from me…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, jealous 1 year ago

    she was so jealous of me. i could tell. the way she tried to smile but her mouth was slightly curled down around the edges. why did everything have to be about her in her world? Why couldn’t she just be happy for me? insecure people were so annoying, so selfish. i would not even invite her to the party. let’s see how she’d take that. I’d have…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, tried 1 year, 2 months ago

    i have tried. so much. so often. with so much energy. and with no result. still coming home at the end of the day to spend the evening alone and no one to talk to except the walls. to be shut inside my room with nobody else and realising that I don’t like myself that much. He was right all along when he suggested that.

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, millions 1 year, 3 months ago

    millions of chances. Millionf of choices. and i chos eyou. because you chose me. there was nothing romantic about it. but i wanted romance so i ditched you. and you were left alone. and you were sad. and i was feeling guilty but relieved and free and happy for all of five minutes and then i felt panic. becuase you were no longer ther eby my side…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, millions 1 year, 3 months ago

    there were millions of stars in the sky that night. there hadn’t been that many the night before. they had grown and they had grown in celebration if Elliot and Liv’s engagement. because they were two people who had gotten engaged for the sole purpose of making all the single people feel jealous. when the engagement acually didn’t change anything…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, copper 1 year, 3 months ago

    it was a cup made of copper. i thought about buying it and then I decided to buy it. i grabbed a whole bunch of stuff that i wanted to buy. i asked Connor “what are you buying?” We put our stuff on the counter and paid. we carried it in brown paper bags. and we went to a cafe for a coffee. and we literally meant coffee – not tea or hot chocolate or water.

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, care 1 year, 4 months ago

    she swallowed it without giving a care. or at least it looked that way. but she had thought about it all fay. while she was sitting in meetings she had been thinking about it. whilst driving she had been thinking about it. now it was making its way down her digestive tract and who knew what was about to happen. she was pushing pause on her life…[Read more]

  • “…regulation of her emotions”, said the social worker to me. what was she tlking about? i puffed on my cigarette and let her voice tune out so that there was a quietness around me, a bubble, a bubble of disassociating that i had been frequenting since I was a child. “what are your thoughts?” she sked me.
    “I agree,” i said and butted out my cigarette.

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, reaching 1 year, 7 months ago

    reaching up to the top shelf. i grabbed the cake down. i sat on the kitchen floor and touched the chocolate cake. was i going to do this? I wanted to YOLO and eat it for the instant gratification but I also couldn’t put on weight. OUr society was so fixated on weight and I was no exception. it was “one moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, danced 1 year, 7 months ago

    Lena danced at the club. but without alcohol it felt awkward. she didn’t like the music and she couldn’t dance to music she didn’t like – it felt inauthentic. she looked around desperately at the other women and hoped that someone hot would approach her and dance with her and kiss her because that was the point, right? Or was the point to listen…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, stalk 1 year, 7 months ago

    she was a stalker. she looked him up on facebook and trawled on there for hours. but she had limited information. so what was she to go off? well she knew where he lived. so she went to his house and parked in the street and waiated for him to come out. she was far enough away so that hopefully he wouldn’t notice her car but it was a risk she was…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, rays 1 year, 7 months ago

    the rays of sunlight fell onto the grass. i was sitting on the grass with my long legs out. i had shaved my leg so the skin was silky smooth and very pale. But Ashley didn’t mind that I had pale skin. There was no way in hell that I was going to waste my money on tanning lotion. My skin was meant to be white, that’s the way nature had intended it…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, automatic 1 year, 7 months ago

    i automatially assumed that I woldn”t find her attractive because she was butch. And i wwas into feminine women. but later on at that dinner i found myself looking at her furtively now and then between bites. her face and her over-all look was making me feel that desire that i had previously felt towards pretty, feminine women.

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, gasoline 1 year, 8 months ago

    what the fuck is that? you mean like, petrol? i asked, ervously.
    :you’re an idiot. you don’t know what gasoline is/
    no, i know what petrol is. why would you call it gasoline. isn’t that what americans call it? i asked, tensely. oh my gosh, what if i was indeed an idiot. i didn’t know enough. my muscles were all tight. was there a point to my…[Read more]

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, righteous 1 year, 9 months ago

    he was a righteous santa clause, ye old santa clause from Miracle on 34th street. i was lining up to sit on his lap. i was giddy with excitement. i wanted to jump up and down but i contained myself. i wore a red dress with a wide skirt which went out when i spun around, and a giant green bow around my waist.

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, clash 1 year, 11 months ago

    it was a personality clash. but i wanted to keep tutoring with her because there was something that drew me to her. we had arguments frequently but somehow, i was kinda addicted tot he drama. it felt like if the drama wasn’t in my life, if she wasn’t in it, then what was left? Mundanity? Boredom? Or could it be peace?

  • Ellaandlara commented on the post, fading 1 year, 11 months ago

    our relationship was fading before my eyes. we were sitting there in the beautiful spring light and we had our coffees because coffee was part of the culture. but it felt like i was breaking up with her. the disappointment in her face. the surrealness. but it couldn’t keep going because life is about change and sometimes you have to be resilient…[Read more]