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  • Please fix this…

  • I was told by my doctor – a useless drunk – that I would have to adapt my lifestyle or I’d face an early grave. Naturally I told him I was too old and stuck to change my ways. He’d said fine, on your own head be it, but you’ll be dead within the year. […]

  • Kitty Littertray commented on the post, kit 9 years, 2 months ago

    We’ve got a new boy in to do the garden. His name is Brendan and he’s nineteen, Best thing though is he likes to get his kit off when it gets too warm and by God I’d do him in a flash if he wasn’t gay (so he said). Damn waste of good pork.

  • Back in the fifties when I was younger Marion Langland-Bell and I had a feud over that – as it turned out when I bedded him – useless creature Sir Martin Sneddon. Pity, as Marion and I used to such good friends, but I wanted his money. Marion got the chop and Sir Martin got […]

  • ‘One,’ he said, ‘contains the elixir of life, of eternal youth, strength, sexual prowess and beauty.’
    ‘What’s in the other one?’ our hero asked.
    The wizard eyed him warily. ‘Two litres of my piss. Choose wisely.’
    ‘I think I’ll pass…’
    ‘Drink my piss!’ The wizard was becoming quite belligerent.

  • One of my greatest ambitions is to stage my own death. Just to see what happens. To see if people would really miss me. Or if they’d all be glad to see the back of me. Hhmm…

  • Fangs? Oh, I get it. It’s the Hallowe’en connection. Just that you’re a whole day late. Hallowe’en was yesterday. And stop bloody well commercialising it! I made a lantern out of a turnip – not a pumpkin – in protest.

  • ‘Life is an adventure,’ he said.
    ‘Yes,’ Parkin replied, ‘but you’re the one with the gun and you don’t have AIDS.’
    ‘Yeah, well. Serves you right for having sex with a monkey.’
    ‘Her name was Danielle and she wasn’t a monkey. A bit hairy for a woman, granted.’

  • When he said he hadn’t missed me I asked him what he did in jail to eleviate the lonliness. He said he’d been a bitch for a while but then he’d got a few for himself. I had no idea what he was talking about. I mean , they don’t allow pets in jail.

  • She was rather ugly and labouring under the impression she could sing like a siren. The truth of the matter was that her singing was most unsiren-like; she sang like Celine Dion, like the noise a bagful of angry cats would make.

  • ‘You know who I hate? Hmm? That skinny Canadian woman, the one that sang that “Titanic” garbage.’
    ‘Yeah. She sounds like a bag of angry cats.’
    ‘Serene Dion.’

  • A beach in winter. The sharp, cold air mixed with the salt-tang of the sea; disconsolate seabirds crying overhead; the flat, empty beach; and on the shoreline, a dead mermaid being eaten by the crabs.

  • I’ve been doing this for some weeks now and I can honestly say I’ve never come across a single word that has inspired even one iota of decent writing.

  • Hallowe’en will soon be upon us and I have to decide which costume to wear to this year’s ball; last year’s Reverend Canaan Banana was a triumph and will be hard to beat. Strictly entre nous I was thinking of a Cardinal Woolsey…

  • The waiter placed a large platter of rice on the table.
    ‘What’s this?’
    ‘You asked for more rice, ma’am.’ The waiter picked an non-existant crumb from the perfectly-pressed table cloth.
    ‘I asked for more ice.’

  • I had octopus soup once but when the waiter brought it to my table I saw it had a fly in it.
    ‘Waiter!’ I called. ‘What’s this fly doing in my octopus soup?’
    ‘The backstroke.’ The waiter replied disdainfully.

  • – Do you remember that awful time we had to take the bus? I had to ask that young man to give me his seat!
    – Actually, you hit him with your umbrella and accused him of stealing your handbag before he gave you his seat.

  • I was going to buy a telescope today but didn’t. The reviews for the one I liked were terrible and I couldn’t afford a more expensive one. Life.

  • I can’t bear it when people get in my way, particularly if I’m in a hurry or if it’s raining. No, especially if it’s raining; I seem to draw people like a magnet. Just as long as they don’t actually touch me, the stinking drones.