• Acid commented on the post, heartfelt 5 years, 5 months ago

    A heartfelt thanks and goodbye was not enough for Joe. Somehow he had hoped for more – but who was he to demand more from this woman? Had his help not been enough? Did he really expect her to repay him to the letter? Maybe he was just confused, man, or tired, or so horny he would just later jerk himself off in the car afterwards.

  • Acid commented on the post, level 5 years, 6 months ago

    “I’m gonna level with you. The pineapple stockpile is gettin’ pretty low, and we have no chance to get it back up again in time for the annual pineapple convention. You should have bought the pineapple insurance like I told you.”

  • Acid commented on the post, strike 5 years, 6 months ago

    Strike down the magnets with your thunder, scatter them to bits and toss them asunder. Strike, Stroke, Stricken. Fell ill and behead the shark. Gondolin and barracuda, who will save me from the falling plane? Me? Her? Who knows, who can tell. Coffee. Too much or maybe too little.

  • Acid commented on the post, collapse 5 years, 6 months ago

    Complete mental breakdown. The building was supposed to collapse at the press of the button; but all that happened was a faint puff of smoke. Dynamite miscalculated. Catastrophe. My boss will kill me. I walk inside and the damn thing finally goes off. Damn. I really need to see a shrink or something.

  • Acid commented on the post, still 5 years, 6 months ago

    Stay very still.
    The clockface is about to explode in a million pieces. White marble everywhere. People trespassed by giant metal hands which will now set the time inside your stomach. But if you stay still and enjoy the moment before you get stabbed in the most bizarre turn of events possible, it will last forever; you will live forever. Enjoy.

  • Acid commented on the post, prayer 5 years, 6 months ago

    A wing and a prayer. Land safely on the tarmac. Hope. Parrot birds. Saintly robes and opal beards. Tears flowing downs stone faces. Baptismal sinks. Sinkhole opening on the ground as wheels touch down. Final utterance by passengers: deliver us from evil and forgive our sins, oh lord. Kaboom.

  • Acid commented on the post, declined 5 years, 6 months ago

    My card was declined today. Not credit card, my greeting card. What do you mean, you don’t want my card, I said, who do you think you are, the pope? Because you’re not the pope, bitch, because I am the pope, and if I ever see you stealing from the cookie jar again I will sic the hounds of the apocalypse on your bitch ass.

  • Acid commented on the post, grateful 5 years, 7 months ago

    We should be grateful for all the bounty of nature and that includes penguins, be they royal penguins, emperor penguins, crazy villainous penguins or really any kind of penguins we can get our hands on and eat, except for the last ones, because I’ll bet Danny DeVito tastes sweaty and blubbery and gross.

  • Acid commented on the post, prophet 5 years, 7 months ago

    The prophet reared his head and shouted “Behold! For the new messiah is here. Also I wear a goat head mask for some reason. But fear not because goats are alright!”
    Upon hearing this, the villagers immediately tar and feathered him, because blasphemy and stuff. And then whaddaya know, the world ended.

  • Acid commented on the post, deranged 5 years, 7 months ago

    People often tell me I’m deranged because I like to scale trees to commune with my brother squirrels. Actually, no one has actually told me this but I can see it in their eyes. I don’t get what’s the big deal with squirrels. It’s not like I have to eat them just because I’m a cat.

  • Acid commented on the post, modest 5 years, 7 months ago

    Modesty killed the… alligator? How is it that I can only think in terms of weird animals now? Condor. Albatross. Parakeet. Wait. These are birds. Apalache. Now, this isn’t even an animal. Blue. Trapped. Parakeet. Carrot. Blue waffle. Onion. Modest. Oh wait.

  • Acid commented on the post, handsome 5 years, 7 months ago

    I am handsome. This is a fact. When I prance around high street dressed in a cow costume all the little old ladies take turns to pinch my cheeks and tell me so. Then they give me candy. The candy is not so good. It makes my belly hurt, but I eat it anyway.

  • Acid commented on the post, stubborn 5 years, 7 months ago

    My mule is stubborn like a friend. Oh wait. The other way around. So anyway, we were at the cofeeshop. The friend, not the mule. He asked for some donuts but they were expired. I forget what happened next, so I’ll just sing In a Gadda Da vida – nananananan naananan annanan nanana

  • Acid commented on the post, grandfather 5 years, 7 months ago

    My grandfather clock sits in my time hall, untouched, until the last of the Mayan birds of doom come take it back. Sneaky bitches. I told them not to go back in time to become their own landlords, but they wouldn’t listen and now the world is all jangled like a tube of tuna toothpaste.

  • Acid commented on the post, revved 5 years, 7 months ago

    He revved up the engine while the lights flicked red. Two more. Then two more – then GO! The wheels spun like greased monkeys on jello. Easy left, crest, jump. Right hairpin then crest. Tree. Ditch. Well, shit.

  • Acid commented on the post, emperor 5 years, 7 months ago

    I am the emperor of your dreams. Minions made of ash bow to me and eagles made of cotton candy perch on my regal shoulders as you struggle to shake yourself awake. I will not let go. You will not awake. I will dominate. But you turn around and see yourself in the mirror: two hazel eyes gaze back at you in confusion; one, two, three, four, five…[Read more]

  • Acid commented on the post, belated 5 years, 8 months ago

    Today my coffee was late. My toast was late. The bus was late. The subway was late. All the tv shows were late. My girlfriend’s period was late. Everything was late. Especially my late uncle Norris.

  • Acid commented on the post, pruned 5 years, 8 months ago

    ” I should buy some new curtains” I thought as I carefully pruned my genital hair. “I should buy some with some ducklings frolicking in the grass. That would be just nice. And where the hell did my soda go?”

  • Acid commented on the post, talon 5 years, 8 months ago

    Talon. Eagle. Those spur things cowboys use on their boots. Now I picture two eagles in cowboy clothes, tacky pink fringes and all, duel at midday; dusty people watching the dusty street where two renegade birds with nothing to lose are about to engage in a good old-fashioned patriotic fight to the death.
    The shadow falls. Both eagles cry at…[Read more]

  • Acid commented on the post, offset 5 years, 8 months ago

    When I think of offset I think of offices and autocad functions; boring traps designed to keep my head down and my gears spinning in this oppressive bureaucratic machine. Which is funny because I don’t even work in an office.