Comments Posted By Ellaandlara

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fare

there was a train fare and i didn’t know whether he would pay for it or whether i would. i was fretting about it internally. i always fretted about small things like this and it meant that I was constantly worrying. I really needed to find some way to relax. I knew of one very effective way but it wasn’t the most recommended…

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 07.09.2019 @ 3:10 am

brands

Tthere were different brands of jeans but I needed that particular brand. That was how I was going to become cool. My life would be so much better once I had joined the cool group. That’s not how it works, said mum. You wont be happier if you hang out with them. They aren’t nice people. She had no idea. If Jane liked you, then everyone would like you and I just wanted to be popular.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 07.08.2019 @ 2:57 am

benefits

She had a benefits and then she realised that the benefits weren’t actually benefits because they weren’t actually benefiting her. So when Sean messaged her she flat out ignored him. Like, not just ignored but flat-out ignored. They had been communicating and seeing each other for a few weeks so her behaviour was rude, but she knew that she had to get away and start running right now. He could keep checking his phone indefinitely for a message from her which wouldn’t arrive and he would be sad and she would be smiling.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 02.08.2019 @ 2:45 pm

controller

she was a controller. thats what i called her. for a sister im not sure how she got that much power. you would think she was the parent. really we should have had equal power but her personality was so headstrong and i just couldn’t stand up for her. so i got the smaller bedroom and she got free access to my wardrobe, she borrowed money from me whenever she liked and sometimes without asking, she got to socialise with my friends and contact them and become their friend without even asking. she was taking over my life but at the same time i couldn’t imagine leaving her and living my own life on my own two feet.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 01.25.2019 @ 8:52 pm

jealous

she was so jealous of me. i could tell. the way she tried to smile but her mouth was slightly curled down around the edges. why did everything have to be about her in her world? Why couldn’t she just be happy for me? insecure people were so annoying, so selfish. i would not even invite her to the party. let’s see how she’d take that. I’d have green balloons and a green tablespread and Lila wouldn’t be there.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 09.05.2018 @ 11:52 pm

tried

i have tried. so much. so often. with so much energy. and with no result. still coming home at the end of the day to spend the evening alone and no one to talk to except the walls. to be shut inside my room with nobody else and realising that I don’t like myself that much. He was right all along when he suggested that.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 06.23.2018 @ 11:03 pm

millions

millions of chances. Millionf of choices. and i chos eyou. because you chose me. there was nothing romantic about it. but i wanted romance so i ditched you. and you were left alone. and you were sad. and i was feeling guilty but relieved and free and happy for all of five minutes and then i felt panic. becuase you were no longer ther eby my side like you had been for twenty years.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 05.29.2018 @ 4:59 am

there were millions of stars in the sky that night. there hadn’t been that many the night before. they had grown and they had grown in celebration if Elliot and Liv’s engagement. because they were two people who had gotten engaged for the sole purpose of making all the single people feel jealous. when the engagement acually didn’t change anything within their relationship. it was just one way to make a fuss.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 05.29.2018 @ 12:37 am

copper

it was a cup made of copper. i thought about buying it and then I decided to buy it. i grabbed a whole bunch of stuff that i wanted to buy. i asked Connor “what are you buying?” We put our stuff on the counter and paid. we carried it in brown paper bags. and we went to a cafe for a coffee. and we literally meant coffee – not tea or hot chocolate or water.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 05.27.2018 @ 1:38 am

care

she swallowed it without giving a care. or at least it looked that way. but she had thought about it all fay. while she was sitting in meetings she had been thinking about it. whilst driving she had been thinking about it. now it was making its way down her digestive tract and who knew what was about to happen. she was pushing pause on her life and escaping somewhere else for a while.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 04.27.2018 @ 3:31 am

regulation

“…regulation of her emotions”, said the social worker to me. what was she tlking about? i puffed on my cigarette and let her voice tune out so that there was a quietness around me, a bubble, a bubble of disassociating that i had been frequenting since I was a child. “what are your thoughts?” she sked me.
“I agree,” i said and butted out my cigarette.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 03.26.2018 @ 4:19 am

reaching

reaching up to the top shelf. i grabbed the cake down. i sat on the kitchen floor and touched the chocolate cake. was i going to do this? I wanted to YOLO and eat it for the instant gratification but I also couldn’t put on weight. OUr society was so fixated on weight and I was no exception. it was “one moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips” they said. this food was only supposed to be for a special occasion so why the bloody hell had mum bought it? i felt sudden anger and i stood up and threw the cake in the bin.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 02.18.2018 @ 4:44 am

danced

Lena danced at the club. but without alcohol it felt awkward. she didn’t like the music and she couldn’t dance to music she didn’t like – it felt inauthentic. she looked around desperately at the other women and hoped that someone hot would approach her and dance with her and kiss her because that was the point, right? Or was the point to listen to this B Grade celebrity DJing some shit RnB tunes? She looked at her phone and started texting people.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 02.15.2018 @ 9:28 pm

stalk

she was a stalker. she looked him up on facebook and trawled on there for hours. but she had limited information. so what was she to go off? well she knew where he lived. so she went to his house and parked in the street and waiated for him to come out. she was far enough away so that hopefully he wouldn’t notice her car but it was a risk she was taking. when he came out and got in his car, she followed him from a distance which wasn’t easy to do without being noticed. there were two other cars in between their cars. she followed him down about three roads and then she lost him amongst all the other black cars. fuck! she said to herself. she was angry. she punched the steering wheel. her phone started ringing. she took her eyes off the road, grabbed it and exclaimed “fuck off!” whilst declining the call. then the person started ringing again for she too had a stalker. she answered it. “where are you?” asked Tom. “I’m just going for a drive,” she lied. “why would you just go for a drive and waste our fucking petrol? you’re lying to me!” he cried. “I can do what I want! I pay for it too! Chill out! I’ll be home in ten”

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 02.13.2018 @ 3:05 am

rays

the rays of sunlight fell onto the grass. i was sitting on the grass with my long legs out. i had shaved my leg so the skin was silky smooth and very pale. But Ashley didn’t mind that I had pale skin. There was no way in hell that I was going to waste my money on tanning lotion. My skin was meant to be white, that’s the way nature had intended it to be. white legs on green grass under yellow rays.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 01.31.2018 @ 1:32 am

automatic

i automatially assumed that I woldn”t find her attractive because she was butch. And i wwas into feminine women. but later on at that dinner i found myself looking at her furtively now and then between bites. her face and her over-all look was making me feel that desire that i had previously felt towards pretty, feminine women.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 01.29.2018 @ 12:33 am

gasoline

what the fuck is that? you mean like, petrol? i asked, ervously.
:you’re an idiot. you don’t know what gasoline is/
no, i know what petrol is. why would you call it gasoline. isn’t that what americans call it? i asked, tensely. oh my gosh, what if i was indeed an idiot. i didn’t know enough. my muscles were all tight. was there a point to my existencce? deep sigh. that escalated quickly. not the conclusion i should be jumping to, i know, and my psychologist agreed.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.29.2017 @ 1:01 am

righteous

he was a righteous santa clause, ye old santa clause from Miracle on 34th street. i was lining up to sit on his lap. i was giddy with excitement. i wanted to jump up and down but i contained myself. i wore a red dress with a wide skirt which went out when i spun around, and a giant green bow around my waist.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.05.2017 @ 12:34 am

clash

it was a personality clash. but i wanted to keep tutoring with her because there was something that drew me to her. we had arguments frequently but somehow, i was kinda addicted tot he drama. it felt like if the drama wasn’t in my life, if she wasn’t in it, then what was left? Mundanity? Boredom? Or could it be peace?

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 10.15.2017 @ 12:02 am

fading

our relationship was fading before my eyes. we were sitting there in the beautiful spring light and we had our coffees because coffee was part of the culture. but it felt like i was breaking up with her. the disappointment in her face. the surrealness. but it couldn’t keep going because life is about change and sometimes you have to be resilient and face the change.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 10.02.2017 @ 11:34 pm

fortress

it was a castle. but it wasn’t the olden times. It was 2016. I was living there and my family was rich. I was doing my university study and looking down over the town. THey wished they lived here. We had to be tight with security because people wanted to rob us of all our designer jewellery, designer clothing and the antique furniture that my parents collected. The first time I brought a boy home, he was just stunned. He was so stunned that he couldn’t get an erection.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 01.15.2017 @ 3:10 pm

resolve

can we resolve this issue, i wondered. or is it actually time to leave her?
she continued cutting up sandwiches. i couldn’t stand to look at her for a second longer. the way her hair fell around her shoulders, the way she cut the crusts off. there was no one i would like to get into bed with less. no one had warned me for this. marriage was the worst decision of my life.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 01.01.2017 @ 8:45 pm

selfie

let’s take a selfie! said lara.
ella jumped in the photo with Lara. she pouted her lips in a typical “duck face.”
Lara took the photo then inspected it. “We look great. Hey, Jake, come and take a selfie with us!”
Jake had a beer in his hand and a smart shirt and pants. His mother had insisted he look his best seeing as it was his 18th birthday party.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.28.2016 @ 9:31 pm

boxing

Boxing day. Boxing up the gifts and putting them away in the cupboards. Or maybe she didn’t get any gifts because she was a minimalist…or a grinch. they’d had their celebration at the beach house. they played on the beach with a beach ball and played some beach volleyball. she modelled her new swim suit. and she felt a sense of happiness, lightheartedness that didn’t always correspond with Christmas day but sometimes, on occasion, every few years, like this year, did.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.26.2016 @ 4:23 pm

resignation

handed in my resignation. “You’re resigning from this friendship?” “I thought I’d treat this friendship seriouslly and also treat it’s ending seriously..
“You want to end this riendship!? WHy!?”
“I just feel like i don’t get anything out of seeing you. LIke sometimes we do an activity together but I’m oly doing it befause I like the ativity, not because I want to spend time with you.”

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.22.2016 @ 12:36 am

centered

I can’t stand self-centred people. i just fuck em off. i need to talk about myself in a converdation. i can’t just lsiten to someone the whole time. i’,m sick of that. i do that all day at work. sometimes i need to be listened to, to be heard. otherwise it feels like i’m just a vortex that people project ito and i forget who i actually am. so when i met Luke, who actually listened to me, it became a relationship of real value.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.21.2016 @ 12:26 am

persistent

she certainly was. like she wasn’t even interested in her anymore. but Lara kept texting her. “Do you want to come over? I will make us dinner.” Or “Come to the club with us tonight.” Jamie shook her head. Did Lara really think that desperation was an attractive look? She considered “ghosting” Lara and just becoming invisible and not replying to her at all, but she was too angry. “Do you realise how desperate you sound?” she texted to Lara. She was typing quickly, in irritation, and made two typing errors. She was easily roused these days. Other people had noticed it too. The smallest thing would get her arced up.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.20.2016 @ 3:03 am

compass

Ella handed the compass to Lara. “i dont know how to use this thing!” “Well i dont either!” said Lara. “We need a boy to help us,” said Ella. She hated how sexist that was, but it was kinda true. neither them nor any of their female friends knew how to use a compass. and they were quite lost. trees loomed all around them. the air was getting cooler with every passing minute and the sky was becoming grey and heavy with clouds.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.18.2016 @ 11:35 pm

imaginary

imaginary house. a ginergerbread house that you could live in. even if you were an adult. you could hide there when you felt like being a child, sitting in the foetal position, hugging your legs up to you. because they had left. Tom had left. and life wasn’t worth it anymore. i wanted to go back to being a child now.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.09.2016 @ 7:17 pm

pointer

ill give you a pointer.
don’t. i said.
well i thik you should
DON”T i repeated. don’t fucking give me advice when i havent asked for it. well i didn’t say that but thought it.
you need to
blah blah blah!” i put my hands over my ears like a petulant child. then i started laughing at myself for being so ridiculous.
mother had a frown on her face. she didn’t see the joke.

» Posted By Ellaandlara On 12.08.2016 @ 12:35 am

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