Comments Posted By Belinda Roddie
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Attention, everyone! Attention, everyone with turkey in their mouths and mashed potatoes still lumped on their plates! This is your drunk uncle Max with a major announcement. And that announcement is this: I am boycotting pants. I repeat: I am boycotting pants. Pants are the devil’s garments, and my loins shall be free! Free, you hear me?!
Wait, Rita. No, don’t lock me outside! I’m not done with my stuffing yet! Rita, no!
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.23.2017 @ 2:16 pm
The soldier fell in love with the general, and the general fell in love with her. They both knew it would be forbidden, so they met in secret on Vane Hill, just as the sun crested over the top before making its descent. They held hands and kissed under the same elm tree, and every day, the general would promise to end the war as quickly as she could, so they could both go back home, build a cabin together, and live happily ever after.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.22.2017 @ 12:35 pm
“And what are you supposed to be?”
Rachel blinked. She stared down at her notepad, then back up at the senator, who was shooting daggers at her. “Um…I’m a reporter, sir. From the Times?”
The senator scoffed. His enormous wrinkled jowls quivered as he sneered at Rachel. “Well, here’s your sound byte,” he growled. “You can take your precious little newspaper and shove it right up your – “
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.21.2017 @ 11:49 am
I hadn’t seen this particular relative of mine in quite a while: My Uncle Tobias, who had transitioned seven years ago, and who had sobered up after decades of trying to lay down the booze. Now he was standing in front of my house, a full beard around his jaw, holding a pumpkin pie.
“Thanks for having me,” he said in a voice that was lower than mine – which was rather impressive.
I smiled and escorted him into the kitchen, where my mother was still working on the mashed potatoes.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.20.2017 @ 9:13 pm
She blinked slowly at me. “You seem so…different from what you were before.”
I shrugged. My shoulders felt so small in my father’s leather jacket. “Well, I’m definitely different,” I replied. “I guess a lot of things changed.”
“For the better?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “For the better.”
She stepped toward me then, her breath rising in small white bursts in the cold autumn air.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.17.2017 @ 6:17 pm
I’m not exactly sure what to make of her now. This version of her is different. This version of her is new. This version of her has capabilities that can’t be reached by anyone simply constructed from link upon link of carbon, chains wrapped around wrists and ankles, holding us down from progress. This version of her can hold her breath underwater for hours – can run faster and longer than any man or beast – can make love to me throughout the night, while I gasp and bellow for air that I can barely digest.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.16.2017 @ 4:37 pm
“No! Come back here! Thieves! THIEVES!”
The police were on the scene in only two minutes, as the little old lady who ran the tiny drugstore on the edge of Main told her side of the story. Apparently, in her words “three hooded hooligans” had run into her store and taken off with about five pounds of king-sized chocolate candy bars.
“Am I hearing you correctly, ma’am?” asked a puzzled officer. “Five pounds?”
“Yes!” exclaimed the little old lady.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.15.2017 @ 5:00 pm
We didn’t know from just a glance that Ahmed was a refugee. He said his father worked as a software engineer in San Francisco, but we never asked for how long. As we sat watching the news in his two story home, listening to the senate candidates scream about bigotry and Islamophobia, I heard Ahmed sip his soda and grunt, “Yep. We got in, anyway, and I think everyone’s just fine with us here.”
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.14.2017 @ 4:46 pm
The vet took care of sixteen dogs today, and all of them were good puppers. Very good puppers. The best puppers ever. They got pets and scritches and belly rubs, and they were so good. The vet was very happy. She got to fix up some very good puppers. All fluffers and boofers and doggos. Yes, very good. Very good puppers. Good job, vet. Now took care of some kitties, too. Their tongues are out like blep.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.13.2017 @ 5:15 pm
Marsha had a history – one that she told openly, usually in the bars she frequented, downing ales and tequila shots with reckless abandon. She told me one night, after I was decompressing from a tough day on the ranch, that she had once smashed a man’s skull in with a full bottle of champagne. It wasn’t a blow strong enough to kill him, she clarified, but it sure left a dent in his head for the rest of his life.
“His friends called him ‘Concave Carl’ after that,” she said to me. “Needless to say, he never put his hand up my skirt ever again.”
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.12.2017 @ 2:44 pm
She was a super special secret agent on a special secret mission. With her trusty, handy gun, she made mincemeat of everyone. She broke through every single code and hacked computers. Did you know she also stayed in Europe, too, under the name Virginia Blue?
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.11.2017 @ 11:27 am
Richard was supposed to marry Janet, who was supposed to be happy about it, but she was in love with Shirley, who was supposed to stay celibate if she wanted to join the convent, which was full of nuns who were supposed to be chaste, but they all partook in massive orgies with both men and women, and they were supposed to keep it all a secret, but Shirley couldn’t take it anymore, and she drove off in a pick-up truck with Janet, who was supposed to show up for the wedding that day, and Richard was supposed to be sad about getting ditched at the altar – but he wasn’t.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.10.2017 @ 10:06 pm
I lost everything that day, and all in an instant. From the moment the glass of the windshield shattered into a thousand crystal pieces, I felt all the people and things I loved slip away from me.
We had been moving that day – our suitcases had been jammed into the car trunk. Our dogs had been in carriers, and my wife had been laughing and singing to pop music in the car. That was all gone now. All of it. Gone.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.09.2017 @ 4:55 pm
Cloudy, gloomy, dark, and gray. That’s what today was. And yet, I had not an ounce of inspiration’s nectar in my veins. I had no interest in writing, or composing music, or making art. I simply sat at my desk, staring at a white screen. Stark, staring, madness-inducing white. Like the tunnel to a kind of Heaven that I couldn’t access. Overcast and dim days were usually times for me to become creative. Not this time. Not today.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.08.2017 @ 4:34 pm
I know the work is tedious, but the job will do you good, I promise. It pays well, you’ll have friendly colleagues, and management is top notch. Vacation time will allow you to do whatever you want, wherever you want. Take a trip to Hawaii in the summer if you want – the salary will pay for that. And the benefits – darling, for such a boring gig, you’ll never have to worry about getting sick again. You can still write your stories. I promise.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.07.2017 @ 4:42 pm
We didn’t have much of a gameplan once the school burned down. Sure, we were all psyched to not have to go to classes anymore – it was only March, after all, and there just wasn’t enough room to house us on other campuses until next August. But now? Well, maybe we did take our education for granted.
The first two weeks were awesome – the gang ate pizza, played video games, and goofed around all while sleeping for twelve hours at a time. But then, oddly enough, we felt a strange sensation – we MISSED getting an education.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.06.2017 @ 4:34 pm
Jenna and Astrid were both in charge of resurrecting the Superwoman Softball League, which had crashed and burned in 2009, due to poor leadership as well as a very bad break-up between the two managers – of course, no one talked about the Erica-Leslie scandal now. They rounded up about sixteen young women for their first official meeting – not even enough for two teams, but it was at least a start.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.05.2017 @ 12:08 pm
“Beg pardon, ma’am,” intoned the older gentleman wearing a top hat and carrying a silver-topped cane. “But have you happened to glance a rogue cellular device around here?”
The nineteen-year-old college student wrinkled her nose at the odd display. She had been settling down at her table with a large latte and a crumbly scone, and now some guy with an Edwardian era hard-on was asking her about a misplaced phone.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.04.2017 @ 11:36 am
The math teacher couldn’t get the projector to work, so he asked the head IT worker to check on it. Of course, when she arrived, he scoffed.
“I wanted the head IT worker,” he growled, “and not some pretty little intern.”
The IT lead smiled. “Well, then,” she replied. “You can just take your projector and stick it where the sun don’t shine, then.”
The students oohed at her sass.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.03.2017 @ 4:53 pm
What can a poor nerd do when she falls in love with a cheerleader? No, scratch that – the cheerleader CAPTAIN? She’s of course dating the star quarterback; otherwise, she wouldn’t be fitting the cliché like she should. No, the dork has to stare plaintively at the beautiful blonde in a short skirt, waving pom poms, while she sits in the corner, hugging a book against her knees.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.02.2017 @ 5:04 pm
Scrub the windows, mop the floor, do the dishes, fix the door. Work until your arms are sore and your fingers don’t work no more. Drink a beer and catch some z’s. Don’t forget to dust, now, please. All these chores are just a breeze – and your responsibilities!
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 11.01.2017 @ 4:47 pm
Chad left a bucket of the worst Halloween candy he could find out in his front yard, and then he turned out all the lights and watched the second season of Stranger Things in his boxers, eating tiramisu-flavored ice cream out of the carton because he had to feel somewhat fancy about his life. Not surprisingly, when he brought the pail back into his house four hours later, it was still around half full. Also, an allegedly angry trick-or-treater had left a note scribbled out on binder paper, using quite a few cuss words that were more appropriate for teenagers’ dirty mouths, to demonstrate their disappointment in the crude selection of sweets.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.31.2017 @ 8:12 pm
There she lay by the chamber door, a broom all clattered on the floor. She swept and sighed and sighed and swept – for nearly a week, she hadn’t slept. After the evening had elapsed, she stood and, all at once, collapsed. We didn’t know just what to do, and so we left her, black and blue.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.30.2017 @ 1:37 pm
I examined the student’s essay in front of me, and the first thing that immediately caught my eye was a rather awkward typo in the opening paragraph – in trying to introduce the concept that the United States government had concealed information and files of the JFK assassination, the college-level pupil had typed, “witheld,” not “withheld,” as it was properly spelled. Needless to say, I attacked the word with a red pen and moved on.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.29.2017 @ 2:11 pm
In preparation for the Halloween party, we dressed up as pirates, drank several shots of tequila, found the dullest swords we could find, and challenged the Kraken upon the beach. Of course, there was actually no Kraken, but we did chase down a grubby old man with a metal detector and frightened a multitude of children. We were ultimately sent to the brig, with not a drop of grog to savor.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.28.2017 @ 1:25 pm
I loved you. I worshipped you. I treated you like a god. But you were mortal, just like I was. You may have worn the raiment of royal deities – the golds and purples, ribbons and beads, silver circlet atop your sunrise head. But you couldn’t make the sun move, and you couldn’t take sacrifices at the altar without getting your hands severely burned.
I adored you, and yet you turned from me. And I was deemed a heretic for idolizing someone without the blood of Zeus or Ra.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.27.2017 @ 5:29 pm
My hearing’s been cut in half, and I don’t know how to handle it. It happened just a week before an important deadline, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve have anxiety before, but this episode? The other attacks can’t hold a candle to it. I don’t know how to handle my world being muffled like a silencer kissing the sweaty nose of a gun. Everything is too muffled, too subdued, too muted – too dangerous.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.26.2017 @ 8:30 pm
After falling from the second story of his house onto a trampoline and then next into a sloppily raked up pile of leaves, Chester was more than just disoriented. He suffered two fractures in his left leg, and now he had to lie on his back on a boring hospital bed in a boring hospital room, watching a boring TV show that didn’t even have the volume on.
“Just goes to show,” the doctor had told him, “not to drink that much bourbon before agreeing to skydive.”
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.25.2017 @ 3:58 pm
“Last I checked,” grunted Ricardo, “that one bedroom had seven windows built in. Seven! Who wants that many windows looking into their bedroom?”
“A narcissist,” Isabella replied. That got some giggles out of her sister, Clara, who was playing X-Box on the couch nearby.
“I’m just saying, if we want a good house, it shouldn’t be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. You get my drift, right?”
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.24.2017 @ 4:01 pm
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It’s been a while since Papa called me; I haven’t slept in days. I’ve wept out all my sins, and now I’m lost with Mary Jane. My papa’s quite the bastard; he lashed me pretty good when I was still but half your age, living in this neighborhood. Papa has a cellphone, but it doesn’t work too well. Is the reception bad, or is he just ignoring me? Time will tell.
» Posted By Belinda Roddie On 10.23.2017 @ 4:45 pm